Thursday, December 20, 2007

Happy Holidays

Happy holidays! Hey, look what I got you! It's a disgusting bee ornament! Well, not really a bee. It's a person thing with a yellow dishrag on her head, wearing a bee dress, black and white stockings and elf shoes. She does have wings though, so maybe she is some sort of bee-themed fairy. She's also holding onto a bee-colored umbrella and making some weird puffing face. She's actually pretty frightening. Imagine if someone rang your doorbell and you opened the door and a life-size version of this was just standing there, silently puffing away. But anyway, Merry Christmas, fuckface.

Nice thorax

Wow, this bee has a HUGE ass. I mean, if you're down with that kind of thing, this has to be just another reason to care about saving the bees. Of course nobody does. No one cares. People are happy to let the bees die. And this blog. One one reads it. It doesn't matter. The bees don't mean shit. Fine. Let it all go. Let it all rot. You don't want some fat hot sexy bee ass? Fine with me. You want to sit idly by reading Perez Hilton while the food chain breaks down? Go for it. Happy holidays, assholes.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Bee beats beetle

As recently reported by the BBC, a bee was seen battling a beetle in Bristol. Apparently, the bee beat the beetle, but barely. Despite putting up a brave bit of boxing in the bout, the brunt of the beetle's blows were beaten back by the bee's brutal bites. The backwash of the bee-beetle brouhaha was beneficial to the bountiful bourgeois, for the big bee blight has been bringing bulletins of badnes and bereavement. Bonjour, bitches.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Let's bee friends

Hello bee lovers. It's been a while? Why? Because I have been distraught. I have been lying on the floor in a pile of my own filth and tears, wallowing in misery, because, despite coverage on 60 Minutes, nobody cares about the bees. Oh, woe is bee, woe is bee! Yet, at the moment of my greatest despair, someone knocked upon my virtual door, entered my sanctum of sadness, and lifted me up out of the doldrums. Who is this person? Janine. What does she do? Loves bees. LOVES BEES! You hear that bee lovers? We are not alone! For Janine runs the mighty blog Temple of Sting where she too wails about the dying bees, the inaccuracies of the mass beedia and other bee-related topics. Yes, she seems to occasionally post about Sufjan Stevens and other things that are not bees, but overall Janine is a bee-blogging hero. Gaze upon her glorious bee socks (actually not hers) and rejoice!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Happy Halloween

Nice costume, asshole. It looks like a bra made of yarmulkes.
Die and rot in a beeless hell.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Keep laughing

No one seems to take the bee death thing seriously. Despite two prime time specials on the matter airing this past Sunday, this is the response we get from the average American: "HEY! Bees sure am funny!" Well, that's just great. We're all gonna die, but "Look at me, I'm in a bee costume doin a funny bee dance with my spouse! HAW HAW HAW!" The only living thing in this photo that seems to get the direness of the situation is the dog in the bee costume. While his owners party like it's 1999 and his dog pal sits there like a drooling retard flower, he knows what's really going on. Even his little antennae are drooping sadly. Oh and the grass knows too. The grass knows all.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Primetime BV (beelevision)

So they're finally listening to us. Tonight prime time telvision is all about the bees. First we've got 60 Minutes the No. 1 news program in America and possibly even the entire Earf covering Colony Collapse Disorder at 7:00. Then following that up at 8:00, on PBS Nature is airing a frightening special titled Silence of the Bees. Yeah, they all laughed at me when I said we were all going to die, but now look. NOW LOOK AT THEM!!! Running in fear! Fools! I know all! I am the bee master! The bee oracle! Look upon my bee knowledge and weep!
Really though, tune in tonight to see what the fuck we are doing about all this and whether we're going to die this year or next year.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Nothin buzzin

It's been a while since the last update, bee-lovers. That's because little has changed. There are still plenty of reports of confused beekeepers and their dead hives, and yet no one seems to be doing anything about it. This apathy hasn't just killed the bees. It's killed me. I'm dead inside. And soon I'll be dead outside, when we run out of food. But who cares anymore? Who even reads this beeblog? Why even bother to wake up in the morning, come your hair and go to work? We're all going to die, even if the bees recover. There is no point to life, no reason to existence. Life is pain and suffering. The bees know. You can see it in their eyes. Their little, beady bee eyes. They know, nothing lasts forever, not even cold November rain.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Blind as a bee

No wonder the bees can't find their ways back home. Just look at this picture of a bee's eye. It's got all kinds of stuff in it. I don't know if that's pollen or what but if that was me, I know I couldn't see shit bro.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Bees deserve better

At first glance it seems that these very kind bees are happily giving children a ride. But let's look a bit closer. This bee up front, sure, he's smiling, but how about that look in his eyes? Staring back wearily at the children who devilishly laugh at his torment, he is barely able to conceal the revulsion, contempt and despair he feels toward mankind for enslaving him and his brethren. Those poor bees, forced to wear make-up and bow ties and impaled upon steel rods, carrying screaming brats in circles, day after day. It's a horror no one—man or bee—should be made to bear.
Bears on the other hand clearly deserve all that and worse.

Monday, September 24, 2007

He's just allergic

It's really not as bad as it looks.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


A truck carrying 13.7 million bees done gots into an accident today. The truck rolled over freeing millions of wonderful, sweet, innocent bees. Fly away my children, away from the disease spread to you by mankind. Fly away and heal, then make our food before we die. Then we will reward you by making soap in your likeness, which we will use to lotion up our women's boobies in the shower. That is the highest honor our society can give you, little buzzing friends, and you shall receive it in plenty if you succeed.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Bee war

After recent bee findings, NY Senator Chuck Schumer wants to halt the importing of Australian bees since they seem to have the Israeli bee AIDS. Yeah, good job genius. Now that every bee in the U.S. is infected with Australian Israeli bee death syndrome, now we can stop importing them. Now is a great time for that. That's like putting on a bullet proof vest after you've been shot. That's like putting on a condom after you just had sex. That's just like protecting your bees from a virus they already have by waging economic warfare on Australian beekeepers. Well, all I can say for sure is that this will certainly have a boomerang effect when it comes to American beekeepers. Actually I just wanted to say boomerang since I'm talking about Australia. Koala bear kangaroo Foster's Crocodile Hunter stingray Dundee wallabee platypus dingo mate.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Woe is bee

After all this good news now this: Eva Crane is dead. Who is Eva Crane, you heartless, ignorant bastard? Eva Crane was only the world's biggest bee expert. Now, she is gone, part of the big hive in the sky. She was 95. Now what will we do? Who will decide to bring Russian bees to Louisiana to fight off mites? Would you figure that one out? No, you would not. You would see a bee and run frantically around the room, crying and swatting at your head like a big giant stupid gay baby.
Anyway, if you're feeling beereaved, you can read more about her here.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Beelow fight!

In light of the recent good news about the discovery of crazy bee wing disease, which will hopefully lead to a cure of the bee death mystery, the remaining, healthy bees have been going nuts lately. And if you think beelow fights are crazy, check this out to see how bees really party.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Mystery Bevealed!

THIS IS IT BEE FANS!! The moment you've all been waiting for! They finally know what is killing all the bees! Okay, well they don't know for sure but they have a good theory. They think it's a something called Israeli Acute Paralysis Virus (IAPV). It fucks up the bees and makes their wings all crazy and shivery and paralyzes them and then they die. THEY DIE! It's not from Israel either by the way so don't go blaming the Jews like you always do, Osama Bee Laden. It was discovered by Israeli scientists. Anyway, people are saying this is at the very least a big reason why the bees are fucked right now, if not THE reason itself. And it's big news, it's everywhere! CNN, The New York Times, USA Today, ABC News, The Washington Post, Wired, The Seattle Times and a bazillion other news sources around the world! The world cares about the bees after all! Fear not little yellow and black striped friends who sometimes sting us and cause horrible pain—we are coming to save you all so we can use you as slaves to make honey and pollinate our crops! Love is here, love is coming and love is the answer for bees with Jewish Bee Virus!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

You bee old

You know why this whole bee death thing is crazy? Because we've been living with bees for so long. They've been our friends and helpers for literally thousands of years, and now all of a sudden, dead. All dead! Just look here, it says beekeeping has been going on for more than 3,000 years! They just found some beehive fossils or whatever down in Jerusalem! That means beekeeping is old! So old that beekeepers would ride dinosaurs to work. When they rode cars they had to run like in the Flintstones. I mean, I don't mean no disrespect, you know, all I'm sayin is that your beekeeper is so old, her memory is in black and white. Your beekeeper is so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Your beekeeper is so old, she hides her own Easter eggs. Yo beekeeper is so old, I told her to act her age and she died. Yo beekeeper is so old she has hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Her social security number is 1. Her yearbook picture is right next to Moses. Yo beekeeper is so old, when the police asked her for her ID she gave them a rock. When she was in school, there was no history class. When God said "let there be light," she flicked the switch. Yo beekeeper is so old, her birthday expired. She needs a 200-foot birthday cake just to fit the candles. Yo beekeeper is so old, she has been taking care of bees years and making a live off selling honey and renting out hives to pollinate crops and she's really good at and is considered a consummate professional by most people who know her.

Monday, August 27, 2007

It's a cold world

Some heartless bastard has posted up instructions for what teachers should do if a bee gets into their classroom. Now, if you can remember being a kid, you'd always freak out if you saw a bee. So whoever put up this post figured they'd be doing teachers a favor and letting them know how to deal with such a situation. Which is all well and good until you get to step 3 — "If you want to keep the bee, stick it in the freezer." Yeah, great, I can't get blueberries for less than $4.50 but this douche thinks we should be creating beesicles just for the heck of it. Some poor bee is all fucked up from pesticides and accidentally flies into a classroom and what do we do? We freeze him to death. What a great world we live in. I wish I was a bee so I could be dead too.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Bees gone to pot

What's cuter than a baby? A baby in a pot. What's cuter than that? A baby in a bee costume. Even cuter? A baby in a bee costume in a pot. More cutier? A baby in a bee costume in a pot with bees on it! If only the pot had baby bees in pots on it, or even better, baby bees in bee pots — then it would be the cutest thing ever: A black hole of cuteness that would allow no cuteness to escape, thereby being so cute it would actually not be cute at all.
By the way, the baby in the pot is a direct descendant of Hitler.
Not so funny now is it, you bee-murdering Nazi.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Andy Rooney stops by...

Everybody has been talking about the bees lately. I remember when I first started my career in the newsroom, many years ago, and bees were everywhere. Flower pots. What's happened? Have they all gone on vacations? I never was one for vacationing, I'd rather be in my own home. Maybe the bees are in their own home. Why do we consider a hive their home? Isn't it their office?There's a lot of talk about who is going to win the next election. In baseball batters get three strikes and are then considered out. Have the bees recieved their third strike? Pants. I've seen a lot of silly stuff in my life. But missing bees is pretty silly. Of course, we've all misplaced something once or twice. But three times... and you're out.

I'm Andy Rooney for the Holy Shit the Bees Are All Dead Blog.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Mail bee haiku

Honey, get the mail
What do you mean "Where is it?"
In the fucking bee!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Bossie Aussies

Here's an article where some stupid Aussie blames all the bee problems on America. Apparently the bees in Austrailialand are fine but our bees are all fucked up. This article says it's because of all the chemicals we use because we have big giant factory farms and need to make money and kill bugs and destroy poor people and poison the oceans with AIDS ozone holes. Well, that may be the truth, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and let some boomerang-tosser rub my nose in it. I'm a dirty American and look at me, I run this blog, the only blog in the universe dedicated to solving the bee catastrophe. So you can shove it up your pouch you dirty kangaroo.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Things have gotten so bad for the bees that now they're reduced to selling cars to get by. Look at these two. They're so eager it's almost pathetic. I'd almost have to buy that car just out of pity. Maybe that's their strategy. Look at those puppy bee eyes. They probably get all teary, tell you about their bee kids—or larva. Maybe they're brothers and they have some sob story about how they lost their jobs pollinating and couldn't afford rent in their hive, spent some time behind bars after falling into a bad drug habit. Now their clean, and their uncle gave them this job at his dealership. Come on, buy the car. It's yellow. Like a bee. It's got passenger seat airbags and the glove compartment is full of honey. O% financing and no money down, plus 12-month wasp invasion protection. What do you say pal? Is it a deal?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

E. Bee White

Holy moly, even The New Yorker is reporting on the bee situation. Once you get this kind of hard-hitting, brainiac journalism on the case, you know it's serious. Check out some of the information given in just the second paragraph of this six-page article:

Honeybees are the only animals besides humans known to have a representational language: they convey to one another the location of food by dancing.

When the queen lays an egg, she is able to choose its sex.

Males, known as drones, perform no useful function except to mate. They are loutish and filthy, and the workers—sterile females—tolerate their presence for a few months a year, then systematically murder them.

A single pound of clover honey represents the distilled nectar of some 8.7 million flowers.

In a week, a productive hive can add seventy pounds of honey to its stores.

So be a good New Yorker and read up on your bees. And make sure to laugh at the comics even if you don't understand them (and you won't).

Monday, August 13, 2007

They mite be giants

This is it. The thing causing all our problems. This sack of red shit, this tiny, hairy devil, this minuscule puffball of hatred, this is the Varroa mite—the thing many scientists claim is killing all the bees. How can you stop something like this? What can you do to fend of two-millimeter long mini-vampires that suck the blood of bees, the noblest of creatures—the unicorns of the insect world, if only unicorns still existed outside of Bermuda, where they can still be found in massive flocks, diving beneath coral reefs for food. I know that if I see a Varroa mite walking down the block, I will kick its ass. I don't care if it's a girl even. You know what they say in my hood? Varroa bitches get stitches. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Bee dog girl shoe

A lesson to all little girls: don't let bees distract you. While you're not paying attention a small dog will steal your doll. And you won't be able to get it back with those enormous shoes on.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Feeling blue

I told you so. I told you time and time again, this bee thing is no joke. And now look, it's starting. As the Sun Journal reports, Maine's Wilton Farm has stopped picking blueberries. Why? Because there are no blueberries left to pick. Why? BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE BEES!!!!!! You want blue, you'll be blue. Blue in the face from trying to find food when there is none. Blue like Miles Davis on heroin when he was all depressed and mean and skinny. Blue da ba dee, da ba BEE! Blue moon, I saw you standing alone, without a hotdog or an apple. Blue whales: they're really big—like your appetite will be when you haven't eaten in weeks. And you'll be flying on JetBlue to escape the riots in your city, but there won't be anywhere to fly to because there will be mayhem everywhere like in 28 days later or some other zombie apocalypse movie or like in The Yellow Submarine when the Blue Meanies took over. Blue blue blue! Sacre bleu! Get it? BLUE!!!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Buzzing here and there and everywhere

Are the bees all gone because they're just plain delicious? I mean, who could resist a juicy, fruity, squishy gummy bee? I know I couldn't.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Kemtraillz Killah

Are chemtrails from planes causing the bees to die off? That's the theory brilliantly dissected in this hip-hop forum right here. Bee fans, you don't want to miss out on this one. Just observe a couple of the insightful comments in this fascinating debate:

" yea i see them jets doin that, but wtf we supposed to do bout it?"

I Seen A Bee Last Week In My House I Had To Get It Out.. And One The Week Before I Think.. And You People Dont See Em Cus U Dont Go Outside!! lol"

"what the fuck is wrong wit u son? ignorant is he who knows but shuts up, hold my hand let me know what u know instead of gooing all bla bla i know more than u aaaaaaaaa google monster u think u know everything bla bla bla"

Word is bond kid.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


Hello. Hello? Yes. Who is speaking? Mr. Bee? Why hello Mr. Bee! How are you? Not so good? Your entire family just died? Wow, that's horrible. What happened? You don't know? Well, my condolences. Awful, just awful. But on the bright side you seem pretty cheerful. Ah, yes, I agree. When the going gets tough, just smile, throw on your overalls and get back to work. How is work going, by the way? Not so good? It's hard to pollinate solo? I understand, although to be honest, I pollinate solo whenever I get the chance—if you know what I mean! Sometimes it's better than pollinating with my wife! HAHAHA! Hello? Mr. Bee? Hello?

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Wizard of Bzz

There's no place like home, unless you're a bee and your home is California. In that case, there's no place like Kansas. So says some guy who has 32 million bees. He's moved his bees from Cali to Kansi two years running. Why? Because they like it better there. Why? Because it's nice. Why? because it's flat and has lots of crops and things bees like to pollinate. Why? Because shut up.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Wind-powered checkers-playing suction cup bee

Okay, so here's this bee right, and what he does is, well, um, okay, you see, he's got wings on both sides, not on his back, and the wings are like propellers see, and, um, in the middle of his chest there's this huge hole and in the hole there's a tube attached to his propellers, and, like, there's this string wrapped around the tube and on each end of the string there are checkers, and instead of feet he has a giant suction cup. So what you do is, you stick this bee up on your window and then when the wind blows he plays checkers. And that's what's happening to the bees. Bet your fancy bee experts didn't predict that one.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Das bees

The bees are gone. Missing. Dead. All over the world. But not in Germany. Not at uncle Engel's house. Read the happy story right here. It's a story about a man in a forest. An old man with bees. Bees that one day up and died or disappeared, leaving a sad old man to cry into his delicious German beer which he drinks at room temperature out of an ancient stein passed down through his family for ages. Then one day, something amazing happened. The bees came back. Just recently. The bees are back in town and right now there is an old man doing a ridiculous German dance to celebrate. Could this be a sign for all of us? Could the bees be making a comeback? Macht Ihre Mutter saugt Eier mit einem Wal? Mögen Sie zum Postamt nur treiben, einen einsamen Elch zu küssen? Gibt es Bienen in Ihrer Hose? Gibt es?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Child abeese

Good lord, why do people do this? The bees don't like it. The children don't like it. I mean, come on, look at this poor kid. Sucking on its pacifier, staring at the camera like a deer caught in headlights. I guess what can you expect from a dude whose idea for Halloween is to wear zany glasses and an afro wig. "Hey look at me! I'm CRAZY PARTY GUY! Woah-ho everybody, watch out! Oh and stop the war in Iraq, bro." Sigh... that poor bee child. Surrounded by disco douche, bloody-head nurse and the human chalk... How long before this kid flees the country along with the actual bees?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bees like weed

It says here in some British paper that bumblebees like unkempt gardens full of weeds. They also like it when people use the word "unkempt." Could it be that we are scaring off the bees with our lovely tidy gardens? Maybe bees aren't the fancy pants type. Maybe they're surly outdoorsy creatures who have little tiny beards and like hunting and NASCAR. Maybe they want to buzz around in little mini forests instead of pure clean bramble barts. Bramble barts? What the hell am I talking about?

Monday, July 23, 2007


Where are all the bees? Busy making puns instead of working. That's why these clever bees made their home in someone's grill. Get it? BBQ? BEE BQ? BEE BEE Q? HAHAHAHA! Oh you witty bees. No wonder they call you killer bees — cuz you're killin me with your zingers! If only there were people lined up to use the grill, then it would be a Bee Bee Queue!!!!! AAAAHHH!!! SO FUNNY!!!
Seriously though, listen bees: this isn't the Catskills. Go pollinate something before you get gonged.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Clusters of pain

This is M44, the Beehive cluster. It is easily visible to the naked eye, and known to man since prehistoric times. The cluster is 577 light years distant and roughly 730 million years old. Are the bees here? Have they left our planet for their alien home from where they came millions of years ago in search of pollen? In search of a future? If so, how did they leave our atmosphere without burning up? Do they have little bee spaceships? Or can they bee teleport? Either way, last night I found a dead bee on a flower in my garden and I know his last thoughts were probably "Oh, for one more glance upon the sunny skies of my home—Magalaxnarp 12, the 18th planet circling the 442nd sun of M44, the Beehive Cluster," and if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye than your soul must be 577 light years away from your heart.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bee con of hope

Who would have thunk it: Ex-cons just might be the answer to the bee problem. It says here on CBS News that in Chicago, ex-gang members are getting out of jail and becoming beekeepers. So now they have jobs, the bees have jobs, everyone has honey, everyone has money, nobody has to commit crimes, and the food chain isn't going to collapse. It's a great plan. I say why stop with ex-cons? Let's fill our prisons with beehives and get some prison labor going on here. Why not? It works for China. I mean, sure, some people say prison labor is wrong, but hey, why not put criminals to use? Why should we just let them sit around and work on their pectoral muscles and rape each other? Right now jail is basically like criminal training camp. If we throw some bees in there, everyone benefits - the bees, the prisoners, mankind, your mom, hippos, donkeys, some guy sitting on a chair in Tennessee, Cowboy Curtis, Don, Pete, Cindy, Galapanzar X, Kakjshdkja324, and you.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bee and fly: lovers or friends?

Here is a picture some kid drew. What this child trying to tell us? Could it be that the bees are vanishing due to interspecies breeding? Is that what's going on here? It's hard to say. At first it seems like a friendly visit. Clearly we're not in the bee's home, a busy hive, so we must be looking in on the fly's humble dwelling. This little get-together must be a regular happening, considering that both participants sit in front of their own personalized mugs. There they are, Bee and Fly, sitting peacefully, not watching TV, but spending quality time together. Perhaps discussing what they did today. "Found some great new flowers today. Great pollen. HUGE stamens." "Oh, that's wonderful. Maybe you can show me later before I go lay some more eggs in that dead cat down the street." Or maybe they're not talking. Maybe they're just enjoying the silence in each other's company. But wait a second, what's this... photos on the wall... one of Fly, one of Bee. Could this be more than a friendship? Could this be love? Is this a Saturday morning in the home of a bee-fly couple? Did the two fall in love when they found out they each had such unfortunate, obvious, descriptive names—the equivalent of a person being named Human? Is it secret, forbidden love? Does this mean there's hope for all of us? That there's love out there no matter who you are or what you look like? Questions wrapped in riddles wrapped in bacon but not drenched in honey, for there is no more honey, for the bees are out with the flies, and all of us must pay the consequences.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Bees in the Middle East

Yes, in its typical timely manner the New York Times has finally chimed in on the bee disaster that has been ruining our lives for almost a year now, but more importantly, they've let us know about a nefarious bee named Nahoul. That's right, Nahoul the bee is a member of Hamas, and he sure don't like the Jews! Really though, should we be teach our kids how to hate? Probably not. But the real question we should be asking is: Should we be using bees to teach our kids how to hate? And the answer is no with a capital N and then also a capital O because it would make a stronger statement to have the whole word capitalized. See, the bees need to be out there pollinating, not polli-hating. Come on Hamas, how are you going destroy Israel when the worldwide food chain is destroyed? Priorities people, priorities.

Monday, July 16, 2007


Bush thought that upon invading Iraq, the Iraqis would turn into bees and make us all honey, according to this report right here. If this is true, you've got to hand it to Bush. Who wouldn't want an entire country of bees, especially these days. I wonder if there would be a little bee president who'd give little bee press conferences and get tiny bee hand jobs from mini bee interns. Could a bee even get a hand job? If they could I bet it would be awesome because bees have six hands. Although I don't know if six hands would really make a better hand job. What would all those hands do? Unless there's that much bee thing to go around, which would be impressive, although possibly a hindrance to flight. Or perhaps it could serve as some sort of stabilizer, like a natural tail fin. Yup, maybe Bush was right after all.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Meet the beetles

Wish the bees were still alive? Blame the beetles. The African beetles that is. According to The Journal, whatever that is, American and European bees are just a bunch of pussies when it comes to defending themselves. See, "African bees have ways of dealing with the beetles, but European bees do not." Basically, African bees are like little tiny Tony Sopranos. They've got baseball bats in the trunks of their little bee cars and if they don't like the looks of you, you'll wind up wearing a cement thorax and sleeping with the fishes, who will probably eat you because you are a beetle. Meanwhile here in America, our bees just let these filthy beetles walk all over them. The beetles crawl into their hives and say "Hey bees. You know, this is a dangerous neighborhood. Things can happen. Robberies, fires, MURDER. You never know when it's your turn. We're offering a little protection service though. A little monthly payment and we'll make sure nothing bad happens to you. Know what we mean?" And while the African bees would be all like "Are you talkin to me? Franco, call Giuseppe and tell him we got a problem down here," the American bees are like "GUH... okay sir um maybe... um perhaps but I don't have anything to pay you with.... mur... we are just simple honey gatherers." And then what happens? Empty hives and no apples for any of us.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Bees hate pigs

This is what a bee looks like right before it robs a liquor store (with a mouse). Not very pretty is it? But that's what they're reduced to these days. Sad, isn't it?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Unskinny bop just blows me away

"The mysterious disappearance of bees around the world in the last year or two is an alarming indication that we have reached new levels of poisoning on a global scale." So says Darrel "The Brain" Crain in an article on Planet that says the bees are dying because of poisons and toxins in the world around us, and so are we. That's right: poison! Clearly Dr. Alice Cooper was right when he said, "Your cruel device, your blood, like ice. One look, could kill. My pain, your thrill. I want to love you but I better not touch (don't touch). I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop. I want to kiss you but I want it too much (too much). I want to taste you but your lips are venomous POISON! YOU'RE POISON RUNNIN THROUGH MY VEINS! YOU'RE POISON! I DON'T WANNA BREAK THESE CHAINS!"
And for further proof of Crain's theory, one needs only look to the attorneys at the law firm of Bell, Biv & Devoe, who said, in the case of Ron, Dave and Slick v. Schemer: "That girl is POISON! Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is POISON! POISON!"
And that's why we all need to recycle, drive hybrid cars and eat less mercury-laden fish — especially those of us who are bees.

Monday, July 9, 2007

She gave me hives

Why are the bees all dead? Maybe because our beekeepers are a bunch of perverts. Maybe if they weren't so busy humping everything that moves and then writing about it, the rest of us wouldn't have to plan for the apocalypse. That's right, the bees are dying from neglect while their keeper sluts are out whoring it up — and using the bees to do their filthy business. Says one beekeeper: "You can spoon-feed your guest a fresh taste from your hive and wipe away the drip with your finger. Then you can sample it too, and lick your lips while moaning with delight." Yeah, great. Half the vegetation on Earth is about to go extinct while this beekeeper pornstar is out there putting the HO in HONEY.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Bee Pluribus Unum

Many people believe the bee problem started in America, and judging by this patriotic piece of embroidery here, they could be right. Look, there's nothing wrong with being patriotic, but leave the bees out of it. They are non-partisan and non-nationalistic. They are citizens of the world. They don't want to be branded with the American flag, especially not these days. Why do you think most bees tell everyone they're Canadian when they're overseas?
And anyway, if you're going to "bee proud" at least do it right. Because I have no idea what country's flag that is. The Dominican Republic? That bee does have shapely legs though, I'll give her that.
Anyway, have a happy 4th of July and if you see any bees playing with fireworks, stop them immediately! The last thing we need is to have our remaining bees blow their little bee feet off.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Found em

Who knew it would be this easy? I just typed in bees on Google Maps and here you go. Found em. Now, I don't know why they're in California or what they're doing there, but the good news is that they're working. You know, it's really amazing that California tries to pride itself on its liberal politics, but meanwhile the state is taking advantage of illegal bee labor while the rest of the world enters a slow descent into death and despair. Listen California, just because your governor has a metal endoskeleton doesn't mean we won't invade your ass and take back our bees. You think this is the real Quaid? It is.

Friday, June 29, 2007

I can has apoccalips?

Good lord, what is wrong with people? Why are people obsessed with dressing their pets up as bees? Look at this poor cat. He looks more miserable than one of those greasy otters they pull out of oil spills. And thanks to this stupid site, I Can Has Cheezburger, now more and more pets will be tortured.
Yes, first we disturb and scare off the bees, and now next in line are cats, dogs, hamsters, rabbits, birds and even walruses. See, readers of I Can Has Assburger send in photos of their pets being abused along with captions written in purposely stupid internet LOL-speak. To really understand what kind of frightening subculture we are dealing with here, just examine some of the comments on our sad bee cat here:
"ah luvz watchin teh kittiz drezz lyk beez an’ awl ah kan du iz sharpin mah klawz too an’ hak up harball stew not so grate, akshulie…”
Using my retard translator, I have deciphered this message:
"I love watching the kitties dress like bees and all I can do is sharpen my claws too and hack up hairball stew not so great actually."
Wonderful. Here's another one:
"OMF. Swarm’n'Fuzzy b moar competishun 4 Bunways. iz bee pussin for awl out warren ticket prysingz."
I'm not fluent enough in fuckface to understand that one. I guess all I can say is that the world has gone insane, and the bees are gonna die and then death shall reign.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I know it's wrong. Mom is wearing a shirt that says "Find a place that makes you happy and go there." Purple shirt baby is smiling vacantly, and possibly—no probably—has been drugged. Together they ride inside a giant racist bee wearing red gloves. The whole spectacle is so bizarre and obscene they had to fence it off so innocent passerbyers don't get hurt. Horrible. Maybe the world really does need to end.