What has two thumbs and likes blue bees?

You like blueberries? Well you're royally fucked, because the bee shortage is totally messing with blueberry farmers, who are having to pay mad extra loot for their bees. So now blueberries are going to cost $5000 per bushel or basket or whatever the hell you parcel out blueberries in. And that will eventually impact everything blueberry flavored. You like blueberry Eggos? $20 per Eggo! How about Boo Berry? What's he going to do? How's he going to feed his kids? This is so depressing I'm going to put a bullet in my head right now.

Wednesday bee news bonanza

Burt's Bees announced the creation of some kind of standard for what can be considered a "natural" product. Does that standard include murdering millions of bees so you can moisten your filthy lips? Does it?!

The Philidelphia Inquirer published an editorial about how bees AND frogs and birds are all dying out. Yeah, the world is going to end and we're all gonna die. How many times do I have to say it before you believe it?

They're using bees to sniff out landmines in Croatia now. Thanks Croatia. We don't have enough bees as it is. Let's blow up the rest just to save a few kids from losing a leg. Hey, you don't see those kids pollinating any crops do you?

Wanna-bees

Oh nice, a bee. Look at him, chillin there, doing his bee thing, pollinating and what not and just—wait a second! That's not a bee! That's a fucking bee fly! Look at that fake fuck. You think we can't tell, huh buddy? You think that little act is going to work on us? You think we'll pick you up and stick you in a hive with some hot bee sluts and all the honey you can suck? Well think again!
Oh wait, what's that? You help pollinate stuff too? Really? Hmmm... maybe we can talk about this. You got friends? Holler at me, toll free — 1-800-BEE-EEES.

Bees hate our freedom

Now we've really pissed them off. Whatever it is that's killing the bees, you can be sure it's something we did, because now they're turning to terrorism to get their point across. Just this weekend a plane was grounded after being attacked by bees. The tiny suicide stingers swarmed the plane (a 737), flying directly into the engine. Luckily they don't know anything about explosives or everyone on that plane would be totally fucked right now.

Bee blog is famous in Pittsburgh

The word is getting out! I was just on 102.5 WDVE, a Pittsburgh radio station, talking about the bees. And boooooooy did I suck. I totally couldn't handle the pressure. Anyway, here's a contest. Below is the transcription of the segment where I was neither funny nor informative (I'd post the MP3 but I'm too dumb to figure that out for now, plus I cringe at the sound of my own voice). After one of the questions, there's a blank. In the comments section, fill that blank in with what you think is the funniest answer I could have had for that question. What do you win? A fist full of bees, straight up your ass. But you also get a chance to be funny on the internet before we run out of food and someone eats you alive.


Guy: Joining us, Dustin Glick on the DVE morning show. Justin is the editor of the blog Where Da Bees At dot blgospot dot com and the title on top of your blog there says holy bleep, the bees are all dead. Dustin, what’s going on with all the bees in the country?

Me: What’s up guys? Yeah, you know, I don’t really know. Uh… they’re disappearing. That’s all we know. They’re disappearing, they’re dead and the world is going to end. That’s what a lot of people are saying.

Guy: Yeah, now why did you decide to chronicle this in a blog?

Me: Well, I went online and I saw some quote from Einstein that said something about once the bees are all gone you have a few months and then all the crops are gone and then everybody dies. So I figured that was important, the end of the world. And bees are funny.

Guy: Hilarious! I think I found them. Every time I light up a cigar on my back porch there’s like six of them trying to get me. I just got stung four times the other day and it’s like, a lot of people are saying the bees are gone but it’s not really the Northeast that seems to be the problem. What are some of the theories you’ve come across as to why the bees are all gone?

Me: A lot of people are saying cellphones are the cause. I don’t buy into that because I think bees are too small to hold cellphones.

(studio laughter)

Guy: True.

Me: You know, there’s actually smaller bugs that are killing the bees, which is pretty weird.

Guy: Really?

Me: There are these little mites that are killing them. But also I just don’t think that people are treating the bees right.

Guy: How so?

Me: In the news yesterday they said that Mick Jagger apparently used bees to sting his crotch to make it larger.

Guy: Right, yeah.

Me: You know, I mean, if you were a bee and you were trapped in a bamboo shoot with Mick Jagger’s…

(laughter in studio)

Me: wouldn’t you…

Guy: Yeah, I’d kill myself!

Other guy: You might think about cruising to Mexico or something!

Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: Yeah but that’s like, seven or eight bees.

Other guy: But once word gets out that people are even doin that!

Me: Yeah, you know, he didn’t invent that. He heard about that from other people.

Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: Alright so there’s 16.

Guy: Alright so your personal viewpoint as to the most plausible viewpoint there’s no bees?

Me:__________________________________________.

Guy: Right, yeah sure, the whole deal. You’re not kiddin from there. Okay, the last thing for ya, where can people find your blog?

Comedian guy with Brooklyn voice: If they have absolutely nothing to do.

(studio laughter)

Me: That’s why I make the blog pretty much. There are about five readers and they’re all in your room actually. But yeah, you said it, wherethebeesat.blogspot.com.

Guy: Okay, and once the bees are gone the world’s gonna end?

Me: Yeah but at least we won’t have to go to work!

Guy: Nice way to look at it! Thanks Dustin!

Other guy: Yeah, thanks Dustin!

The bees are on Mick Jagger's schlong

One of Mick Jagger's 52,000 ex-girlfriends just told the press that the singer tried to enlarge his wenis by covering it in bees. And we wonder why the bees are missing. Wouldn't you fly off, never to return, if someone shoved you in a bamboo tube full of towering dirty British wang? I mean, it was practically rape, if you think about it. Sympathy for the Devil? How about some sympathy for the bees, Mick, you filthy pervert?

They're back — and they're pissed

Great job everyone. You didn't take me seriously about the bees and now you've really done it. Now you've gotten the remaining bees angry. Oh, the bees are here alright, and they're coming to get you. And as reported by the AP, they don't care if you're holding a cancer fundraiser. They're going to sting you and sting you again. Sting you in the face. Sting you in the eye. Sting you in the ear. Because they're bees. And they're mad.