Beedolph The Red-Stinged Beedeer

Merry Christmas, you bunch of ungrateful assholes.

This is it: Caught red-handed!

You motherfuckers! I knew it all along! It was a conspiracy! Or a stupidity! Or a conspiracy of stupidty! Either way, the proof is in the pudding, the sweet, sweet pudding:

"A leaked EPA document reveals that the agency allowed the widespread use of a bee-toxic pesticide, despite warnings from EPA scientists."

They knew, but they didn't care. Surprise surprise. "Oh, this stuff kills bees? Well, it also kills other bugs so fuck it, let's just spray away. I mean, so what if a few bees take a hit. Big deal. It's not like we're going to set off some huge mass die-off, right guys?! HAHAHA!" And then they all stripped naked and went swimming in their lobbyist money.

I think the best part of this whole story is that even now that the information is leaked and it turns out that this chemical is banned in many parts of Europe, we're still going to keep using it here. Because that's what we do in this rotten, greedy country devoid of any meaningful culture. We just make a profit. But it's all coming home to roost, or to sting. A fat bank account won't mean shit when the bees are all dead and there's nothing to eat. Maybe then we can force all these pesticide assholes and corrupt government regulators to dress up in bee costumes and pollinate crops by hand with little eye droppers. We can have taskmasters with whips watching over them. Yeah, it will be a grand old time. Except that really we'll just all be dead.

Good times. Gotta love all this freedom.

We got hives

Bees.

Mothafucka we got bees.

They be pollinating trees.

Getting bitches on they knees.

Mothafucka we got bees.

– Eazy-B, chorus from "We Got Bees" from 1995's multi-platinum album, Eazy-Buzz-It

My Cherry A Moron

According to this article in the NY Times, some New York bees are hitting up a cherry factory for their sweet, sweet syrup. Great. That's just great. Hey, the rest of us are all fat and sick from eating unnatural crap. Why not the bees? Maybe we should do this will all our food. Got some leftover Hamburger Helper? Just cram it up the nearest beehive! Hey, the bees are on their way out anyway, might as well let them go out with a bang.

Or maybe it's wrong. Maybe, just maybe we should make sure our precious life-sustaining bees aren't out all day eating Twinkies and drinking Four Loko. Maybe we should take care of them, treasure them, feed them right! We should be holding up sick bees to our women's teats! But no. Fuck it. Let em eat whatever shit they come across in their short little bee days. Who cares? We're all fucked anyway, right? Whether it's the bees dying or global warming or whatever other disaster we bring upon ourselves, our time is limited. We're on our way out. So fuck it. Let the bees pop that cherry. Enjoy it while you can fellas.

Bee all that you can bee

So this is what it takes to solve the problem — we had to bring the military in! According to a NY Times article, "a unique partnership — of military scientists and entomologists — appears to have achieved a major breakthrough: identifying a... fungus tag-teaming with a virus have apparently interacted to cause the [bee death] problem." Yeah, that's right bitches. We got the motherfucking army up in this piece. Now what?!
Yeah, you all laughed. Laughed at the crazy bee guy! Oh, look at him. He's just some wacky nut blogging about the end of the world while hording cans of beans in his closet and hunting squirrels! Now who's laughing? Let me tell you, they don't bring in the army for no good reason. Ever watch movies? You know when they bring in the army? When Godzilla comes to town and wrecks shit! And that's what the bee situation is: motherfucking Godzilla, coming to your town, stomping on your car, tearing your house down and lighting you on fire with his radioactive breath. I mean, not literally of course. But you get the picture. Bee dying = bad. Army called in. Problem solved. Or at least identified.
Man, too bad it's not that easy in Afghanistan. Maybe we should send some bees over there.
What?

War & Keith

Damn you Keith Orlander. Damn you to hell!!!!

The turning of the tide

Oh shit bee-atches. Looks like I finally made a dent on your fuckers. After all this time, finally something is being done. People are taking action. They’re going for gold. Stepping up to the plate. They’re saying, hey, it’s time for me to take part, to do something, to make a difference. To be not only all I can be, but to be all you can be as well. They’re talking about the man in the mirror, and they’re doing more than just asking him to change his ways. What am I talking about? I’m talking about this.

Yes, bee keeping is on the rise across America. People have heard enough about the dying bees and how the scientists can figure it out, how the government is hopeless and helpless and probably hapless and appleless. The bees are dying out? Not on my fucking watch! That’s what America is saying, and I like it!

So what are you doing about it? Yes you, fat-ass, sitting there reading this right now on your comfortable chair, wasting your life away on the internet. Are you going to go raise a few bees or are you just going to click this off, head over to Twitbook and blog about what you almost ate for a snack today? Are you going to roll up your sleeves — or if you’re wearing short sleeves, put on a long-sleeved shirt first in order to take part in the aforementioned sleeve-rolling — and help prevent the apocalypse, which will not only kill you but also ruin the property value of your home, or will you go read some celebrity gossip about how Justin BEEber has been impregnated by Lady Gaga’s hat?

“Oh, wah, I don’t wanna get a beehive! What if the bees sting me so hurtfully? Oh, their stingers are so sharp and pointy — they’re the opposite of erasers, and even those can hurt when thrust firmly into my ear!”

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before. But now is not that time to be a whiny little pussy. Now is the time to roll up your pants and start making honey happen! It’s in your hands, can’t you see? Will you be like those fine citizens in the article I conveniently linked to by the magic of the html fairy, and do your best to save the world? How can you not, I ask you?

So yeah, you should go get some bees and raise them and shit.

FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!!111!!!1!!!!!!

WE'RE GONNA LIVE!!!!!

Great news!

Just kidding, assholes! The news is horrible (as usual). The results are in, and surprise, surprise, for the fourth year in a row, more than a third of all bees have died over the winter. Throw in some global warming and a record-breaking oil spill and you've got yourself one hell of an apocalypse coming up. But you know as well as I do that nobody gives a shit. No one cares. People go online, read newspapers, turn on their TVs, and they hear all the bad news and they say, "man, that sucks," and then they change the channel. At best they sign some stupid email petition. Well, I don't see any petitions saving the goddamn bees, and that means I don't see any petitions saving me, you or your grandma from the oncoming collapse of the ecosystem. Oh yeah, when you're living in Central Park, maybe then you'll say, wow, that guy with the bee blog was right. He wasn't just some crazy fuck typing away on his keyboard with two fingers while wearing a burlap sack and a diaper. And hey, even if I do that sometimes, what's the big deal? Is that any crazier than you not giving a shit about your own impending doom? No, I say. I say you are the mad one, and I am the sane one. I am the bee lover. You are the bee killer.
This is angry bee guy, reporting live from Fuckyouville, NY.