Iraqbees

Bush thought that upon invading Iraq, the Iraqis would turn into bees and make us all honey, according to this report right here. If this is true, you've got to hand it to Bush. Who wouldn't want an entire country of bees, especially these days. I wonder if there would be a little bee president who'd give little bee press conferences and get tiny bee hand jobs from mini bee interns. Could a bee even get a hand job? If they could I bet it would be awesome because bees have six hands. Although I don't know if six hands would really make a better hand job. What would all those hands do? Unless there's that much bee thing to go around, which would be impressive, although possibly a hindrance to flight. Or perhaps it could serve as some sort of stabilizer, like a natural tail fin. Yup, maybe Bush was right after all.

Meet the beetles

Wish the bees were still alive? Blame the beetles. The African beetles that is. According to The Journal, whatever that is, American and European bees are just a bunch of pussies when it comes to defending themselves. See, "African bees have ways of dealing with the beetles, but European bees do not." Basically, African bees are like little tiny Tony Sopranos. They've got baseball bats in the trunks of their little bee cars and if they don't like the looks of you, you'll wind up wearing a cement thorax and sleeping with the fishes, who will probably eat you because you are a beetle. Meanwhile here in America, our bees just let these filthy beetles walk all over them. The beetles crawl into their hives and say "Hey bees. You know, this is a dangerous neighborhood. Things can happen. Robberies, fires, MURDER. You never know when it's your turn. We're offering a little protection service though. A little monthly payment and we'll make sure nothing bad happens to you. Know what we mean?" And while the African bees would be all like "Are you talkin to me? Franco, call Giuseppe and tell him we got a problem down here," the American bees are like "GUH... okay sir um maybe... um perhaps but I don't have anything to pay you with.... mur... we are just simple honey gatherers." And then what happens? Empty hives and no apples for any of us.

Bees hate pigs

This is what a bee looks like right before it robs a liquor store (with a mouse). Not very pretty is it? But that's what they're reduced to these days. Sad, isn't it?

Unskinny bop just blows me away

"The mysterious disappearance of bees around the world in the last year or two is an alarming indication that we have reached new levels of poisoning on a global scale." So says Darrel "The Brain" Crain in an article on Planet Chiropractic.com that says the bees are dying because of poisons and toxins in the world around us, and so are we. That's right: poison! Clearly Dr. Alice Cooper was right when he said, "Your cruel device, your blood, like ice. One look, could kill. My pain, your thrill. I want to love you but I better not touch (don't touch). I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop. I want to kiss you but I want it too much (too much). I want to taste you but your lips are venomous POISON! YOU'RE POISON RUNNIN THROUGH MY VEINS! YOU'RE POISON! I DON'T WANNA BREAK THESE CHAINS!"
And for further proof of Crain's theory, one needs only look to the attorneys at the law firm of Bell, Biv & Devoe, who said, in the case of Ron, Dave and Slick v. Schemer: "That girl is POISON! Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is POISON! POISON!"
And that's why we all need to recycle, drive hybrid cars and eat less mercury-laden fish — especially those of us who are bees.

She gave me hives

Why are the bees all dead? Maybe because our beekeepers are a bunch of perverts. Maybe if they weren't so busy humping everything that moves and then writing about it, the rest of us wouldn't have to plan for the apocalypse. That's right, the bees are dying from neglect while their keeper sluts are out whoring it up — and using the bees to do their filthy business. Says one beekeeper: "You can spoon-feed your guest a fresh taste from your hive and wipe away the drip with your finger. Then you can sample it too, and lick your lips while moaning with delight." Yeah, great. Half the vegetation on Earth is about to go extinct while this beekeeper pornstar is out there putting the HO in HONEY.

Bee Pluribus Unum

Many people believe the bee problem started in America, and judging by this patriotic piece of embroidery here, they could be right. Look, there's nothing wrong with being patriotic, but leave the bees out of it. They are non-partisan and non-nationalistic. They are citizens of the world. They don't want to be branded with the American flag, especially not these days. Why do you think most bees tell everyone they're Canadian when they're overseas?
And anyway, if you're going to "bee proud" at least do it right. Because I have no idea what country's flag that is. The Dominican Republic? That bee does have shapely legs though, I'll give her that.
Anyway, have a happy 4th of July and if you see any bees playing with fireworks, stop them immediately! The last thing we need is to have our remaining bees blow their little bee feet off.

Found em

Who knew it would be this easy? I just typed in bees on Google Maps and here you go. Found em. Now, I don't know why they're in California or what they're doing there, but the good news is that they're working. You know, it's really amazing that California tries to pride itself on its liberal politics, but meanwhile the state is taking advantage of illegal bee labor while the rest of the world enters a slow descent into death and despair. Listen California, just because your governor has a metal endoskeleton doesn't mean we won't invade your ass and take back our bees. You think this is the real Quaid? It is.