The bees are back bitches

Oh, look who's back. It's the bee guy. No, that's not who's back. You want to know who's back. THE MOTHAFUCKIN BEES BITCH! Check this article right here that says "Honey bees are now fighting back aggressively against Varroa mites, thanks to Agricultural Research Service (ARS) efforts to develop bees with a genetic trait that allows them to more easily find the mites and toss them out of the broodnest."

Now I know what you're saying. You're saying, "But Bee Guy, I'm a stupid fuck who can't understand shit. What does that mean?" Well, let me break it down for you. Bees are little bugs. Awesome little bugs that run the world and make the things you eat by moving pollen around and helping plants bang, in essence. Varroa mites are even littler bugs. They're so little, bees consider them bugs. So they're bug bugs. And they suck dick. They grab onto bees and bite them and shit and give them diseases and totally fuck them up. And this is one of the things causing all the bees to die, and therefore leading to the end of all life on Earth except maybe for fishies.

So yeah, the bees are back, the bees are back, the bees are back in town — thanks to the help of a few smart-ass scientists who actually give a shit about the end of the world. Basically now we've got ass-kicking bees on steroids, who don't take shit from no mites. If only there was a video of these BEEtdowns in action. I don't know about you but it would be tantamount to porn for me.

I'd like to end this post by quoting Abraham Lincoln, who once said, "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves. And furthermore, fuck yeah bro, bees RULE!"

We are not amused.

Some people just get it. Take this kid. Strapped into some freakish spinning mockery by his parents and left to whiz through the air meaninglessly, he cries out at the absurdity of it all. His companion, she laughs, knowing nothing of the irony that is her existence. But the boy, you can see it in his face. He doesn't cry so much as rage out primally against what we have become. For what kind of race is man, that can turn the very instrument of his own destruction into a thrill ride for children? A race of douche bags, that's what we are.

Argentinian Bee Conspiracy Discovered (By Me)

Wow, look at this - apparently there are more bees alive now than ever before. In case a lack of bee-pollinated fruit has left you in a state of weakness that prevents you from clicking that link, some researchers in Argentina say that despite a few years of massive bee death, worldwide bee populations are at an all time high. Oh well, I guess all along every single bee expert in the world has been wrong. 

So forget everything you've read on this blog. The bees are fine. They're great. I just saw a bee in my backyard this morning sitting on a flower and just obliterating an expert level sudoku. Everything is wonderful. The world is great. Just continue your merry little lives and don't even think about the bees, because if anything, there are actually too many of them. In fact, forget saving them. We need to bump a few of the stinging bastards off. 

Or maybe, just maybe, these Argentinians WANT the bees dead. Did you ever think of that? No, you didn't, because you're too busy Twittering. Well let me put two and two together for you. What's Argentina's major export? Soybeans and product made from soybeans (obviously). And do soybeans need bees to pollinate them? NO, they do not. Did you get the picture yet? 

Argentina, we're on to you. You want the rest of the world to ignore the dying of the bees — to think it's not real. All the while, you'll steadily increase soybean production, and when suddenly the rest of the world has nothing left to eat because the entire food chain has collapsed, suddenly it's Argentina to the rescue with your stupid soybeans and all whole bunch of bullshit soy products! Well listen up Arg-holes: tofu sucks balls and your most famous soccer player is a cheater. So you can take your fake research and shove it up your Malbec growing culos! You can't pull the wool over our eyes — even if it's organic wool made from llamas raised in the beautiful Andean foothills. We will stop your plot, we will save the bees, and you nobody will cry for Argentina.

Hipster bees

Oh, whoodeedoo - it says here that the hipsters in Brooklyn have caught on to the bees. Yeah, "Brooklyn Heights Councilman David Yassky wants to decriminalize beekeeping." A little too late, dickface. In case you haven't noticed it, the world has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Most people can't even read this blog entry because they were laid off and now they're living in an alley eating rocks because they can't even eat garbage because nobody can buy anything and that means nobody is throwing anything out. Oh sure, they tell you it was the housing market bubble busting. Well I'll tell you what bubble just busted: THE BEE BUBBLE! I've been saying it for years, but nobody listened, and now you're all saying, oh, the bee blog guy was right, let's build six beehives in Brooklyn and that should fix things. Yeah good luck, assholes.
Now, you may be asking, where the hell has bee blog boy been? Well, I'll tell you: none of your fat ugly business! Also, I've been building my hidden bunker to survive the coming apocalypse. Wanna know where it is? Up your ass, bee murderer! Will I be updating this blog again anytime soon? We'll see, but don't get your hopes up. I've already given up on the future of mankind.