Monday, August 27, 2007

It's a cold world

Some heartless bastard has posted up instructions for what teachers should do if a bee gets into their classroom. Now, if you can remember being a kid, you'd always freak out if you saw a bee. So whoever put up this post figured they'd be doing teachers a favor and letting them know how to deal with such a situation. Which is all well and good until you get to step 3 — "If you want to keep the bee, stick it in the freezer." Yeah, great, I can't get blueberries for less than $4.50 but this douche thinks we should be creating beesicles just for the heck of it. Some poor bee is all fucked up from pesticides and accidentally flies into a classroom and what do we do? We freeze him to death. What a great world we live in. I wish I was a bee so I could be dead too.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Bees gone to pot

What's cuter than a baby? A baby in a pot. What's cuter than that? A baby in a bee costume. Even cuter? A baby in a bee costume in a pot. More cutier? A baby in a bee costume in a pot with bees on it! If only the pot had baby bees in pots on it, or even better, baby bees in bee pots — then it would be the cutest thing ever: A black hole of cuteness that would allow no cuteness to escape, thereby being so cute it would actually not be cute at all.
By the way, the baby in the pot is a direct descendant of Hitler.
Not so funny now is it, you bee-murdering Nazi.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Andy Rooney stops by...

Everybody has been talking about the bees lately. I remember when I first started my career in the newsroom, many years ago, and bees were everywhere. Flower pots. What's happened? Have they all gone on vacations? I never was one for vacationing, I'd rather be in my own home. Maybe the bees are in their own home. Why do we consider a hive their home? Isn't it their office?There's a lot of talk about who is going to win the next election. In baseball batters get three strikes and are then considered out. Have the bees recieved their third strike? Pants. I've seen a lot of silly stuff in my life. But missing bees is pretty silly. Of course, we've all misplaced something once or twice. But three times... and you're out.

I'm Andy Rooney for the Holy Shit the Bees Are All Dead Blog.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Mail bee haiku

Honey, get the mail
What do you mean "Where is it?"
In the fucking bee!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Bossie Aussies

Here's an article where some stupid Aussie blames all the bee problems on America. Apparently the bees in Austrailialand are fine but our bees are all fucked up. This article says it's because of all the chemicals we use because we have big giant factory farms and need to make money and kill bugs and destroy poor people and poison the oceans with AIDS ozone holes. Well, that may be the truth, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and let some boomerang-tosser rub my nose in it. I'm a dirty American and look at me, I run this blog, the only blog in the universe dedicated to solving the bee catastrophe. So you can shove it up your pouch you dirty kangaroo.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Things have gotten so bad for the bees that now they're reduced to selling cars to get by. Look at these two. They're so eager it's almost pathetic. I'd almost have to buy that car just out of pity. Maybe that's their strategy. Look at those puppy bee eyes. They probably get all teary, tell you about their bee kids—or larva. Maybe they're brothers and they have some sob story about how they lost their jobs pollinating and couldn't afford rent in their hive, spent some time behind bars after falling into a bad drug habit. Now their clean, and their uncle gave them this job at his dealership. Come on, buy the car. It's yellow. Like a bee. It's got passenger seat airbags and the glove compartment is full of honey. O% financing and no money down, plus 12-month wasp invasion protection. What do you say pal? Is it a deal?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

E. Bee White

Holy moly, even The New Yorker is reporting on the bee situation. Once you get this kind of hard-hitting, brainiac journalism on the case, you know it's serious. Check out some of the information given in just the second paragraph of this six-page article:

Honeybees are the only animals besides humans known to have a representational language: they convey to one another the location of food by dancing.

When the queen lays an egg, she is able to choose its sex.

Males, known as drones, perform no useful function except to mate. They are loutish and filthy, and the workers—sterile females—tolerate their presence for a few months a year, then systematically murder them.

A single pound of clover honey represents the distilled nectar of some 8.7 million flowers.

In a week, a productive hive can add seventy pounds of honey to its stores.

So be a good New Yorker and read up on your bees. And make sure to laugh at the comics even if you don't understand them (and you won't).

Monday, August 13, 2007

They mite be giants

This is it. The thing causing all our problems. This sack of red shit, this tiny, hairy devil, this minuscule puffball of hatred, this is the Varroa mite—the thing many scientists claim is killing all the bees. How can you stop something like this? What can you do to fend of two-millimeter long mini-vampires that suck the blood of bees, the noblest of creatures—the unicorns of the insect world, if only unicorns still existed outside of Bermuda, where they can still be found in massive flocks, diving beneath coral reefs for food. I know that if I see a Varroa mite walking down the block, I will kick its ass. I don't care if it's a girl even. You know what they say in my hood? Varroa bitches get stitches. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Bee dog girl shoe

A lesson to all little girls: don't let bees distract you. While you're not paying attention a small dog will steal your doll. And you won't be able to get it back with those enormous shoes on.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Feeling blue

I told you so. I told you time and time again, this bee thing is no joke. And now look, it's starting. As the Sun Journal reports, Maine's Wilton Farm has stopped picking blueberries. Why? Because there are no blueberries left to pick. Why? BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE BEES!!!!!! You want blue, you'll be blue. Blue in the face from trying to find food when there is none. Blue like Miles Davis on heroin when he was all depressed and mean and skinny. Blue da ba dee, da ba BEE! Blue moon, I saw you standing alone, without a hotdog or an apple. Blue whales: they're really big—like your appetite will be when you haven't eaten in weeks. And you'll be flying on JetBlue to escape the riots in your city, but there won't be anywhere to fly to because there will be mayhem everywhere like in 28 days later or some other zombie apocalypse movie or like in The Yellow Submarine when the Blue Meanies took over. Blue blue blue! Sacre bleu! Get it? BLUE!!!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Buzzing here and there and everywhere

Are the bees all gone because they're just plain delicious? I mean, who could resist a juicy, fruity, squishy gummy bee? I know I couldn't.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Kemtraillz Killah

Are chemtrails from planes causing the bees to die off? That's the theory brilliantly dissected in this hip-hop forum right here. Bee fans, you don't want to miss out on this one. Just observe a couple of the insightful comments in this fascinating debate:

" yea i see them jets doin that, but wtf we supposed to do bout it?"

I Seen A Bee Last Week In My House I Had To Get It Out.. And One The Week Before I Think.. And You People Dont See Em Cus U Dont Go Outside!! lol"

"what the fuck is wrong wit u son? ignorant is he who knows but shuts up, hold my hand let me know what u know instead of gooing all bla bla i know more than u aaaaaaaaa google monster u think u know everything bla bla bla"

Word is bond kid.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


Hello. Hello? Yes. Who is speaking? Mr. Bee? Why hello Mr. Bee! How are you? Not so good? Your entire family just died? Wow, that's horrible. What happened? You don't know? Well, my condolences. Awful, just awful. But on the bright side you seem pretty cheerful. Ah, yes, I agree. When the going gets tough, just smile, throw on your overalls and get back to work. How is work going, by the way? Not so good? It's hard to pollinate solo? I understand, although to be honest, I pollinate solo whenever I get the chance—if you know what I mean! Sometimes it's better than pollinating with my wife! HAHAHA! Hello? Mr. Bee? Hello?