Bee Caught in Web (Comic)

Look at this bullshit. Some dick made a comic about how he likes to embarrass bees in front of their friends. Great. It's not enough that we're wiping them out in a global bee holocaust. Now we have to rid them of their dignity as well. What's next: bee rape?

Bee all that you can bee

So this is what it takes to solve the problem — we had to bring the military in! According to a NY Times article, "a unique partnership — of military scientists and entomologists — appears to have achieved a major breakthrough: identifying a... fungus tag-teaming with a virus have apparently interacted to cause the [bee death] problem." Yeah, that's right bitches. We got the motherfucking army up in this piece. Now what?!
Yeah, you all laughed. Laughed at the crazy bee guy! Oh, look at him. He's just some wacky nut blogging about the end of the world while hording cans of beans in his closet and hunting squirrels! Now who's laughing? Let me tell you, they don't bring in the army for no good reason. Ever watch movies? You know when they bring in the army? When Godzilla comes to town and wrecks shit! And that's what the bee situation is: motherfucking Godzilla, coming to your town, stomping on your car, tearing your house down and lighting you on fire with his radioactive breath. I mean, not literally of course. But you get the picture. Bee dying = bad. Army called in. Problem solved. Or at least identified.
Man, too bad it's not that easy in Afghanistan. Maybe we should send some bees over there.
What?

The turning of the tide

Oh shit bee-atches. Looks like I finally made a dent on your fuckers. After all this time, finally something is being done. People are taking action. They’re going for gold. Stepping up to the plate. They’re saying, hey, it’s time for me to take part, to do something, to make a difference. To be not only all I can be, but to be all you can be as well. They’re talking about the man in the mirror, and they’re doing more than just asking him to change his ways. What am I talking about? I’m talking about this.

Yes, bee keeping is on the rise across America. People have heard enough about the dying bees and how the scientists can figure it out, how the government is hopeless and helpless and probably hapless and appleless. The bees are dying out? Not on my fucking watch! That’s what America is saying, and I like it!

So what are you doing about it? Yes you, fat-ass, sitting there reading this right now on your comfortable chair, wasting your life away on the internet. Are you going to go raise a few bees or are you just going to click this off, head over to Twitbook and blog about what you almost ate for a snack today? Are you going to roll up your sleeves — or if you’re wearing short sleeves, put on a long-sleeved shirt first in order to take part in the aforementioned sleeve-rolling — and help prevent the apocalypse, which will not only kill you but also ruin the property value of your home, or will you go read some celebrity gossip about how Justin BEEber has been impregnated by Lady Gaga’s hat?

“Oh, wah, I don’t wanna get a beehive! What if the bees sting me so hurtfully? Oh, their stingers are so sharp and pointy — they’re the opposite of erasers, and even those can hurt when thrust firmly into my ear!”

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before. But now is not that time to be a whiny little pussy. Now is the time to roll up your pants and start making honey happen! It’s in your hands, can’t you see? Will you be like those fine citizens in the article I conveniently linked to by the magic of the html fairy, and do your best to save the world? How can you not, I ask you?

So yeah, you should go get some bees and raise them and shit.

The best book I've ever read

Why isn't this a best seller? Why isn't this No. 1 on the New York Times list? Why? Because nobody cares what Alison Benjamin and Brian McCallum have to say about A World Without Bees. People figure, eh, bees. Fuck em. They're small. They're bugs. I got bills to pay. I gotta bail myself out from this mortgage disaster I got myself into. I don't have any time to worry about some stupid bees. I don't even have the time to worry about other people. Nor do I want to. You know why? Because I'm a selfish fuck.
Yup, that's people for you. That's the way people think these days. So we'll just kill the bees, let em die off, and then once we're lined up at C-Town for a can of Spam since that's the only thing that will be left to eat anymore, then we'll cry. Once we're leaving the dead bodies of our starved relatives to rot in the street, then we'll say, oh, we should have listened to the bee blog! We should have listened to the bee book! But no... you don't read the blog, you don't buy the book. You don't do a damn thing until it's too late.
Laugh it up, you illiterate bastards. Go buy the new David Baldacci book. Go read the new Tom Clancy. Hey, maybe John Grisham has a good legal thriller for you. Hey, why stop there? Why not head straight to the pre-school section and get some pop-up books. Those should have just what you're looking for: a happy ending.
Asshole.

The Onion craves the apocalypse

Real funny Onion guys. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Look at this - The Onion did a little bee joke. And guess what happens at the end? A bee dies! Oh that's just brilliant! Hey, we're living through the final seconds of a countdown to armageddon and you know what we should do? Let's make some jokes! Should we put all of mankind's efforts into solving the bee death problem that will lead to the collapse of the entire foodchain? Nah, let's have a good laugh! Let's churn out some funnies! Some real knee-slappers! Yeah, forget saving all life on Earth. Let's write a few sarcastic, cynical little articles in our fake newspaper here, then go back home to our Park Slope apartments and play with our stupid babies and tend to our gardens full of flowers that aren't spreading because the fucking bees are dead! Sounds like a great plan assholes!

This just in: you're going to die

Hey fuckers — guess what? That bee problem you may have heard me mention once or twice, you know that thing where all the bees die and the entire food chain collapses and we're left eating roaches and mold? Yeah that thing. It's getting worse. It says so in this article right here, you stupid assface. The article says that 37% of bees are now dead, up from 30% from just one year ago. At this rate, all the bees will be dead sometime between 2018 and lunch. Do you realize what that means? Of course you do, because you're reading this blog. It means death. It means Mad Max and Water World and Death Race 2000 and Children of Men and The Smurfs - all those apocalyptic stories we've made up over the years, all will be realized.
But do you care? No. You just stumbled upon this page by accident. Soon you'll be back over at Perez Hilton reading about how they just discovered a week-old peanut butter and banana sandwich inside Britney Spears' vag. Go, go now. Entertainment awaits you.

Bees found in Denever: Idiots report

Some bees were found on a branch in Denver and it made the local news. Yet there's barely a mention of the bee emergency. Apparently, just finding some bees is news enough for Denver. Isn't Denver a real city? Aren't they past the stage in a town's growth where "Stray Kitten Found on Elm Street" is considered breaking news?
Anyway, their bee coverage was pretty pathetic. I mean, they didn't even try:
"Swarms of bees have BEE-sieged some parts of downtown."
"Arturo, I hate to ask but, what's the buzz?"
"I was busy as a bee, Jim, putting this story together."
Idiots:

Quick Bee Quiz (Bee Bee)

You’ve all listened to Al Gore’s “Carbon Footprint” crap. But what about YOUR Bee Footprint? Have you done all you could to protect them? Take this quick quiz to find out:

When you were young, did you throw stones or spray hoses at beehives? Yes/No

Have you ever been stung by a bee and found yourself annoyed? Yes/No

Are you a bee killer? Yes/No

Do you want the world to end? Yes/No

If you answered yes to any of these questions you have bee blood and bits of pollen on your hands!