Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Wizard of Bzz

There's no place like home, unless you're a bee and your home is California. In that case, there's no place like Kansas. So says some guy who has 32 million bees. He's moved his bees from Cali to Kansi two years running. Why? Because they like it better there. Why? Because it's nice. Why? because it's flat and has lots of crops and things bees like to pollinate. Why? Because shut up.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Wind-powered checkers-playing suction cup bee

Okay, so here's this bee right, and what he does is, well, um, okay, you see, he's got wings on both sides, not on his back, and the wings are like propellers see, and, um, in the middle of his chest there's this huge hole and in the hole there's a tube attached to his propellers, and, like, there's this string wrapped around the tube and on each end of the string there are checkers, and instead of feet he has a giant suction cup. So what you do is, you stick this bee up on your window and then when the wind blows he plays checkers. And that's what's happening to the bees. Bet your fancy bee experts didn't predict that one.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Das bees

The bees are gone. Missing. Dead. All over the world. But not in Germany. Not at uncle Engel's house. Read the happy story right here. It's a story about a man in a forest. An old man with bees. Bees that one day up and died or disappeared, leaving a sad old man to cry into his delicious German beer which he drinks at room temperature out of an ancient stein passed down through his family for ages. Then one day, something amazing happened. The bees came back. Just recently. The bees are back in town and right now there is an old man doing a ridiculous German dance to celebrate. Could this be a sign for all of us? Could the bees be making a comeback? Macht Ihre Mutter saugt Eier mit einem Wal? Mögen Sie zum Postamt nur treiben, einen einsamen Elch zu küssen? Gibt es Bienen in Ihrer Hose? Gibt es?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Child abeese

Good lord, why do people do this? The bees don't like it. The children don't like it. I mean, come on, look at this poor kid. Sucking on its pacifier, staring at the camera like a deer caught in headlights. I guess what can you expect from a dude whose idea for Halloween is to wear zany glasses and an afro wig. "Hey look at me! I'm CRAZY PARTY GUY! Woah-ho everybody, watch out! Oh and stop the war in Iraq, bro." Sigh... that poor bee child. Surrounded by disco douche, bloody-head nurse and the human chalk... How long before this kid flees the country along with the actual bees?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bees like weed

It says here in some British paper that bumblebees like unkempt gardens full of weeds. They also like it when people use the word "unkempt." Could it be that we are scaring off the bees with our lovely tidy gardens? Maybe bees aren't the fancy pants type. Maybe they're surly outdoorsy creatures who have little tiny beards and like hunting and NASCAR. Maybe they want to buzz around in little mini forests instead of pure clean bramble barts. Bramble barts? What the hell am I talking about?

Monday, July 23, 2007


Where are all the bees? Busy making puns instead of working. That's why these clever bees made their home in someone's grill. Get it? BBQ? BEE BQ? BEE BEE Q? HAHAHAHA! Oh you witty bees. No wonder they call you killer bees — cuz you're killin me with your zingers! If only there were people lined up to use the grill, then it would be a Bee Bee Queue!!!!! AAAAHHH!!! SO FUNNY!!!
Seriously though, listen bees: this isn't the Catskills. Go pollinate something before you get gonged.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Clusters of pain

This is M44, the Beehive cluster. It is easily visible to the naked eye, and known to man since prehistoric times. The cluster is 577 light years distant and roughly 730 million years old. Are the bees here? Have they left our planet for their alien home from where they came millions of years ago in search of pollen? In search of a future? If so, how did they leave our atmosphere without burning up? Do they have little bee spaceships? Or can they bee teleport? Either way, last night I found a dead bee on a flower in my garden and I know his last thoughts were probably "Oh, for one more glance upon the sunny skies of my home—Magalaxnarp 12, the 18th planet circling the 442nd sun of M44, the Beehive Cluster," and if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye than your soul must be 577 light years away from your heart.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bee con of hope

Who would have thunk it: Ex-cons just might be the answer to the bee problem. It says here on CBS News that in Chicago, ex-gang members are getting out of jail and becoming beekeepers. So now they have jobs, the bees have jobs, everyone has honey, everyone has money, nobody has to commit crimes, and the food chain isn't going to collapse. It's a great plan. I say why stop with ex-cons? Let's fill our prisons with beehives and get some prison labor going on here. Why not? It works for China. I mean, sure, some people say prison labor is wrong, but hey, why not put criminals to use? Why should we just let them sit around and work on their pectoral muscles and rape each other? Right now jail is basically like criminal training camp. If we throw some bees in there, everyone benefits - the bees, the prisoners, mankind, your mom, hippos, donkeys, some guy sitting on a chair in Tennessee, Cowboy Curtis, Don, Pete, Cindy, Galapanzar X, Kakjshdkja324, and you.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bee and fly: lovers or friends?

Here is a picture some kid drew. What this child trying to tell us? Could it be that the bees are vanishing due to interspecies breeding? Is that what's going on here? It's hard to say. At first it seems like a friendly visit. Clearly we're not in the bee's home, a busy hive, so we must be looking in on the fly's humble dwelling. This little get-together must be a regular happening, considering that both participants sit in front of their own personalized mugs. There they are, Bee and Fly, sitting peacefully, not watching TV, but spending quality time together. Perhaps discussing what they did today. "Found some great new flowers today. Great pollen. HUGE stamens." "Oh, that's wonderful. Maybe you can show me later before I go lay some more eggs in that dead cat down the street." Or maybe they're not talking. Maybe they're just enjoying the silence in each other's company. But wait a second, what's this... photos on the wall... one of Fly, one of Bee. Could this be more than a friendship? Could this be love? Is this a Saturday morning in the home of a bee-fly couple? Did the two fall in love when they found out they each had such unfortunate, obvious, descriptive names—the equivalent of a person being named Human? Is it secret, forbidden love? Does this mean there's hope for all of us? That there's love out there no matter who you are or what you look like? Questions wrapped in riddles wrapped in bacon but not drenched in honey, for there is no more honey, for the bees are out with the flies, and all of us must pay the consequences.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Bees in the Middle East

Yes, in its typical timely manner the New York Times has finally chimed in on the bee disaster that has been ruining our lives for almost a year now, but more importantly, they've let us know about a nefarious bee named Nahoul. That's right, Nahoul the bee is a member of Hamas, and he sure don't like the Jews! Really though, should we be teach our kids how to hate? Probably not. But the real question we should be asking is: Should we be using bees to teach our kids how to hate? And the answer is no with a capital N and then also a capital O because it would make a stronger statement to have the whole word capitalized. See, the bees need to be out there pollinating, not polli-hating. Come on Hamas, how are you going destroy Israel when the worldwide food chain is destroyed? Priorities people, priorities.

Monday, July 16, 2007


Bush thought that upon invading Iraq, the Iraqis would turn into bees and make us all honey, according to this report right here. If this is true, you've got to hand it to Bush. Who wouldn't want an entire country of bees, especially these days. I wonder if there would be a little bee president who'd give little bee press conferences and get tiny bee hand jobs from mini bee interns. Could a bee even get a hand job? If they could I bet it would be awesome because bees have six hands. Although I don't know if six hands would really make a better hand job. What would all those hands do? Unless there's that much bee thing to go around, which would be impressive, although possibly a hindrance to flight. Or perhaps it could serve as some sort of stabilizer, like a natural tail fin. Yup, maybe Bush was right after all.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Meet the beetles

Wish the bees were still alive? Blame the beetles. The African beetles that is. According to The Journal, whatever that is, American and European bees are just a bunch of pussies when it comes to defending themselves. See, "African bees have ways of dealing with the beetles, but European bees do not." Basically, African bees are like little tiny Tony Sopranos. They've got baseball bats in the trunks of their little bee cars and if they don't like the looks of you, you'll wind up wearing a cement thorax and sleeping with the fishes, who will probably eat you because you are a beetle. Meanwhile here in America, our bees just let these filthy beetles walk all over them. The beetles crawl into their hives and say "Hey bees. You know, this is a dangerous neighborhood. Things can happen. Robberies, fires, MURDER. You never know when it's your turn. We're offering a little protection service though. A little monthly payment and we'll make sure nothing bad happens to you. Know what we mean?" And while the African bees would be all like "Are you talkin to me? Franco, call Giuseppe and tell him we got a problem down here," the American bees are like "GUH... okay sir um maybe... um perhaps but I don't have anything to pay you with.... mur... we are just simple honey gatherers." And then what happens? Empty hives and no apples for any of us.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Bees hate pigs

This is what a bee looks like right before it robs a liquor store (with a mouse). Not very pretty is it? But that's what they're reduced to these days. Sad, isn't it?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Unskinny bop just blows me away

"The mysterious disappearance of bees around the world in the last year or two is an alarming indication that we have reached new levels of poisoning on a global scale." So says Darrel "The Brain" Crain in an article on Planet Chiropractic.com that says the bees are dying because of poisons and toxins in the world around us, and so are we. That's right: poison! Clearly Dr. Alice Cooper was right when he said, "Your cruel device, your blood, like ice. One look, could kill. My pain, your thrill. I want to love you but I better not touch (don't touch). I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop. I want to kiss you but I want it too much (too much). I want to taste you but your lips are venomous POISON! YOU'RE POISON RUNNIN THROUGH MY VEINS! YOU'RE POISON! I DON'T WANNA BREAK THESE CHAINS!"
And for further proof of Crain's theory, one needs only look to the attorneys at the law firm of Bell, Biv & Devoe, who said, in the case of Ron, Dave and Slick v. Schemer: "That girl is POISON! Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is POISON! POISON!"
And that's why we all need to recycle, drive hybrid cars and eat less mercury-laden fish — especially those of us who are bees.

Monday, July 9, 2007

She gave me hives

Why are the bees all dead? Maybe because our beekeepers are a bunch of perverts. Maybe if they weren't so busy humping everything that moves and then writing about it, the rest of us wouldn't have to plan for the apocalypse. That's right, the bees are dying from neglect while their keeper sluts are out whoring it up — and using the bees to do their filthy business. Says one beekeeper: "You can spoon-feed your guest a fresh taste from your hive and wipe away the drip with your finger. Then you can sample it too, and lick your lips while moaning with delight." Yeah, great. Half the vegetation on Earth is about to go extinct while this beekeeper pornstar is out there putting the HO in HONEY.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Bee Pluribus Unum

Many people believe the bee problem started in America, and judging by this patriotic piece of embroidery here, they could be right. Look, there's nothing wrong with being patriotic, but leave the bees out of it. They are non-partisan and non-nationalistic. They are citizens of the world. They don't want to be branded with the American flag, especially not these days. Why do you think most bees tell everyone they're Canadian when they're overseas?
And anyway, if you're going to "bee proud" at least do it right. Because I have no idea what country's flag that is. The Dominican Republic? That bee does have shapely legs though, I'll give her that.
Anyway, have a happy 4th of July and if you see any bees playing with fireworks, stop them immediately! The last thing we need is to have our remaining bees blow their little bee feet off.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Found em

Who knew it would be this easy? I just typed in bees on Google Maps and here you go. Found em. Now, I don't know why they're in California or what they're doing there, but the good news is that they're working. You know, it's really amazing that California tries to pride itself on its liberal politics, but meanwhile the state is taking advantage of illegal bee labor while the rest of the world enters a slow descent into death and despair. Listen California, just because your governor has a metal endoskeleton doesn't mean we won't invade your ass and take back our bees. You think this is the real Quaid? It is.