Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Bees deserve better

At first glance it seems that these very kind bees are happily giving children a ride. But let's look a bit closer. This bee up front, sure, he's smiling, but how about that look in his eyes? Staring back wearily at the children who devilishly laugh at his torment, he is barely able to conceal the revulsion, contempt and despair he feels toward mankind for enslaving him and his brethren. Those poor bees, forced to wear make-up and bow ties and impaled upon steel rods, carrying screaming brats in circles, day after day. It's a horror no one—man or bee—should be made to bear.
Bears on the other hand clearly deserve all that and worse.

Monday, September 24, 2007

He's just allergic

It's really not as bad as it looks.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


A truck carrying 13.7 million bees done gots into an accident today. The truck rolled over freeing millions of wonderful, sweet, innocent bees. Fly away my children, away from the disease spread to you by mankind. Fly away and heal, then make our food before we die. Then we will reward you by making soap in your likeness, which we will use to lotion up our women's boobies in the shower. That is the highest honor our society can give you, little buzzing friends, and you shall receive it in plenty if you succeed.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Bee war

After recent bee findings, NY Senator Chuck Schumer wants to halt the importing of Australian bees since they seem to have the Israeli bee AIDS. Yeah, good job genius. Now that every bee in the U.S. is infected with Australian Israeli bee death syndrome, now we can stop importing them. Now is a great time for that. That's like putting on a bullet proof vest after you've been shot. That's like putting on a condom after you just had sex. That's just like protecting your bees from a virus they already have by waging economic warfare on Australian beekeepers. Well, all I can say for sure is that this will certainly have a boomerang effect when it comes to American beekeepers. Actually I just wanted to say boomerang since I'm talking about Australia. Koala bear kangaroo Foster's Crocodile Hunter stingray Dundee wallabee platypus dingo mate.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Woe is bee

After all this good news now this: Eva Crane is dead. Who is Eva Crane, you heartless, ignorant bastard? Eva Crane was only the world's biggest bee expert. Now, she is gone, part of the big hive in the sky. She was 95. Now what will we do? Who will decide to bring Russian bees to Louisiana to fight off mites? Would you figure that one out? No, you would not. You would see a bee and run frantically around the room, crying and swatting at your head like a big giant stupid gay baby.
Anyway, if you're feeling beereaved, you can read more about her here.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Beelow fight!

In light of the recent good news about the discovery of crazy bee wing disease, which will hopefully lead to a cure of the bee death mystery, the remaining, healthy bees have been going nuts lately. And if you think beelow fights are crazy, check this out to see how bees really party.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Mystery Bevealed!

THIS IS IT BEE FANS!! The moment you've all been waiting for! They finally know what is killing all the bees! Okay, well they don't know for sure but they have a good theory. They think it's a something called Israeli Acute Paralysis Virus (IAPV). It fucks up the bees and makes their wings all crazy and shivery and paralyzes them and then they die. THEY DIE! It's not from Israel either by the way so don't go blaming the Jews like you always do, Osama Bee Laden. It was discovered by Israeli scientists. Anyway, people are saying this is at the very least a big reason why the bees are fucked right now, if not THE reason itself. And it's big news, it's everywhere! CNN, The New York Times, USA Today, ABC News, The Washington Post, Wired, The Seattle Times and a bazillion other news sources around the world! The world cares about the bees after all! Fear not little yellow and black striped friends who sometimes sting us and cause horrible pain—we are coming to save you all so we can use you as slaves to make honey and pollinate our crops! Love is here, love is coming and love is the answer for bees with Jewish Bee Virus!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

You bee old

You know why this whole bee death thing is crazy? Because we've been living with bees for so long. They've been our friends and helpers for literally thousands of years, and now all of a sudden, dead. All dead! Just look here, it says beekeeping has been going on for more than 3,000 years! They just found some beehive fossils or whatever down in Jerusalem! That means beekeeping is old! So old that beekeepers would ride dinosaurs to work. When they rode cars they had to run like in the Flintstones. I mean, I don't mean no disrespect, you know, all I'm sayin is that your beekeeper is so old, her memory is in black and white. Your beekeeper is so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Your beekeeper is so old, she hides her own Easter eggs. Yo beekeeper is so old, I told her to act her age and she died. Yo beekeeper is so old she has hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Her social security number is 1. Her yearbook picture is right next to Moses. Yo beekeeper is so old, when the police asked her for her ID she gave them a rock. When she was in school, there was no history class. When God said "let there be light," she flicked the switch. Yo beekeeper is so old, her birthday expired. She needs a 200-foot birthday cake just to fit the candles. Yo beekeeper is so old, she has been taking care of bees years and making a live off selling honey and renting out hives to pollinate crops and she's really good at and is considered a consummate professional by most people who know her.