What has two thumbs and likes blue bees?

You like blueberries? Well you're royally fucked, because the bee shortage is totally messing with blueberry farmers, who are having to pay mad extra loot for their bees. So now blueberries are going to cost $5000 per bushel or basket or whatever the hell you parcel out blueberries in. And that will eventually impact everything blueberry flavored. You like blueberry Eggos? $20 per Eggo! How about Boo Berry? What's he going to do? How's he going to feed his kids? This is so depressing I'm going to put a bullet in my head right now.

Wednesday bee news bonanza

Burt's Bees announced the creation of some kind of standard for what can be considered a "natural" product. Does that standard include murdering millions of bees so you can moisten your filthy lips? Does it?!

The Philidelphia Inquirer published an editorial about how bees AND frogs and birds are all dying out. Yeah, the world is going to end and we're all gonna die. How many times do I have to say it before you believe it?

They're using bees to sniff out landmines in Croatia now. Thanks Croatia. We don't have enough bees as it is. Let's blow up the rest just to save a few kids from losing a leg. Hey, you don't see those kids pollinating any crops do you?

Wanna-bees

Oh nice, a bee. Look at him, chillin there, doing his bee thing, pollinating and what not and just—wait a second! That's not a bee! That's a fucking bee fly! Look at that fake fuck. You think we can't tell, huh buddy? You think that little act is going to work on us? You think we'll pick you up and stick you in a hive with some hot bee sluts and all the honey you can suck? Well think again!
Oh wait, what's that? You help pollinate stuff too? Really? Hmmm... maybe we can talk about this. You got friends? Holler at me, toll free — 1-800-BEE-EEES.

Bees hate our freedom

Now we've really pissed them off. Whatever it is that's killing the bees, you can be sure it's something we did, because now they're turning to terrorism to get their point across. Just this weekend a plane was grounded after being attacked by bees. The tiny suicide stingers swarmed the plane (a 737), flying directly into the engine. Luckily they don't know anything about explosives or everyone on that plane would be totally fucked right now.

Bee blog is famous in Pittsburgh

The word is getting out! I was just on 102.5 WDVE, a Pittsburgh radio station, talking about the bees. And boooooooy did I suck. I totally couldn't handle the pressure. Anyway, here's a contest. Below is the transcription of the segment where I was neither funny nor informative (I'd post the MP3 but I'm too dumb to figure that out for now, plus I cringe at the sound of my own voice). After one of the questions, there's a blank. In the comments section, fill that blank in with what you think is the funniest answer I could have had for that question. What do you win? A fist full of bees, straight up your ass. But you also get a chance to be funny on the internet before we run out of food and someone eats you alive.


Guy: Joining us, Dustin Glick on the DVE morning show. Justin is the editor of the blog Where Da Bees At dot blgospot dot com and the title on top of your blog there says holy bleep, the bees are all dead. Dustin, what’s going on with all the bees in the country?

Me: What’s up guys? Yeah, you know, I don’t really know. Uh… they’re disappearing. That’s all we know. They’re disappearing, they’re dead and the world is going to end. That’s what a lot of people are saying.

Guy: Yeah, now why did you decide to chronicle this in a blog?

Me: Well, I went online and I saw some quote from Einstein that said something about once the bees are all gone you have a few months and then all the crops are gone and then everybody dies. So I figured that was important, the end of the world. And bees are funny.

Guy: Hilarious! I think I found them. Every time I light up a cigar on my back porch there’s like six of them trying to get me. I just got stung four times the other day and it’s like, a lot of people are saying the bees are gone but it’s not really the Northeast that seems to be the problem. What are some of the theories you’ve come across as to why the bees are all gone?

Me: A lot of people are saying cellphones are the cause. I don’t buy into that because I think bees are too small to hold cellphones.

(studio laughter)

Guy: True.

Me: You know, there’s actually smaller bugs that are killing the bees, which is pretty weird.

Guy: Really?

Me: There are these little mites that are killing them. But also I just don’t think that people are treating the bees right.

Guy: How so?

Me: In the news yesterday they said that Mick Jagger apparently used bees to sting his crotch to make it larger.

Guy: Right, yeah.

Me: You know, I mean, if you were a bee and you were trapped in a bamboo shoot with Mick Jagger’s…

(laughter in studio)

Me: wouldn’t you…

Guy: Yeah, I’d kill myself!

Other guy: You might think about cruising to Mexico or something!

Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: Yeah but that’s like, seven or eight bees.

Other guy: But once word gets out that people are even doin that!

Me: Yeah, you know, he didn’t invent that. He heard about that from other people.

Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: Alright so there’s 16.

Guy: Alright so your personal viewpoint as to the most plausible viewpoint there’s no bees?

Me:__________________________________________.

Guy: Right, yeah sure, the whole deal. You’re not kiddin from there. Okay, the last thing for ya, where can people find your blog?

Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: If they have absolutely nothing to do.

(studio laughter)

Me: That’s why I make the blog pretty much. There are about five readers and they’re all in your room actually. But yeah, you said it, wherethebeesat.blogspot.com.

Guy: Okay, and once the bees are gone the world’s gonna end?

Me: Yeah but at least we won’t have to go to work!

Guy: Nice way to look at it! Thanks Dustin!

Other guy: Yeah, thanks Dustin!

The bees are on Mick Jagger's schlong

One of Mick Jagger's 52,000 ex-girlfriends just told the press that the singer tried to enlarge his wenis by covering it in bees. And we wonder why the bees are missing. Wouldn't you fly off, never to return, if someone shoved you in a bamboo tube full of towering dirty British wang? I mean, it was practically rape, if you think about it. Sympathy for the Devil? How about some sympathy for the bees, Mick, you filthy pervert?

They're back — and they're pissed

Great job everyone. You didn't take me seriously about the bees and now you've really done it. Now you've gotten the remaining bees angry. Oh, the bees are here alright, and they're coming to get you. And as reported by the AP, they don't care if you're holding a cancer fundraiser. They're going to sting you and sting you again. Sting you in the face. Sting you in the eye. Sting you in the ear. Because they're bees. And they're mad.

The bros and the bees

What the fuck is this? Farmers around the world can't get a bee to pollinate their crops, while this bee is off giving away free tickets to bros and aging Q-tips. Get back to work asshole!

Weekend Beepdate

Some dork says he's figured out how to protect the bees. He uses some mix of lemon grass and spearmint, which he conveniently sells under the name Honey B Healthy. Is he trying to save the world or just make a quick buck off the suffering of billions? Either way, he's an old nerd.

Illinois' bees are apparently still fine. Too bad the same can't be said for their journalists. I'd think you'd have to be either sick or just stupid to start a news report on the end of the world like this: "Bill Buckley's bees are beloved." HAHAHA! It's about BEES and all the words start with the letter B! Get it? BEES! Douche bag.

And the LA Times starts off their coverage of today's bee death with an awesome paragraph about how the whole world is going to starve, only to pussy out and sugar coat the truth with some crap about how plum harvests are up this year. Fucking liberal media.

Mustache fly steals bee ho

What the hell is going on here? Okay, she's not the hottest bee in the world, she could use a few sit-ups, but there's no reason to go off with some ugly fly with a mustache. It's disgusting! I mean, look at that—his hairy little legs are all over her thorax! Now, I don't mean to sound old fashioned here, but I believe that bees belong with their own kind. Hey, nothing wrong with flies. Let him go meet a nice fly girl and have fly babies. But flies and bees? They just don't mix. Just think about their children. How confused are they going to be? Should I make honey? Should I eat poop? Should I go suck on some pollen? Should I go lay eggs in a dead squirrel's eyes? It's just not right. All I know is that in my day, a bee wouldn't be caught dead even flying down the street with a fly.

What's the deal with the apocalypse?

What’s that in the sky? A bee? No it’s a comedian who hasn’t worked in years. Funnyman, Jerry Seinfeld, is making headlines with promo stunts for his upcoming movie “Bee Movie” (real clever title assholes). And he’ll need that money when there are no crops, no food, and a single ear of corn costs over a grand. Way to go Hollywood. Boycott Seinfeld and this movie.

Bees found in Denever: Idiots report

Some bees were found on a branch in Denver and it made the local news. Yet there's barely a mention of the bee emergency. Apparently, just finding some bees is news enough for Denver. Isn't Denver a real city? Aren't they past the stage in a town's growth where "Stray Kitten Found on Elm Street" is considered breaking news?
Anyway, their bee coverage was pretty pathetic. I mean, they didn't even try:
"Swarms of bees have BEE-sieged some parts of downtown."
"Arturo, I hate to ask but, what's the buzz?"
"I was busy as a bee, Jim, putting this story together."
Idiots:

Holy shit

Look at this sack of crap. Is this what passes for a bee these days? He doesn't even have wings! And I'm sure he can't pollinate for shit. I bet he can't even tell an anther from a stigma. Pathetic. We're doomed. Might as well start shooting heroin now and at least enjoy the last few months before we run out of food.

The burning of the bees (and other stories)

Great. Real nice. Burn the bees. Blow up the bees. Explodify the fucking bees. Hey, we don't need em. Why, I can go out myself and pollinate some flowers right now.

For those of you who want to read more about the mass bee-arson pictured here and other bee stories, this is the place to bee.

No dophins are harmed... but bees?

Bumble Bee Tuna makes a big stink about how they are "dolphin safe", but nowhere on their label could I find any information about them being bee safe. Dolphins may do flips in the air, but bees provide the world's corn, and flowers, and stuff. It's time we fight back bee bloggers!

Hawaiian bees? More like Ha-dyin bees

Laugh it up while you can ladies, because now even Hawaii isn't safe from the bee death syndrome. Yup, just keep doin that Hula. It's just the end of the world. No reason to be concerned. Let the luau continue.

Family Guy makes light of bee crisis

Dude buys 23 million bees

You think this bee thing is a joke? Well some guy in Michigan isn't laughing. Dude just had to buy 23.5 million fucking bees to keep his honey business alive. First of all, just think about how much that's gotta cost. Really, you think about it, because I have no idea. What does a bee cost? You can't find any on ebay — that can't be a good sign in itself. Maybe I should check ebee. Second, if you buy that many bees, how do you know you got what you paid for? "Hey buddy... slow down there. By my count, there's only 23.4 million bees here. What am I supposed to do with that? How many times do I have to tell you guys: bees ain't horseshoes. Close don't freakin count, asshole! Now get me my bees!"

Boo-bees

Okay, the bees are missing. So this is what we do: seduce them back. Come on ladies—why waste your time embarrassing yourself on Girls Gone Wild for a free T-shirt when you can use your assets to save mankind? Just strap on some wings and a black and yellow striped miniskirt and go stand next to a deserted beehive. Maybe douse yourself in honey. Whatever it takes. We're talking about the fate of the world here. Look, the costume manufacturers are doing their part: there are tons of sexy bee costumes to choose from. Maybe too many...
Are the Halloween companies behind the bee disappearance, knowing they'd be able to cash-in on bee costumes? We'll have to jump on this hot lead and get back to you.

I'm seeing red (because I'm not a bee)

Bees can't see red. That means they can't see stop signs. Or traffic lights. Just imagine how many vehicular bee deaths this has caused. For the sake of the bees and the future of all life on Earth I say we change stop signs and lights to blue. Or tiger. That would be cool.

Bees also can't see Elmo. That means baby bees don't watch Sesame Street and can't count to 12 and get really freaked out during the holidays when they get Tickle Me Elmo as a gift and can't see it so they just hear demonic laughter coming from nowhere.

Quick Bee Quiz (Bee Bee)

You’ve all listened to Al Gore’s “Carbon Footprint” crap. But what about YOUR Bee Footprint? Have you done all you could to protect them? Take this quick quiz to find out:

When you were young, did you throw stones or spray hoses at beehives? Yes/No

Have you ever been stung by a bee and found yourself annoyed? Yes/No

Are you a bee killer? Yes/No

Do you want the world to end? Yes/No

If you answered yes to any of these questions you have bee blood and bits of pollen on your hands!

Beeasauruses

Bees have been around for 200 million years. And now they're going to be dead.

Because of you.

Katie Couric is down with CCD

If you don't know by now, what's happening to the bees is called Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD). Formerly known by the supremely retarded name of Fall Dwindle Disease, CCD means just what I've been telling you: Them bees is dying! And it's getting so bad, even CBS News is weighing in on it.
Speaking of CBS News and the end of the world, Katie Couric's stint as the worst anchor in the history of universe seems to have started right around the time the bees started disappearing. Could it be her fault? I know I wanted to kill myself after watching her do a segment for 60 Minutes. Imagine you're just a little bee, home from a hard day of pollinating, looking to relax and catch up on some current events. There's no way your tiny bee brain could handle the shock of seeing Couric's bitchy face pop up on your TV. I think we should arrest her just to play it safe. Nobody would be upset.

Australian bee murder conspiracy

Apparently Australian bees are fine right now (despite previous reports of an Asian ninja bee yacht invasion) and Aussie beekeepers are making a fortune selling bees to America. Sounds pretty convenient for Australia. A little bit too convenient, if you ask me. Perhaps it's time for a little shock and awe in the land down under. What are they gonna do? Boomerang us?

Quote of the day: "One day you've got a whole box full of bees, the next day you've got none." -Dr. Denis Anderson

Don't laugh at the fucking bees

So she wants to dance. So she could lose a few pounds. Big deal. But nooooo, you had to laugh at her. You had to laugh her right off the stage. Well, you better hope those hippies in that field can woo her back with their guitars because we need all the bees we can get. What's that? The lead hippie is dead? Wow. First the bees, then the hippies. That's how it starts.

Bee Alert Technology Inc: serving all your bee needs

Can Bee Alert Technology Inc. save the bees (and the planet)? You bee the judge. All I know is that there is some sketchy shit going on with this company. Just check out the other services they offer: minefield mapping, drug detection and dead body detection. What kind of sketchy bee experts are these? One second they're teaching you how to keep your bees safe from bee thieves, and the next they've found a decaying corpse in the bushes. I guess companies like Bee Alert had to diversify after the bee-tech bubble burst back in '98.

Burt Bee Killer

You know what the secret ingredient to Burt’s success is? Massive bee killings. Every product he sells is made of bees. Mommy bees, baby bees, special needs bees – even the Queen bee. I call on our faithful readers to boycott Burt, his stupid beard, and his sinister bee killing ways.

Asian bees kill platypus

While the Seattle Times weighs in with the same old Bee.S. article telling us nothing new about the bee crisis, there's new news about how some snotty Asian bees are chilling on a yacht in Australia, just waiting to go spread their dirty bee diseases to the Aussie bees. Who's going to stop them with Steve Irwin gone? And when the Australian bees are dead, you know what that means: no more koala bears. It's all connected. You'll see.

Mind your own freaking beeswax

Is there anything sicker than this? Forcing bees to work in their hives making wax, then using that wax to make a miniature hive, and then lighting that on fire. Would you like it if someone came to your office and did that to your work? Is it any wonder the bees are missing? What's next? Forcing sheep to wear sweaters? Oh wait, there won't be any sheep because everything is going to be dead soon because you had to go mock the bees with your fucking beehive candles.

Yeah, eat the bees, thanks

Good job assbird. Yeah, just munch away. Mmmm... you taste that? It's the taste of the apocalypse. Pretty good huh? Me? Do I want one? No, I'm fine. I prefer snacks that don't lead to the extinction of all life on earth, but maybe that's just me.

Worst bird ever.

Bee hearts are retarded

I've figured out why all the bees are dying. Look at their hearts! Their hearts are sausages! What the hell is that about? That can't work!
Scientists need to work on fixing this pronto.

Wales says make your own bees

Scientists in Wales say everyone should have their own bees. Yeah, great idea. Try having a beehive in a one-bedroom apartment in Queens. My landlord gets mad when I turn the TV up too loud. How do you think she'll feel when she goes to get the mail and gets stung 40 times in the face by a bee? What does Wales know anyway? All they have is Catherine Zeta-Jones and she's not even close to being a bee. And her husband is an old pervert and she does crappy cellphone commercials. Cellphones! Bees! Conspiracy here? You bee the judge.

Can you hear me now? Not if you're dead.

Some people think cellphones are killings are the bees. How? Through the radiowave electro magnetism cellphone magic shit flying through the air everyday. Think about it: some studies say cellphones cause tumors in people heads. Now think about how tiny a bee head is. Basically, it's like we're all playing baseball and batting against Roger Clemens who is in an angry mood because he just got done beating one of his kids and humans get to wear batting helmets while bees can only wear wet paper bags. Not fair, is it Verizon?
Of course this theory is really bullshit because when was the last time you saw a bee talking on a cellphone? Never.
Because they're so small. And because they're bees.

Real cute asshole

Yeah that's real great. Bee shoes. Real funny. We'll all be laughing up a storm at your wool bee feet when there's no fucking food left. You better hope you can eat those things.

What happened to the damn bees?

Everyone is talking about the missing and dying bees. Look: here and here and here. Why is it happening? Who knows? One thing's for sure: it's pretty fucked up and we're all going to die.