The word is getting out! I was just on 102.5 WDVE, a Pittsburgh radio station, talking about the bees. And boooooooy did I suck. I totally couldn't handle the pressure. Anyway, here's a contest. Below is the transcription of the segment where I was neither funny nor informative (I'd post the MP3 but I'm too dumb to figure that out for now, plus I cringe at the sound of my own voice). After one of the questions, there's a blank. In the comments section, fill that blank in with what you think is the funniest answer I could have had for that question. What do you win? A fist full of bees, straight up your ass. But you also get a chance to be funny on the internet before we run out of food and someone eats you alive.
Guy: Joining us, Dustin Glick on the DVE morning show. Justin is the editor of the blog Where Da Bees At dot blgospot dot com and the title on top of your blog there says holy bleep, the bees are all dead. Dustin, what’s going on with all the bees in the country?
Me: What’s up guys? Yeah, you know, I don’t really know. Uh… they’re disappearing. That’s all we know. They’re disappearing, they’re dead and the world is going to end. That’s what a lot of people are saying.
Guy: Yeah, now why did you decide to chronicle this in a blog?
Me: Well, I went online and I saw some quote from Einstein that said something about once the bees are all gone you have a few months and then all the crops are gone and then everybody dies. So I figured that was important, the end of the world. And bees are funny.
Guy: Hilarious! I think I found them. Every time I light up a cigar on my back porch there’s like six of them trying to get me. I just got stung four times the other day and it’s like, a lot of people are saying the bees are gone but it’s not really the Northeast that seems to be the problem. What are some of the theories you’ve come across as to why the bees are all gone?
Me: A lot of people are saying cellphones are the cause. I don’t buy into that because I think bees are too small to hold cellphones.
Me: You know, there’s actually smaller bugs that are killing the bees, which is pretty weird.
Me: There are these little mites that are killing them. But also I just don’t think that people are treating the bees right.
Guy: How so?
Me: In the news yesterday they said that Mick Jagger apparently used bees to sting his crotch to make it larger.
Guy: Right, yeah.
Me: You know, I mean, if you were a bee and you were trapped in a bamboo shoot with Mick Jagger’s…
(laughter in studio)
Me: wouldn’t you…
Guy: Yeah, I’d kill myself!
Other guy: You might think about cruising to Mexico or something!
Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: Yeah but that’s like, seven or eight bees.
Other guy: But once word gets out that people are even doin that!
Me: Yeah, you know, he didn’t invent that. He heard about that from other people.
Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: Alright so there’s 16.
Guy: Alright so your personal viewpoint as to the most plausible viewpoint there’s no bees?
Guy: Right, yeah sure, the whole deal. You’re not kiddin from there. Okay, the last thing for ya, where can people find your blog?
Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: If they have absolutely nothing to do.
Me: That’s why I make the blog pretty much. There are about five readers and they’re all in your room actually. But yeah, you said it, wherethebeesat.blogspot.com.
Guy: Okay, and once the bees are gone the world’s gonna end?
Me: Yeah but at least we won’t have to go to work!
Guy: Nice way to look at it! Thanks Dustin!
Other guy: Yeah, thanks Dustin!