Argentinian Bee Conspiracy Discovered (By Me)

Wow, look at this - apparently there are more bees alive now than ever before. In case a lack of bee-pollinated fruit has left you in a state of weakness that prevents you from clicking that link, some researchers in Argentina say that despite a few years of massive bee death, worldwide bee populations are at an all time high. Oh well, I guess all along every single bee expert in the world has been wrong. 

So forget everything you've read on this blog. The bees are fine. They're great. I just saw a bee in my backyard this morning sitting on a flower and just obliterating an expert level sudoku. Everything is wonderful. The world is great. Just continue your merry little lives and don't even think about the bees, because if anything, there are actually too many of them. In fact, forget saving them. We need to bump a few of the stinging bastards off. 

Or maybe, just maybe, these Argentinians WANT the bees dead. Did you ever think of that? No, you didn't, because you're too busy Twittering. Well let me put two and two together for you. What's Argentina's major export? Soybeans and product made from soybeans (obviously). And do soybeans need bees to pollinate them? NO, they do not. Did you get the picture yet? 

Argentina, we're on to you. You want the rest of the world to ignore the dying of the bees — to think it's not real. All the while, you'll steadily increase soybean production, and when suddenly the rest of the world has nothing left to eat because the entire food chain has collapsed, suddenly it's Argentina to the rescue with your stupid soybeans and all whole bunch of bullshit soy products! Well listen up Arg-holes: tofu sucks balls and your most famous soccer player is a cheater. So you can take your fake research and shove it up your Malbec growing culos! You can't pull the wool over our eyes — even if it's organic wool made from llamas raised in the beautiful Andean foothills. We will stop your plot, we will save the bees, and you nobody will cry for Argentina.

Hipster bees

Oh, whoodeedoo - it says here that the hipsters in Brooklyn have caught on to the bees. Yeah, "Brooklyn Heights Councilman David Yassky wants to decriminalize beekeeping." A little too late, dickface. In case you haven't noticed it, the world has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Most people can't even read this blog entry because they were laid off and now they're living in an alley eating rocks because they can't even eat garbage because nobody can buy anything and that means nobody is throwing anything out. Oh sure, they tell you it was the housing market bubble busting. Well I'll tell you what bubble just busted: THE BEE BUBBLE! I've been saying it for years, but nobody listened, and now you're all saying, oh, the bee blog guy was right, let's build six beehives in Brooklyn and that should fix things. Yeah good luck, assholes.
Now, you may be asking, where the hell has bee blog boy been? Well, I'll tell you: none of your fat ugly business! Also, I've been building my hidden bunker to survive the coming apocalypse. Wanna know where it is? Up your ass, bee murderer! Will I be updating this blog again anytime soon? We'll see, but don't get your hopes up. I've already given up on the future of mankind.

HOLY SHIT

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

The best book I've ever read

Why isn't this a best seller? Why isn't this No. 1 on the New York Times list? Why? Because nobody cares what Alison Benjamin and Brian McCallum have to say about A World Without Bees. People figure, eh, bees. Fuck em. They're small. They're bugs. I got bills to pay. I gotta bail myself out from this mortgage disaster I got myself into. I don't have any time to worry about some stupid bees. I don't even have the time to worry about other people. Nor do I want to. You know why? Because I'm a selfish fuck.
Yup, that's people for you. That's the way people think these days. So we'll just kill the bees, let em die off, and then once we're lined up at C-Town for a can of Spam since that's the only thing that will be left to eat anymore, then we'll cry. Once we're leaving the dead bodies of our starved relatives to rot in the street, then we'll say, oh, we should have listened to the bee blog! We should have listened to the bee book! But no... you don't read the blog, you don't buy the book. You don't do a damn thing until it's too late.
Laugh it up, you illiterate bastards. Go buy the new David Baldacci book. Go read the new Tom Clancy. Hey, maybe John Grisham has a good legal thriller for you. Hey, why stop there? Why not head straight to the pre-school section and get some pop-up books. Those should have just what you're looking for: a happy ending.
Asshole.

Eating to death

You know, I just saw Wall-E this weekend, and in the movie, everyone in the future is a big stupid fat blob that can't move without the assistance of a motorized floating chair. When the movie was over, I got up and looked at the fat fucks sitting all around me and realized the movie wasn't too far off. 800 years into the future? Try maybe 1. All we need are the floating chairs and we're there. And if this picture isn't evidence of that, I don't know what is. I mean, the bees are dying and now we're eating them! What, there's nothing else to eat? You can eat fucking dandelions! Go to the park and picks those! It's free! Eat drywall — anything but bees! You might as well eat the Earth's core while you're at it. Or the sun. Eat the sun. It only fuels our existence, but that obviously doesn't concern you, you selfish fat fuck.
Oh, and happy 4th of July.

The Onion craves the apocalypse

Real funny Onion guys. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Look at this - The Onion did a little bee joke. And guess what happens at the end? A bee dies! Oh that's just brilliant! Hey, we're living through the final seconds of a countdown to armageddon and you know what we should do? Let's make some jokes! Should we put all of mankind's efforts into solving the bee death problem that will lead to the collapse of the entire foodchain? Nah, let's have a good laugh! Let's churn out some funnies! Some real knee-slappers! Yeah, forget saving all life on Earth. Let's write a few sarcastic, cynical little articles in our fake newspaper here, then go back home to our Park Slope apartments and play with our stupid babies and tend to our gardens full of flowers that aren't spreading because the fucking bees are dead! Sounds like a great plan assholes!

Bubble trouble

Great. The bees are dying, the food chain is collapsing, we're all doomed, and what are we doing about it? Catching bees in bubbles. Unbelievable. Here, try it yourself. It's a little game. Good times. Really fun, if you enjoy the end of all life on earth set to a really pleasant piano ballad. Yup, it's the apocalypse and you're busy playing Tetris and listening to Josh Groban. Congratulations asshole.