Monday, May 11, 2009

Argentinian Bee Conspiracy Discovered (By Me)

Wow, look at this - apparently there are more bees alive now than ever before. In case a lack of bee-pollinated fruit has left you in a state of weakness that prevents you from clicking that link, some researchers in Argentina say that despite a few years of massive bee death, worldwide bee populations are at an all time high. Oh well, I guess all along every single bee expert in the world has been wrong. 
So forget everything you've read on this blog. The bees are fine. They're great. I just saw a bee in my backyard this morning sitting on a flower and just obliterating an expert level sudoku. Everything is wonderful. The world is great. Just continue your merry little lives and don't even think about the bees, because if anything, there are actually too many of them. In fact, forget saving them. We need to bump a few of the stinging bastards off. 
Or maybe, just maybe, these Argentinians WANT the bees dead. Did you ever think of that? No, you didn't, because you're too busy Twittering. Well let me put two and two together for you. What's Argentina's major export? Soybeans and product made from soybeans (obviously). And do soybeans need bees to pollinate them? NO, they do not. Did you get the picture yet? 
Argentina, we're on to you. You want the rest of the world to ignore the dying of the bees — to think it's not real. All the while, you'll steadily increase soybean production, and when suddenly the rest of the world has nothing left to eat because the entire food chain has collapsed, suddenly it's Argentina to the rescue with your stupid soybeans and all whole bunch of bullshit soy products! Well listen up Arg-holes: tofu sucks balls and your most famous soccer player is a cheater. So you can take your fake research and shove it up your Malbec growing culos! You can't pull the wool over our eyes — even if it's organic wool made from llamas raised in the beautiful Andean foothills. We will stop your plot, we will save the bees, and you nobody will cry for Argentina.


Liz said...

Holy shit, that story was confusing! As far as I could tell, this is what it said:

1. There are plenty of bees now because people are making more of them.
2. The lack of bees is no longer a danger.
3. But overworking the bees might soon mean there aren't enough healthy bees, and we'll be screwed again.

I shake my fist at you, Argentina!

Doris Sturm said...

OMG, where did it say all that? Was I supposed to read the newspaper?

Yeah, I guess everyone has to live in their own bubble of their own little lives in order to survive!

I for one, chose to believe the bees are dying and it's up to us to figure out how to make them better because I'm already tired of soy!