Friday, June 29, 2007

I can has apoccalips?

Good lord, what is wrong with people? Why are people obsessed with dressing their pets up as bees? Look at this poor cat. He looks more miserable than one of those greasy otters they pull out of oil spills. And thanks to this stupid site, I Can Has Cheezburger, now more and more pets will be tortured.
Yes, first we disturb and scare off the bees, and now next in line are cats, dogs, hamsters, rabbits, birds and even walruses. See, readers of I Can Has Assburger send in photos of their pets being abused along with captions written in purposely stupid internet LOL-speak. To really understand what kind of frightening subculture we are dealing with here, just examine some of the comments on our sad bee cat here:
"ah luvz watchin teh kittiz drezz lyk beez an’ awl ah kan du iz sharpin mah klawz too an’ hak up harball stew not so grate, akshulie…”
Using my retard translator, I have deciphered this message:
"I love watching the kitties dress like bees and all I can do is sharpen my claws too and hack up hairball stew not so great actually."
Wonderful. Here's another one:
"OMF. Swarm’n'Fuzzy b moar competishun 4 Bunways. iz bee pussin for awl out warren ticket prysingz."
I'm not fluent enough in fuckface to understand that one. I guess all I can say is that the world has gone insane, and the bees are gonna die and then death shall reign.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I know it's wrong. Mom is wearing a shirt that says "Find a place that makes you happy and go there." Purple shirt baby is smiling vacantly, and possibly—no probably—has been drugged. Together they ride inside a giant racist bee wearing red gloves. The whole spectacle is so bizarre and obscene they had to fence it off so innocent passerbyers don't get hurt. Horrible. Maybe the world really does need to end.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Who's got the propolis?

What's propolis? It's some tree shit. And some bee shit. See, this sticky stuff comes out of trees and bees take it and store it because they love it. What's the big deal? Funny you should ask. "Propolis is a medicinal product that can work as an antibiotic, soothe inflammations, speed up healing of wounds, ease rheumatic pains, combat fungal infections and strengthen the body's immune system." Yup. All that, and NOT a bag of chips. Why no chips? Because you can't have chips when you're lying on the floor in pain with an infected spleen and fungus up your ass.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Framed cow painting in the kitchen

This has got to be the worst Halloween party ever. I mean, sure, they have all the Dr. Pepper you could ever want, but I'm still looking at Nerf bee here and thinking I wouldn't pollinate with her no matter how clean her kitchen is.

Monday, June 25, 2007


Holy shit! "The Pollinator Partnership is proud to announce that June 24-30, 2007 has been designated National Pollinator Week by the U.S. Senate and the U.S. Department of Agriculture." June 24-30! That's this week! That's right now! RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT! We are living in the week of the bees! Long live the bees! Finally! Finally steps are being taken! Plans are being made! Hope is on the horizon and it's dressed in yellow and black stripes! What do you want? BEES! When do you want them? BEES! BEES! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Swedish bees are scary

Holy shit—get that thing away from me! Man, I've had my picnics ruined by bees before but this is just ridiculous. Man, maybe it's a good thing the bees are dying off if this is what they're looking like these days.
Just kidding, that's not a real bee, you stupid assface. That's Robyn, a Swedish popstar worshipped by dorky hipsters. She had some techno type song out last year. It was pretty good—if you're a giant walking vagina.
Anyway, good job Robyn. Thousands of years of progress have brought civilization to this point and now it's all going to end, and your solution is to make bad '80s house music and dress up like the very thing that's going to kill us all. Great job. I can't wait to hear your new song on KTU right after some Cher and Vengaboys.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Benjamin P. Oldroyd is a bee nerd

Benjamin P. Oldroyd thinks he knows all the answers. He just put out an research paper on American bee death and you can read it right here. Who is Benjamin P. Oldroyd? He's a big fat nerd, obviously. But who knows more about bees and science and shit like that than big fat dirty nerds? Look, the dude even had a bee book published. Who read it? Other nerds. That's what they do. They do research stuff and write papers and invent things that are only appreciated by other nerds, as well as dorks and geeks. And what do we do? We mock them. We ridicule them and laugh at their lack of style, inability to get laid and penchant for wearing shorts in the winter. But they're the ones who are out there trying to save the world while we're sitting here doing diddly. Think about that next time you give someone a wedgie.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Happy Beethday

This is supposed to be a cake shaped like a beehive. It's meant to be delicious. Too bad it's made out of Play-Doh and poison and covered in miniature cows and if you eat it you get cancer and die.
Happy birthday, asshole.
The bees

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

13-year-olds, dude

While you're sitting on your fat ass eating things and making said ass even fatter, 13-year-olds are out there solving the bee problem. Yes, some kid from the awesomely named town of Rogue Valley won some prize for writing an essay about bee death, and the essay is better than anything you've ever written or read. Yes, he's home-schooled. Yes, he's a beekeeper. Yes, he's probably a weirdo, but he knows the answers to our prayers, or at least to our prayers regarding bees. You know, I believe the children are the future. Teach them well, and make them fix the bee problem or we're all going to die and it's going to be worse than watching A-Rod bang a room full of grandmas.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Feeling Sl(b)eepy

I'm tired this Monday morning. Tired of thinking about the apocalypse, yes, but also tired from not getting enough sleep. Perhaps I was lying in bed all night thinking about how to fortify my basement, where I plan to hoard canned goods and try to last out the coming missing-bee-fueled end of days. Perhaps. But whatever the reason, I am sleepy, and I shall now rest my head on this fantastic pillow and dream of bees... sweet, sweet bees...

Friday, June 15, 2007

In Japan, even the bees are weird

Okay, what the hell is going on here? I can see that there's a girl attempting to be sexy in a pretty minimal bee slut costume. The arm bands are a little bizarre though, as is the giant fly swatter. Is she trying to swat herself? Is that hot? Is that some weird fettish? Well, whatever it is, it's not weirder than the model plane coming in for a landing on her bee ass. I can't say exactly what it is but there is clearly something wrong here, and if that's what I think, imagine how the bee community feels. Just another case of mankind being insensitive to bees via dirty skanks and model airplanes.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Nicholas Cage causes extinction of all life on earth

I have figured it out. While all the experts are clueless as to why the bees are disappearing, I have singlehandedly discovered the reason. Why are they gone? Where are there? What happened? They are on strike after being forced to participate in possibly the worst movie ever to be made. It is called The Wickerman, it stars Nicholas Cage, it's a remake of a cult film from the '70s, and it is full of bees. Bees everywhere, in almost every scene, forced to witness hour after hour of agonizing acting, forced to play bit roles while buffoons bumble through dialogue worthy of bad porn, and forced to appear in a movie that doesn't include even one boob shot despite being set on an island run by hot chicks. How bad is it? See for yourself (and then blame Nicholas Cage for the murder of 6 billion people):

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

This is news

Yup, nothing else going on in the world today involving bees. Nope, nothing at all. Oh wait a second, there was that thing about THE END OF ALL LIFE ON EARTH. But you know, this guy was wearing a bee beard! I mean, wow, that's not just news, that's entertainment. Bee beard! What will they think of next? Oh I know—the apocalypse! HAHAHA, I can't wait!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Release the dogs with bees in their mouths (when they bark they shoot bees at you)

So this is what has happened to the once grand profession of beekeeping. How can we expect to get our crops pollinated when our beekeepers are more concerned with sniffing their own poop? And can't we at least get some stylish dog beekeepers? Look at those sweatpants... and those weird little bowling shoes. It's like a dog version of someone's crazy grandma who wanders off every now and then and is picked up by the police meandering through a C-Town parking lot talking about the Great Depression. And that's who we have in charge of the entire food chain. Not even a crazy old lady but a crazy old dog lady.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Ain't no party like a Midwest Beekeeper Symposium

More than 200 beekeepers and other bee nuts recently gathered together somewhere in Illinois to discuss why we're all going to die. Sadly they spent most of their time together sniffing honeycombs. But what they didn't figure out is why the bees are disappearing. Still, nobody knows, except for the bees, but they're not telling. Why aren't they telling us? Because they're pissed. Maybe they're annoyed that Paris Hilton going to jail for driving with a suspended license gets more TV coverage than the deaths of billions of bees and the looming collapse of the global food chain. Yeah, laugh it up you stupid reality TV watching whores. Go check out Gawker. But a year from now when you're lying in the dusty remains of Lake Ochechobee, digging for mosquito larva to eat, then you'll say, "Hey, remember that blog about the bees that warned us? Man, that shit was pretty funny. And true. Too bad we didn't listen. Now we're going to die and it's going to suck big time."

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Bee bee daddies

Apparently bees can reproduce without any males involved. No wonder the bee colonies are collapsing. You've got all these young bees flying around without any father figures in their lives. And not to say anything bad about single bee mothers. but there's only so much a mother can do. She's got to go out there and bring home the pollen. She doesn't have time to raise her bee kids. And who's going to teach these bees all the things that only a father bee can? Who's going to beat them with a wrench when they come home 15 minutes past curfew? Who's going to call them pussies if they can't make the varsity football team? Who? WHO DAMMIT? Why dad, why don't you love me? oh god make the pain go away...

Friday, June 8, 2007

Who's that? Browwwwwwnnnn.

Sherrod Brown to the resuce! Yeah Ohio! You're about to have some safe mothafuckin bees, bitch! Brown is supporting the Pollinator Protection Act of 2007, which could allocate $3 billion to Ohio's bees. Yeah you stupid fucks. You didn't think it was real. You thought it was all a big joke. Well now you know it's real, and now you're going to pay about 15 of your tax dollars to save bees in Ohio. And you know what else? Ohio is round on the sides and hi in the middle, and you suck all over.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Einstein didn't know shit about bees

Every colony collapse disorder bee death article these days contains this quote attributed to Einstein:
"If the bee disappears from the surface of the Earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination; no more pollination, no more plants; no more plants, no more animals; no more animals, no more man."
Well guess what suckers? That quote is total bullshit. I mean, it's true and we are all going to die, but Einstein didn't say it. Made up. Total farce. Fake. Wrong. A lie. Boulderdash. Aspersion. A falsified forgery of fiction and fibbery. Myth, misstatement and misrepresentation. Terminological inexactitude, if I may be so bold. Basically, it's wrong, and believing it is like eating a shit sandwich without the bread.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Blah blah blah... bees.

This is Beehive Island. It's in New Zealand. Are the bees there? Maybe. Perhaps the bees there have tattoos all over their faces and fly around doing angry chanting rituals where they stomp around and beat their little bee chests. Maybe... maybe. But who cares the fuck cares either way? I spend most of my days waiting around for the icy embrace of death. Let the bees go to their own private island and stay there for all I care. Kill me now. Kill me with stings of a thousand lonely bees.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Bees make money

There's money in them missing bees. At least in Canada, where "the federal government is providing $136,582 in funding for two projects that will help the honey bee industry address unexplained losses in the bee populations." That's a pretty specific number right there. I wonder what the last $2 are for. But yeah man, with money like that flying around, it makes you wonder who benefits from the bees dying. Could there be some Canadian research scientists to blame? Ay?

Monday, June 4, 2007

Fuck a skunk

They eat bees.

Don't believe me? Look it up, asshole.

P.S. So do mice.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Asshole makes horrible bee balloon

What the hell is that supposed to be? Is that a bee? Yeah, great job you stupid tool. Most bees have wings attached to their head. See, this is why the bees are mad. They're just trying to do their job, pollinate stuff and help make food for everyone, but nooooo... not a day can go by without some loser with a fake Rolex and crappy carpeting making a mockery of everything the bees stand for. And then take a picture of it, and then put that picture online. It's a travesty, that's what it is, and when you don't have anymore watermelon for your barbecue, you can blame this guy and his retard balloon.