Hipster bees

Oh, whoodeedoo - it says here that the hipsters in Brooklyn have caught on to the bees. Yeah, "Brooklyn Heights Councilman David Yassky wants to decriminalize beekeeping." A little too late, dickface. In case you haven't noticed it, the world has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Most people can't even read this blog entry because they were laid off and now they're living in an alley eating rocks because they can't even eat garbage because nobody can buy anything and that means nobody is throwing anything out. Oh sure, they tell you it was the housing market bubble busting. Well I'll tell you what bubble just busted: THE BEE BUBBLE! I've been saying it for years, but nobody listened, and now you're all saying, oh, the bee blog guy was right, let's build six beehives in Brooklyn and that should fix things. Yeah good luck, assholes.
Now, you may be asking, where the hell has bee blog boy been? Well, I'll tell you: none of your fat ugly business! Also, I've been building my hidden bunker to survive the coming apocalypse. Wanna know where it is? Up your ass, bee murderer! Will I be updating this blog again anytime soon? We'll see, but don't get your hopes up. I've already given up on the future of mankind.

HOLY SHIT

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

The best book I've ever read

Why isn't this a best seller? Why isn't this No. 1 on the New York Times list? Why? Because nobody cares what Alison Benjamin and Brian McCallum have to say about A World Without Bees. People figure, eh, bees. Fuck em. They're small. They're bugs. I got bills to pay. I gotta bail myself out from this mortgage disaster I got myself into. I don't have any time to worry about some stupid bees. I don't even have the time to worry about other people. Nor do I want to. You know why? Because I'm a selfish fuck.
Yup, that's people for you. That's the way people think these days. So we'll just kill the bees, let em die off, and then once we're lined up at C-Town for a can of Spam since that's the only thing that will be left to eat anymore, then we'll cry. Once we're leaving the dead bodies of our starved relatives to rot in the street, then we'll say, oh, we should have listened to the bee blog! We should have listened to the bee book! But no... you don't read the blog, you don't buy the book. You don't do a damn thing until it's too late.
Laugh it up, you illiterate bastards. Go buy the new David Baldacci book. Go read the new Tom Clancy. Hey, maybe John Grisham has a good legal thriller for you. Hey, why stop there? Why not head straight to the pre-school section and get some pop-up books. Those should have just what you're looking for: a happy ending.
Asshole.

Eating to death

You know, I just saw Wall-E this weekend, and in the movie, everyone in the future is a big stupid fat blob that can't move without the assistance of a motorized floating chair. When the movie was over, I got up and looked at the fat fucks sitting all around me and realized the movie wasn't too far off. 800 years into the future? Try maybe 1. All we need are the floating chairs and we're there. And if this picture isn't evidence of that, I don't know what is. I mean, the bees are dying and now we're eating them! What, there's nothing else to eat? You can eat fucking dandelions! Go to the park and picks those! It's free! Eat drywall — anything but bees! You might as well eat the Earth's core while you're at it. Or the sun. Eat the sun. It only fuels our existence, but that obviously doesn't concern you, you selfish fat fuck.
Oh, and happy 4th of July.

The Onion craves the apocalypse

Real funny Onion guys. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Look at this - The Onion did a little bee joke. And guess what happens at the end? A bee dies! Oh that's just brilliant! Hey, we're living through the final seconds of a countdown to armageddon and you know what we should do? Let's make some jokes! Should we put all of mankind's efforts into solving the bee death problem that will lead to the collapse of the entire foodchain? Nah, let's have a good laugh! Let's churn out some funnies! Some real knee-slappers! Yeah, forget saving all life on Earth. Let's write a few sarcastic, cynical little articles in our fake newspaper here, then go back home to our Park Slope apartments and play with our stupid babies and tend to our gardens full of flowers that aren't spreading because the fucking bees are dead! Sounds like a great plan assholes!

Bubble trouble

Great. The bees are dying, the food chain is collapsing, we're all doomed, and what are we doing about it? Catching bees in bubbles. Unbelievable. Here, try it yourself. It's a little game. Good times. Really fun, if you enjoy the end of all life on earth set to a really pleasant piano ballad. Yup, it's the apocalypse and you're busy playing Tetris and listening to Josh Groban. Congratulations asshole.

The Beelocaust

Hello bee fans. It's been a while since I've updated this site. I've mostly been preparing my underground bunker for the apocalypse. You know, hoarding food and ammunition, making sure my chemical toilet is in working order... that sort of thing. After all, not a damn thing has changed since this blog started up. The bees are still dying, the collapse of all life on the planet is in the works, a loaf of bread costs twice as much as it did a year ago, and nobody seems to give a shit.
So what's in the bee news today? Let's see... there's a story about how lots of German bees were killed by fruit fly pesticides last year. Thanks Germany! First the holocaust, now this.
In better news, Pennsylvania bees seem to be hanging on alright. I don't know what's sadder about this article: that good bee news consists of "only" 27% of bees dying over the winter, or that if you want to survive the end of life as we know it, you have to move to fucking Pennsyltucky. Yeah right. I think I'd rather die with the bees than spend my last moments alive surrounded by asshole Phillies fans.
And that's pretty much where we stand. The bees are still dying, the Germans are at it again, and nobody likes Pittsburgh. The future looks bright.