Saturday, December 25, 2010

Beedolph The Red-Stinged Beedeer

Merry Christmas, you bunch of ungrateful assholes.

Monday, December 13, 2010

This is it: Caught red-handed!

You motherfuckers! I knew it all along! It was a conspiracy! Or a stupidity! Or a conspiracy of stupidty! Either way, the proof is in the pudding, the sweet, sweet pudding:
"A leaked EPA document reveals that the agency allowed the widespread use of a bee-toxic pesticide, despite warnings from EPA scientists."
They knew, but they didn't care. Surprise surprise. "Oh, this stuff kills bees? Well, it also kills other bugs so fuck it, let's just spray away. I mean, so what if a few bees take a hit. Big deal. It's not like we're going to set off some huge mass die-off, right guys?! HAHAHA!" And then they all stripped naked and went swimming in their lobbyist money.
I think the best part of this whole story is that even now that the information is leaked and it turns out that this chemical is banned in many parts of Europe, we're still going to keep using it here. Because that's what we do in this rotten, greedy country devoid of any meaningful culture. We just make a profit. But it's all coming home to roost, or to sting. A fat bank account won't mean shit when the bees are all dead and there's nothing to eat. Maybe then we can force all these pesticide assholes and corrupt government regulators to dress up in bee costumes and pollinate crops by hand with little eye droppers. We can have taskmasters with whips watching over them. Yeah, it will be a grand old time. Except that really we'll just all be dead.
Good times. Gotta love all this freedom.

Friday, December 10, 2010

We got hives

Mothafucka we got bees.
They be pollinating trees.
Getting bitches on they knees.
Mothafucka we got bees.

– Eazy-B, chorus from "We Got Bees" from 1995's multi-platinum album, Eazy-Buzz-It

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My Cherry A Moron

According to this article in the NY Times, some New York bees are hitting up a cherry factory for their sweet, sweet syrup. Great. That's just great. Hey, the rest of us are all fat and sick from eating unnatural crap. Why not the bees? Maybe we should do this will all our food. Got some leftover Hamburger Helper? Just cram it up the nearest beehive! Hey, the bees are on their way out anyway, might as well let them go out with a bang.
Or maybe it's wrong. Maybe, just maybe we should make sure our precious life-sustaining bees aren't out all day eating Twinkies and drinking Four Loko. Maybe we should take care of them, treasure them, feed them right! We should be holding up sick bees to our women's teats! But no. Fuck it. Let em eat whatever shit they come across in their short little bee days. Who cares? We're all fucked anyway, right? Whether it's the bees dying or global warming or whatever other disaster we bring upon ourselves, our time is limited. We're on our way out. So fuck it. Let the bees pop that cherry. Enjoy it while you can fellas.