Child abeese

Good lord, why do people do this? The bees don't like it. The children don't like it. I mean, come on, look at this poor kid. Sucking on its pacifier, staring at the camera like a deer caught in headlights. I guess what can you expect from a dude whose idea for Halloween is to wear zany glasses and an afro wig. "Hey look at me! I'm CRAZY PARTY GUY! Woah-ho everybody, watch out! Oh and stop the war in Iraq, bro." Sigh... that poor bee child. Surrounded by disco douche, bloody-head nurse and the human chalk... How long before this kid flees the country along with the actual bees?

Bees like weed

It says here in some British paper that bumblebees like unkempt gardens full of weeds. They also like it when people use the word "unkempt." Could it be that we are scaring off the bees with our lovely tidy gardens? Maybe bees aren't the fancy pants type. Maybe they're surly outdoorsy creatures who have little tiny beards and like hunting and NASCAR. Maybe they want to buzz around in little mini forests instead of pure clean bramble barts. Bramble barts? What the hell am I talking about?

BeeBQ

Where are all the bees? Busy making puns instead of working. That's why these clever bees made their home in someone's grill. Get it? BBQ? BEE BQ? BEE BEE Q? HAHAHAHA! Oh you witty bees. No wonder they call you killer bees — cuz you're killin me with your zingers! If only there were people lined up to use the grill, then it would be a Bee Bee Queue!!!!! AAAAHHH!!! SO FUNNY!!!
Seriously though, listen bees: this isn't the Catskills. Go pollinate something before you get gonged.

Clusters of pain

This is M44, the Beehive cluster. It is easily visible to the naked eye, and known to man since prehistoric times. The cluster is 577 light years distant and roughly 730 million years old. Are the bees here? Have they left our planet for their alien home from where they came millions of years ago in search of pollen? In search of a future? If so, how did they leave our atmosphere without burning up? Do they have little bee spaceships? Or can they bee teleport? Either way, last night I found a dead bee on a flower in my garden and I know his last thoughts were probably "Oh, for one more glance upon the sunny skies of my home—Magalaxnarp 12, the 18th planet circling the 442nd sun of M44, the Beehive Cluster," and if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye than your soul must be 577 light years away from your heart.

Bee con of hope

Who would have thunk it: Ex-cons just might be the answer to the bee problem. It says here on CBS News that in Chicago, ex-gang members are getting out of jail and becoming beekeepers. So now they have jobs, the bees have jobs, everyone has honey, everyone has money, nobody has to commit crimes, and the food chain isn't going to collapse. It's a great plan. I say why stop with ex-cons? Let's fill our prisons with beehives and get some prison labor going on here. Why not? It works for China. I mean, sure, some people say prison labor is wrong, but hey, why not put criminals to use? Why should we just let them sit around and work on their pectoral muscles and rape each other? Right now jail is basically like criminal training camp. If we throw some bees in there, everyone benefits - the bees, the prisoners, mankind, your mom, hippos, donkeys, some guy sitting on a chair in Tennessee, Cowboy Curtis, Don, Pete, Cindy, Galapanzar X, Kakjshdkja324, and you.

Bee and fly: lovers or friends?

Here is a picture some kid drew. What this child trying to tell us? Could it be that the bees are vanishing due to interspecies breeding? Is that what's going on here? It's hard to say. At first it seems like a friendly visit. Clearly we're not in the bee's home, a busy hive, so we must be looking in on the fly's humble dwelling. This little get-together must be a regular happening, considering that both participants sit in front of their own personalized mugs. There they are, Bee and Fly, sitting peacefully, not watching TV, but spending quality time together. Perhaps discussing what they did today. "Found some great new flowers today. Great pollen. HUGE stamens." "Oh, that's wonderful. Maybe you can show me later before I go lay some more eggs in that dead cat down the street." Or maybe they're not talking. Maybe they're just enjoying the silence in each other's company. But wait a second, what's this... photos on the wall... one of Fly, one of Bee. Could this be more than a friendship? Could this be love? Is this a Saturday morning in the home of a bee-fly couple? Did the two fall in love when they found out they each had such unfortunate, obvious, descriptive names—the equivalent of a person being named Human? Is it secret, forbidden love? Does this mean there's hope for all of us? That there's love out there no matter who you are or what you look like? Questions wrapped in riddles wrapped in bacon but not drenched in honey, for there is no more honey, for the bees are out with the flies, and all of us must pay the consequences.

Bees in the Middle East

Yes, in its typical timely manner the New York Times has finally chimed in on the bee disaster that has been ruining our lives for almost a year now, but more importantly, they've let us know about a nefarious bee named Nahoul. That's right, Nahoul the bee is a member of Hamas, and he sure don't like the Jews! Really though, should we be teach our kids how to hate? Probably not. But the real question we should be asking is: Should we be using bees to teach our kids how to hate? And the answer is no with a capital N and then also a capital O because it would make a stronger statement to have the whole word capitalized. See, the bees need to be out there pollinating, not polli-hating. Come on Hamas, how are you going destroy Israel when the worldwide food chain is destroyed? Priorities people, priorities.