War & Keith

Damn you Keith Orlander. Damn you to hell!!!!

The turning of the tide

Oh shit bee-atches. Looks like I finally made a dent on your fuckers. After all this time, finally something is being done. People are taking action. They’re going for gold. Stepping up to the plate. They’re saying, hey, it’s time for me to take part, to do something, to make a difference. To be not only all I can be, but to be all you can be as well. They’re talking about the man in the mirror, and they’re doing more than just asking him to change his ways. What am I talking about? I’m talking about this.

Yes, bee keeping is on the rise across America. People have heard enough about the dying bees and how the scientists can figure it out, how the government is hopeless and helpless and probably hapless and appleless. The bees are dying out? Not on my fucking watch! That’s what America is saying, and I like it!

So what are you doing about it? Yes you, fat-ass, sitting there reading this right now on your comfortable chair, wasting your life away on the internet. Are you going to go raise a few bees or are you just going to click this off, head over to Twitbook and blog about what you almost ate for a snack today? Are you going to roll up your sleeves — or if you’re wearing short sleeves, put on a long-sleeved shirt first in order to take part in the aforementioned sleeve-rolling — and help prevent the apocalypse, which will not only kill you but also ruin the property value of your home, or will you go read some celebrity gossip about how Justin BEEber has been impregnated by Lady Gaga’s hat?

“Oh, wah, I don’t wanna get a beehive! What if the bees sting me so hurtfully? Oh, their stingers are so sharp and pointy — they’re the opposite of erasers, and even those can hurt when thrust firmly into my ear!”

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before. But now is not that time to be a whiny little pussy. Now is the time to roll up your pants and start making honey happen! It’s in your hands, can’t you see? Will you be like those fine citizens in the article I conveniently linked to by the magic of the html fairy, and do your best to save the world? How can you not, I ask you?

So yeah, you should go get some bees and raise them and shit.

FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!!111!!!1!!!!!!

WE'RE GONNA LIVE!!!!!

Great news!

Just kidding, assholes! The news is horrible (as usual). The results are in, and surprise, surprise, for the fourth year in a row, more than a third of all bees have died over the winter. Throw in some global warming and a record-breaking oil spill and you've got yourself one hell of an apocalypse coming up. But you know as well as I do that nobody gives a shit. No one cares. People go online, read newspapers, turn on their TVs, and they hear all the bad news and they say, "man, that sucks," and then they change the channel. At best they sign some stupid email petition. Well, I don't see any petitions saving the goddamn bees, and that means I don't see any petitions saving me, you or your grandma from the oncoming collapse of the ecosystem. Oh yeah, when you're living in Central Park, maybe then you'll say, wow, that guy with the bee blog was right. He wasn't just some crazy fuck typing away on his keyboard with two fingers while wearing a burlap sack and a diaper. And hey, even if I do that sometimes, what's the big deal? Is that any crazier than you not giving a shit about your own impending doom? No, I say. I say you are the mad one, and I am the sane one. I am the bee lover. You are the bee killer.
This is angry bee guy, reporting live from Fuckyouville, NY.

The bees are back bitches

Oh, look who's back. It's the bee guy. No, that's not who's back. You want to know who's back. THE MOTHAFUCKIN BEES BITCH! Check this article right here that says "Honey bees are now fighting back aggressively against Varroa mites, thanks to Agricultural Research Service (ARS) efforts to develop bees with a genetic trait that allows them to more easily find the mites and toss them out of the broodnest."

Now I know what you're saying. You're saying, "But Bee Guy, I'm a stupid fuck who can't understand shit. What does that mean?" Well, let me break it down for you. Bees are little bugs. Awesome little bugs that run the world and make the things you eat by moving pollen around and helping plants bang, in essence. Varroa mites are even littler bugs. They're so little, bees consider them bugs. So they're bug bugs. And they suck dick. They grab onto bees and bite them and shit and give them diseases and totally fuck them up. And this is one of the things causing all the bees to die, and therefore leading to the end of all life on Earth except maybe for fishies.

So yeah, the bees are back, the bees are back, the bees are back in town — thanks to the help of a few smart-ass scientists who actually give a shit about the end of the world. Basically now we've got ass-kicking bees on steroids, who don't take shit from no mites. If only there was a video of these BEEtdowns in action. I don't know about you but it would be tantamount to porn for me.

I'd like to end this post by quoting Abraham Lincoln, who once said, "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves. And furthermore, fuck yeah bro, bees RULE!"

We are not amused.

Some people just get it. Take this kid. Strapped into some freakish spinning mockery by his parents and left to whiz through the air meaninglessly, he cries out at the absurdity of it all. His companion, she laughs, knowing nothing of the irony that is her existence. But the boy, you can see it in his face. He doesn't cry so much as rage out primally against what we have become. For what kind of race is man, that can turn the very instrument of his own destruction into a thrill ride for children? A race of douche bags, that's what we are.

Argentinian Bee Conspiracy Discovered (By Me)

Wow, look at this - apparently there are more bees alive now than ever before. In case a lack of bee-pollinated fruit has left you in a state of weakness that prevents you from clicking that link, some researchers in Argentina say that despite a few years of massive bee death, worldwide bee populations are at an all time high. Oh well, I guess all along every single bee expert in the world has been wrong. 

So forget everything you've read on this blog. The bees are fine. They're great. I just saw a bee in my backyard this morning sitting on a flower and just obliterating an expert level sudoku. Everything is wonderful. The world is great. Just continue your merry little lives and don't even think about the bees, because if anything, there are actually too many of them. In fact, forget saving them. We need to bump a few of the stinging bastards off. 

Or maybe, just maybe, these Argentinians WANT the bees dead. Did you ever think of that? No, you didn't, because you're too busy Twittering. Well let me put two and two together for you. What's Argentina's major export? Soybeans and product made from soybeans (obviously). And do soybeans need bees to pollinate them? NO, they do not. Did you get the picture yet? 

Argentina, we're on to you. You want the rest of the world to ignore the dying of the bees — to think it's not real. All the while, you'll steadily increase soybean production, and when suddenly the rest of the world has nothing left to eat because the entire food chain has collapsed, suddenly it's Argentina to the rescue with your stupid soybeans and all whole bunch of bullshit soy products! Well listen up Arg-holes: tofu sucks balls and your most famous soccer player is a cheater. So you can take your fake research and shove it up your Malbec growing culos! You can't pull the wool over our eyes — even if it's organic wool made from llamas raised in the beautiful Andean foothills. We will stop your plot, we will save the bees, and you nobody will cry for Argentina.