Newsflash: I'm right and you're an idiot

Ooooohh... so now everyone is freaking out over it. Now that a story comes out in Wired saying that massive bee death is threatening our food supply, suddenly everyone is going apeshit about it. Hey, I've only been saying it for oh, five years or so. But don't listen to me. Hell, people aren't even going to listen to the nerd bags over at Wired. No one is going to listen to anyone about this until they go to their local ShitMart for a grocery run and find nothing but a few cans of Spam and some toilet paper. BECAUSE BEES MAKE FOOD.

I don't know how many times I can say it before you douche bags take it seriously. I mean, you've got scientists saying it and to be honest, that should mean a hell of a lot more than the ravings of some random bee blogtard, but it doesn't. Actually, any issue scientists care about seem to get ignored. Hmmm.. maybe that should inform our future bee saving strategy. We need to stop the scientists from speaking out on this issue, and instead get dumbass media outlets and pandering politicians to talk about it. So here's the plan:

1. Nude celeb photos involving bees. You know, a Ke$ha nipple slip caused by a dead bee. That will get the Huffington Posts of the world excited enough to start posting Top 10 dead bee apocalypse drawback lists.

2. Convince Tea Party buffoons that dying bees is a Libertarian cause. Not sure how to do that. Either connect this to higher taxes and gun rights or perhaps manufacture a fake lost Ayn Rand bee love document.

That's a lot of work guys. We need to get busy. And by we I mean me because you don't give a shit because you're too busy trying to get retweeted about trivial nonsense because you are an entitled twit like everyone else in this stupid first world. High five.

Lawyers Bee Suin

Oh, look who it is. The fucking bee guy. You thought he was dead. But he's not. And he is I, and I is back. Why? Because the motherfucking bees are about to have their day in court. That's right. Beekeepers are suing the EPA for not protecting the bees, and like I told you before, if the bees die, it's not just the beekeepers who are screwed—it's you, me and your stupid mom.

Yeah, I said it from the beginning. The bees are dying and it's because we're all a bunch of assholes who let some chemical dick faces run around spraying toxic shit everywhere so they can make a nice profit. Meanwhile everything is fucked, from the bees to the trees to your face. So suck on that when you don't have anything to eat because the food chain is ruined without bees and you realize it's your fault for being a lazy ignorant pussy too busy watching Game of Thrones to take five minutes and read up about how the world around you is dying and maybe even do something to stop it.

We better all hope these beekeepers are successful—which of course they won't be because the government is bought and paid for by rich assholes with big houses and shitty taste in music (that's just an assumption but I'd bet on it). Thanks, everyone.

Robobees

Boy, if this isn't giving up, I don't know what is. The bees are dying, mostly because of us, so what should we do? Save them? Stop doing shit that kills them? Nah, fuck that—let's replace them with robo-bees.

Is this not unfucking believable? Apparently it's easier to build cyborgs than it is to stop using fucked up pesticides. Yup. That's the human race for you. Hey, maybe instead of curing cancer we can just invent artificial technology and then robots will replace us, just like in the movies.

Oprah

Are the bees really busy?!!!

Okay, really?! So now we're not just killing the bees—we're questioning their work ethic! Are you fucking kidding me? Oh yeah, sure, bees, they are lazy fucks. They just hang out in the hive, throw back honey shots, maybe once in a while flutter around a field sniffing flowers. That's about it. Oh yeah wait, there's also that part where they pollinate more than half the crops that feed the human race. Just that. No big deal. It's easy. Not really a job—more of a hobby.
You know what would be better? Blogging. Bees should stop this whole stupid pollinating thing and go churn out some posts. You know, maybe get into the whole meme thing, start a cat Tumblr, that sort of thing.
Yup. Bees, you lazy shit buzzers. Get a job. Seriously.

Hornets are dicks

It has really got to suck being a be. Now even other bugs are being assholes to them.

You'll bee fine

Some guy in New York just got fined $2,000 for not watering his bees. But then he got all upset and called his city councilman and they got the fine dropped to just a warning. What do I think about this? Well, it's nice the guy has bees so he shouldn't be fined for it. And it's nice there actually is a bee official who could fine someone for not taking care of bees. So all in all this is a great story. Except for the part about all the dead bees and the end of the world and how that hasn't changed a bit. But as long as we have nice little human interest stories for local newspapers, that's all that matters right? HAHA DID YOU SEE THE STORY ABOUT THE BEE MAN HAHA LOL ROFLOL FORLOFLFORLOFLOLF!!!!111!!!11PWNED!!!!! Oh wait, the food chain of the planet is collapsing—BORING.

Somethin something bees

You know, people are always sending me articles about bees. Every time a bunch of bees swarm a telephone pole it's like "OH BEE GUY YOU WILL LOVE THIS." Yeah, well guess what? I don't loves it. All that bee jazz? That's just a distraction. That's just the Man trying to move our attention from the real bee news. Oh, all life on Earth is about to end because we're destroying the food chain by killing off bees with pesticides but guess what: THERE'S A LOT OF BEES OVER THERE ON THAT STOP SIGN!!!! Oh wow, that man is using smoke to get the bees away! Smoke—wow, amazing! Hey, you know what, you'll be seeing a lot of smoke one day soon—smoke coming from the wreckage of civilization as the last survivors of the great age of man cook rats over burning garbage.

Happy Friday you buncha bee-murdering assholes.

Great job

Hey you stupid fucks. You don't think you're fucking up the bees with your shitty pesticides? Then check out this article that says bees are entombing pesticide-laced honey in their hives inside wax covered cells. Get the picture? The bees bring home this shit, then realize it's all fucked up, so they lock it up to protect the baby bees. But guess what? It usually doesn't work because by then it's too late. But at least they're trying, and that's more than I can say for you, you selfish bee murdering donkey dick. Okay, fine, maybe you don't personally murder bees, you you certainly don't do anything to save them. You don't not murder bees, in a sense. You know, it's all part of the real problem of modern society. It's so big, you don't have to leave your apartment to be responsible for some fucked up shit, like the death of billions of bees and the collapse of the entire world's food system. All you have to do is buy a pesticide covered apple. Maybe you could not do that. Maybe you could buy an organic apple. You know, and save the entire fucking world, you selfish horse face.

Told you.

You see what happens? You see what happens Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a bee in the ass?

Kid Bee

Now we've really pissed them off. I've been telling you for years — for FUCKING YEARS — and nobody would listen to me. Yup, let's just let the bees die. Let's kill em. Fuck it. Fuck the bees. Who needs em. Yeah they just make food but who needs that shit anyway, right? Well, now we've done gone and done it. We've pissed them off enough, and now the bees are fighting back the best way they know how. Oh yes, they're coming for us. They're going to pick us off one by one. And look who they started with.

Yeah that's right. And who will arrest these bees? The police? No. You? You and whose army? Oh I know, you try to be Optimistic, but it's too late. It's too late for Thom. It's too late for the bees. It's too late for us all. It was a nice dream but now we're high and dry. Now all we can do is sulk and be paranoid. What a let down. We're letting the bees disappear completely, and for what? A matter of dollars and cents? Ha! What a pathetic house of cards we live in. A glass house, if you will, where we throw plenty of stones. Well fuck it. What's the point. Might as well give up. I know I will. You should too. So just relax. Forget about the bees. Accept the inevitable. There, there, go to sleep.

Bee Caught in Web (Comic)

Look at this bullshit. Some dick made a comic about how he likes to embarrass bees in front of their friends. Great. It's not enough that we're wiping them out in a global bee holocaust. Now we have to rid them of their dignity as well. What's next: bee rape?

E.P.A-holes

Sign this petition to save the bees you stupid lazy fuck. You know the story by now, or maybe you don't because you suck. Now they're saying some pesticide has been killing the bees and of course the Environmental Pussies Association knew all along but hasn't done shit about it. Big surprise! Industry gets it way, makes tons of money, and fucks the bees and the rest of us along with them. So yeah, sign this petition. I'm sure it will make a huge difference and save us all. I mean, when hasn't an online petition had a major impact on a hugely important global issue?

Beedolph The Red-Stinged Beedeer

Merry Christmas, you bunch of ungrateful assholes.

This is it: Caught red-handed!

You motherfuckers! I knew it all along! It was a conspiracy! Or a stupidity! Or a conspiracy of stupidty! Either way, the proof is in the pudding, the sweet, sweet pudding:

"A leaked EPA document reveals that the agency allowed the widespread use of a bee-toxic pesticide, despite warnings from EPA scientists."

They knew, but they didn't care. Surprise surprise. "Oh, this stuff kills bees? Well, it also kills other bugs so fuck it, let's just spray away. I mean, so what if a few bees take a hit. Big deal. It's not like we're going to set off some huge mass die-off, right guys?! HAHAHA!" And then they all stripped naked and went swimming in their lobbyist money.

I think the best part of this whole story is that even now that the information is leaked and it turns out that this chemical is banned in many parts of Europe, we're still going to keep using it here. Because that's what we do in this rotten, greedy country devoid of any meaningful culture. We just make a profit. But it's all coming home to roost, or to sting. A fat bank account won't mean shit when the bees are all dead and there's nothing to eat. Maybe then we can force all these pesticide assholes and corrupt government regulators to dress up in bee costumes and pollinate crops by hand with little eye droppers. We can have taskmasters with whips watching over them. Yeah, it will be a grand old time. Except that really we'll just all be dead.

Good times. Gotta love all this freedom.

We got hives

Bees.

Mothafucka we got bees.

They be pollinating trees.

Getting bitches on they knees.

Mothafucka we got bees.

– Eazy-B, chorus from "We Got Bees" from 1995's multi-platinum album, Eazy-Buzz-It

My Cherry A Moron

According to this article in the NY Times, some New York bees are hitting up a cherry factory for their sweet, sweet syrup. Great. That's just great. Hey, the rest of us are all fat and sick from eating unnatural crap. Why not the bees? Maybe we should do this will all our food. Got some leftover Hamburger Helper? Just cram it up the nearest beehive! Hey, the bees are on their way out anyway, might as well let them go out with a bang.

Or maybe it's wrong. Maybe, just maybe we should make sure our precious life-sustaining bees aren't out all day eating Twinkies and drinking Four Loko. Maybe we should take care of them, treasure them, feed them right! We should be holding up sick bees to our women's teats! But no. Fuck it. Let em eat whatever shit they come across in their short little bee days. Who cares? We're all fucked anyway, right? Whether it's the bees dying or global warming or whatever other disaster we bring upon ourselves, our time is limited. We're on our way out. So fuck it. Let the bees pop that cherry. Enjoy it while you can fellas.

Bee all that you can bee

So this is what it takes to solve the problem — we had to bring the military in! According to a NY Times article, "a unique partnership — of military scientists and entomologists — appears to have achieved a major breakthrough: identifying a... fungus tag-teaming with a virus have apparently interacted to cause the [bee death] problem." Yeah, that's right bitches. We got the motherfucking army up in this piece. Now what?!
Yeah, you all laughed. Laughed at the crazy bee guy! Oh, look at him. He's just some wacky nut blogging about the end of the world while hording cans of beans in his closet and hunting squirrels! Now who's laughing? Let me tell you, they don't bring in the army for no good reason. Ever watch movies? You know when they bring in the army? When Godzilla comes to town and wrecks shit! And that's what the bee situation is: motherfucking Godzilla, coming to your town, stomping on your car, tearing your house down and lighting you on fire with his radioactive breath. I mean, not literally of course. But you get the picture. Bee dying = bad. Army called in. Problem solved. Or at least identified.
Man, too bad it's not that easy in Afghanistan. Maybe we should send some bees over there.
What?

War & Keith

Damn you Keith Orlander. Damn you to hell!!!!

The turning of the tide

Oh shit bee-atches. Looks like I finally made a dent on your fuckers. After all this time, finally something is being done. People are taking action. They’re going for gold. Stepping up to the plate. They’re saying, hey, it’s time for me to take part, to do something, to make a difference. To be not only all I can be, but to be all you can be as well. They’re talking about the man in the mirror, and they’re doing more than just asking him to change his ways. What am I talking about? I’m talking about this.

Yes, bee keeping is on the rise across America. People have heard enough about the dying bees and how the scientists can figure it out, how the government is hopeless and helpless and probably hapless and appleless. The bees are dying out? Not on my fucking watch! That’s what America is saying, and I like it!

So what are you doing about it? Yes you, fat-ass, sitting there reading this right now on your comfortable chair, wasting your life away on the internet. Are you going to go raise a few bees or are you just going to click this off, head over to Twitbook and blog about what you almost ate for a snack today? Are you going to roll up your sleeves — or if you’re wearing short sleeves, put on a long-sleeved shirt first in order to take part in the aforementioned sleeve-rolling — and help prevent the apocalypse, which will not only kill you but also ruin the property value of your home, or will you go read some celebrity gossip about how Justin BEEber has been impregnated by Lady Gaga’s hat?

“Oh, wah, I don’t wanna get a beehive! What if the bees sting me so hurtfully? Oh, their stingers are so sharp and pointy — they’re the opposite of erasers, and even those can hurt when thrust firmly into my ear!”

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before. But now is not that time to be a whiny little pussy. Now is the time to roll up your pants and start making honey happen! It’s in your hands, can’t you see? Will you be like those fine citizens in the article I conveniently linked to by the magic of the html fairy, and do your best to save the world? How can you not, I ask you?

So yeah, you should go get some bees and raise them and shit.