Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The best book I've ever read

Why isn't this a best seller? Why isn't this No. 1 on the New York Times list? Why? Because nobody cares what Alison Benjamin and Brian McCallum have to say about A World Without Bees. People figure, eh, bees. Fuck em. They're small. They're bugs. I got bills to pay. I gotta bail myself out from this mortgage disaster I got myself into. I don't have any time to worry about some stupid bees. I don't even have the time to worry about other people. Nor do I want to. You know why? Because I'm a selfish fuck.
Yup, that's people for you. That's the way people think these days. So we'll just kill the bees, let em die off, and then once we're lined up at C-Town for a can of Spam since that's the only thing that will be left to eat anymore, then we'll cry. Once we're leaving the dead bodies of our starved relatives to rot in the street, then we'll say, oh, we should have listened to the bee blog! We should have listened to the bee book! But no... you don't read the blog, you don't buy the book. You don't do a damn thing until it's too late.
Laugh it up, you illiterate bastards. Go buy the new David Baldacci book. Go read the new Tom Clancy. Hey, maybe John Grisham has a good legal thriller for you. Hey, why stop there? Why not head straight to the pre-school section and get some pop-up books. Those should have just what you're looking for: a happy ending.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Eating to death

You know, I just saw Wall-E this weekend, and in the movie, everyone in the future is a big stupid fat blob that can't move without the assistance of a motorized floating chair. When the movie was over, I got up and looked at the fat fucks sitting all around me and realized the movie wasn't too far off. 800 years into the future? Try maybe 1. All we need are the floating chairs and we're there. And if this picture isn't evidence of that, I don't know what is. I mean, the bees are dying and now we're eating them! What, there's nothing else to eat? You can eat fucking dandelions! Go to the park and picks those! It's free! Eat drywall — anything but bees! You might as well eat the Earth's core while you're at it. Or the sun. Eat the sun. It only fuels our existence, but that obviously doesn't concern you, you selfish fat fuck.
Oh, and happy 4th of July.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Onion craves the apocalypse

Real funny Onion guys. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Look at this - The Onion did a little bee joke. And guess what happens at the end? A bee dies! Oh that's just brilliant! Hey, we're living through the final seconds of a countdown to armageddon and you know what we should do? Let's make some jokes! Should we put all of mankind's efforts into solving the bee death problem that will lead to the collapse of the entire foodchain? Nah, let's have a good laugh! Let's churn out some funnies! Some real knee-slappers! Yeah, forget saving all life on Earth. Let's write a few sarcastic, cynical little articles in our fake newspaper here, then go back home to our Park Slope apartments and play with our stupid babies and tend to our gardens full of flowers that aren't spreading because the fucking bees are dead! Sounds like a great plan assholes!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Bubble trouble

Great. The bees are dying, the food chain is collapsing, we're all doomed, and what are we doing about it? Catching bees in bubbles. Unbelievable. Here, try it yourself. It's a little game. Good times. Really fun, if you enjoy the end of all life on earth set to a really pleasant piano ballad. Yup, it's the apocalypse and you're busy playing Tetris and listening to Josh Groban. Congratulations asshole.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Beelocaust

Hello bee fans. It's been a while since I've updated this site. I've mostly been preparing my underground bunker for the apocalypse. You know, hoarding food and ammunition, making sure my chemical toilet is in working order... that sort of thing. After all, not a damn thing has changed since this blog started up. The bees are still dying, the collapse of all life on the planet is in the works, a loaf of bread costs twice as much as it did a year ago, and nobody seems to give a shit.
So what's in the bee news today? Let's see... there's a story about how lots of German bees were killed by fruit fly pesticides last year. Thanks Germany! First the holocaust, now this.
In better news, Pennsylvania bees seem to be hanging on alright. I don't know what's sadder about this article: that good bee news consists of "only" 27% of bees dying over the winter, or that if you want to survive the end of life as we know it, you have to move to fucking Pennsyltucky. Yeah right. I think I'd rather die with the bees than spend my last moments alive surrounded by asshole Phillies fans.
And that's pretty much where we stand. The bees are still dying, the Germans are at it again, and nobody likes Pittsburgh. The future looks bright.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

This just in: you're going to die

Hey fuckers — guess what? That bee problem you may have heard me mention once or twice, you know that thing where all the bees die and the entire food chain collapses and we're left eating roaches and mold? Yeah that thing. It's getting worse. It says so in this article right here, you stupid assface. The article says that 37% of bees are now dead, up from 30% from just one year ago. At this rate, all the bees will be dead sometime between 2018 and lunch. Do you realize what that means? Of course you do, because you're reading this blog. It means death. It means Mad Max and Water World and Death Race 2000 and Children of Men and The Smurfs - all those apocalyptic stories we've made up over the years, all will be realized.
But do you care? No. You just stumbled upon this page by accident. Soon you'll be back over at Perez Hilton reading about how they just discovered a week-old peanut butter and banana sandwich inside Britney Spears' vag. Go, go now. Entertainment awaits you.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Bee chips

It's been a while but the world is still falling apart like I said it would so all is good. That is all is bad, but in terms of me being right about the bees dying and causing a chain reaction of misery and suffering for all of Earth, all is good. Anyway, the BBC says they're putting microchips on bees to track them now. This could be good because maybe this research could actually help solve the bee death problem that you've all forgotten about. But it could be bad because, if I was a bee and I was already dying from some weird disease then I probably wouldn't want some asshole stapling a mini computer to my back, especially considering that I only weigh one thousandth of an ounce or whatever.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Planet bee? Not for long at this rate.

Out of sight out of mind, that's the American way right. You have a problem, it makes headlines for a few days or maybe even weeks, but eventually we get bored and then it goes away, even if the problem itself doesn't. Well guess what — the bee problem isn't going away, but the bees are. Just look at this: bee death problems and France and Italy. Oh, the problem isn't gone, even thought our attention spans are. You think we live on a bee planet? Well, we do. A planet run on bees. But they're not laughing. They're not smiling. They're dying! Dying, you stupid careless fucks! And the rest of us will follow soon along with the entire food chain if we don't do something about it! But nooooooo, what's on Entertainment Tonight? What's on E? What's on Perez Hilton? That's all you care about, you selfish fuckers. You don't deserve what the bees give you! They work hard all day, all night, all mid morning, while you're sitting on your fat fleshy ass surfing the web and planning your time share, and all they ask for is a little concern when they're experiencing a mystery holocaust that's probably your fault to begin with. But that's too much. One precious second of your shriveled brain's time is just not available, even if it means the death of all life on Earth. Enjoy your planet now while you still can, you bloody wankers.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

These boots are made for the apocalypse

Hey bee-lovers. It's been a while since the last update, but here's some major news for you: all the bees are going to die and we're still as fucked as ever. Yup, nothing much has changed. The world is going to end, the economy is collapsing, the food chain is being dismantled, and guess what - still no bees. And nobody cares. Yeah, sure, put on your little bee boots and run around! Do a little dance! HEY LOOK AT ME AND MY BEE BOOTS! THEY'VE GOT LITTLE EYES AND LITTLE WINGS, JUST LIKE REAL BEES!!! And just like the real bees of today, they're inanimate objects that can't do anything — like make apples or corn or other food products that stupid boot wearing bastards like us need. Laugh it up boot people. Stick your feet knee-deep in the pits of your own doom.