HOLY SHIT THE BEES ARE ALL DEAD

Hornets are dicks

2012-01-10T06:51:00.001-08:00

It has really got to suck being a be. Now even other bugs are being assholes to them.

You'll bee fine

2011-07-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

Some guy in New York just got fined $2,000 for not watering his bees. But then he got all upset and called his city councilman and they got the fine dropped to just a warning. What do I think about this? Well, it's nice the guy has bees so he shouldn't be fined for it. And it's nice there actually is a bee official who could fine someone for not taking care of bees. So all in all this is a great story. Except for the part about all the dead bees and the end of the world and how that hasn't changed a bit. But as long as we have nice little human interest stories for local newspapers, that's all that matters right? HAHA DID YOU SEE THE STORY ABOUT THE BEE MAN HAHA LOL ROFLOL FORLOFLFORLOFLOLF!!!!111!!!11PWNED!!!!! Oh wait, the food chain of the planet is collapsing—BORING.

Somethin something bees

2011-06-17T07:02:00.001-07:00

You know, people are always sending me articles about bees. Every time a bunch of bees swarm a telephone pole it's like "OH BEE GUY YOU WILL LOVE THIS." Yeah, well guess what? I don't loves it. All that bee jazz? That's just a distraction. That's just the Man trying to move our attention from the real bee news. Oh, all life on Earth is about to end because we're destroying the food chain by killing off bees with pesticides but guess what: THERE'S A LOT OF BEES OVER THERE ON THAT STOP SIGN!!!! Oh wow, that man is using smoke to get the bees away! Smoke—wow, amazing! Hey, you know what, you'll be seeing a lot of smoke one day soon—smoke coming from the wreckage of civilization as the last survivors of the great age of man cook rats over burning garbage.

Happy Friday you buncha bee-murdering assholes.

Great job

2011-04-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

Hey you stupid fucks. You don't think you're fucking up the bees with your shitty pesticides? Then check out this article that says bees are entombing pesticide-laced honey in their hives inside wax covered cells. Get the picture? The bees bring home this shit, then realize it's all fucked up, so they lock it up to protect the baby bees. But guess what? It usually doesn't work because by then it's too late. But at least they're trying, and that's more than I can say for you, you selfish bee murdering donkey dick. Okay, fine, maybe you don't personally murder bees, you you certainly don't do anything to save them. You don't not murder bees, in a sense. You know, it's all part of the real problem of modern society. It's so big, you don't have to leave your apartment to be responsible for some fucked up shit, like the death of billions of bees and the collapse of the entire world's food system. All you have to do is buy a pesticide covered apple. Maybe you could not do that. Maybe you could buy an organic apple. You know, and save the entire fucking world, you selfish horse face.

Told you.

2011-03-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

You see what happens? You see what happens Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a bee in the ass?

Kid Bee

2011-02-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

Now we've really pissed them off. I've been telling you for years — for FUCKING YEARS — and nobody would listen to me. Yup, let's just let the bees die. Let's kill em. Fuck it. Fuck the bees. Who needs em. Yeah they just make food but who needs that shit anyway, right? Well, now we've done gone and done it. We've pissed them off enough, and now the bees are fighting back the best way they know how. Oh yes, they're coming for us. They're going to pick us off one by one. And look who they started with.

Yeah that's right. And who will arrest these bees? The police? No. You? You and whose army? Oh I know, you try to be Optimistic, but it's too late. It's too late for Thom. It's too late for the bees. It's too late for us all. It was a nice dream but now we're high and dry. Now all we can do is sulk and be paranoid. What a let down. We're letting the bees disappear completely, and for what? A matter of dollars and cents? Ha! What a pathetic house of cards we live in. A glass house, if you will, where we throw plenty of stones. Well fuck it. What's the point. Might as well give up. I know I will. You should too. So just relax. Forget about the bees. Accept the inevitable. There, there, go to sleep.

Bee Caught in Web (Comic)

2011-02-10T08:05:00.000-08:00

Look at this bullshit. Some dick made a comic about how he likes to embarrass bees in front of their friends. Great. It's not enough that we're wiping them out in a global bee holocaust. Now we have to rid them of their dignity as well. What's next: bee rape?

E.P.A-holes

2011-01-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

Sign this petition to save the bees you stupid lazy fuck. You know the story by now, or maybe you don't because you suck. Now they're saying some pesticide has been killing the bees and of course the Environmental Pussies Association knew all along but hasn't done shit about it. Big surprise! Industry gets it way, makes tons of money, and fucks the bees and the rest of us along with them. So yeah, sign this petition. I'm sure it will make a huge difference and save us all. I mean, when hasn't an online petition had a major impact on a hugely important global issue?

Beedolph The Red-Stinged Beedeer

2010-12-25T13:59:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, you bunch of ungrateful assholes.

This is it: Caught red-handed!

2010-12-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

You motherfuckers! I knew it all along! It was a conspiracy! Or a stupidity! Or a conspiracy of stupidty! Either way, the proof is in the pudding, the sweet, sweet pudding:

"A leaked EPA document reveals that the agency allowed the widespread use of a bee-toxic pesticide, despite warnings from EPA scientists."

They knew, but they didn't care. Surprise surprise. "Oh, this stuff kills bees? Well, it also kills other bugs so fuck it, let's just spray away. I mean, so what if a few bees take a hit. Big deal. It's not like we're going to set off some huge mass die-off, right guys?! HAHAHA!" And then they all stripped naked and went swimming in their lobbyist money.

I think the best part of this whole story is that even now that the information is leaked and it turns out that this chemical is banned in many parts of Europe, we're still going to keep using it here. Because that's what we do in this rotten, greedy country devoid of any meaningful culture. We just make a profit. But it's all coming home to roost, or to sting. A fat bank account won't mean shit when the bees are all dead and there's nothing to eat. Maybe then we can force all these pesticide assholes and corrupt government regulators to dress up in bee costumes and pollinate crops by hand with little eye droppers. We can have taskmasters with whips watching over them. Yeah, it will be a grand old time. Except that really we'll just all be dead.

Good times. Gotta love all this freedom.

We got hives

2010-12-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

Bees.

Mothafucka we got bees.

They be pollinating trees.

Getting bitches on they knees.

Mothafucka we got bees.

– Eazy-B, chorus from "We Got Bees" from 1995's multi-platinum album, Eazy-Buzz-It

My Cherry A Moron

2010-12-08T11:59:00.001-08:00

According to this article in the NY Times, some New York bees are hitting up a cherry factory for their sweet, sweet syrup. Great. That's just great. Hey, the rest of us are all fat and sick from eating unnatural crap. Why not the bees? Maybe we should do this will all our food. Got some leftover Hamburger Helper? Just cram it up the nearest beehive! Hey, the bees are on their way out anyway, might as well let them go out with a bang.

Or maybe it's wrong. Maybe, just maybe we should make sure our precious life-sustaining bees aren't out all day eating Twinkies and drinking Four Loko. Maybe we should take care of them, treasure them, feed them right! We should be holding up sick bees to our women's teats! But no. Fuck it. Let em eat whatever shit they come across in their short little bee days. Who cares? We're all fucked anyway, right? Whether it's the bees dying or global warming or whatever other disaster we bring upon ourselves, our time is limited. We're on our way out. So fuck it. Let the bees pop that cherry. Enjoy it while you can fellas.

Bee all that you can bee

2010-10-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

So this is what it takes to solve the problem — we had to bring the military in! According to a NY Times article, "a unique partnership — of military scientists and entomologists — appears to have achieved a major breakthrough: identifying a... fungus tag-teaming with a virus have apparently interacted to cause the [bee death] problem." Yeah, that's right bitches. We got the motherfucking army up in this piece. Now what?!
Yeah, you all laughed. Laughed at the crazy bee guy! Oh, look at him. He's just some wacky nut blogging about the end of the world while hording cans of beans in his closet and hunting squirrels! Now who's laughing? Let me tell you, they don't bring in the army for no good reason. Ever watch movies? You know when they bring in the army? When Godzilla comes to town and wrecks shit! And that's what the bee situation is: motherfucking Godzilla, coming to your town, stomping on your car, tearing your house down and lighting you on fire with his radioactive breath. I mean, not literally of course. But you get the picture. Bee dying = bad. Army called in. Problem solved. Or at least identified.
Man, too bad it's not that easy in Afghanistan. Maybe we should send some bees over there.
What?

War & Keith

2010-09-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

Damn you Keith Orlander. Damn you to hell!!!!

The turning of the tide

2010-05-20T04:59:00.000-07:00

Oh shit bee-atches. Looks like I finally made a dent on your fuckers. After all this time, finally something is being done. People are taking action. They’re going for gold. Stepping up to the plate. They’re saying, hey, it’s time for me to take part, to do something, to make a difference. To be not only all I can be, but to be all you can be as well. They’re talking about the man in the mirror, and they’re doing more than just asking him to change his ways. What am I talking about? I’m talking about this.

Yes, bee keeping is on the rise across America. People have heard enough about the dying bees and how the scientists can figure it out, how the government is hopeless and helpless and probably hapless and appleless. The bees are dying out? Not on my fucking watch! That’s what America is saying, and I like it!

So what are you doing about it? Yes you, fat-ass, sitting there reading this right now on your comfortable chair, wasting your life away on the internet. Are you going to go raise a few bees or are you just going to click this off, head over to Twitbook and blog about what you almost ate for a snack today? Are you going to roll up your sleeves — or if you’re wearing short sleeves, put on a long-sleeved shirt first in order to take part in the aforementioned sleeve-rolling — and help prevent the apocalypse, which will not only kill you but also ruin the property value of your home, or will you go read some celebrity gossip about how Justin BEEber has been impregnated by Lady Gaga’s hat?

“Oh, wah, I don’t wanna get a beehive! What if the bees sting me so hurtfully? Oh, their stingers are so sharp and pointy — they’re the opposite of erasers, and even those can hurt when thrust firmly into my ear!”

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before. But now is not that time to be a whiny little pussy. Now is the time to roll up your pants and start making honey happen! It’s in your hands, can’t you see? Will you be like those fine citizens in the article I conveniently linked to by the magic of the html fairy, and do your best to save the world? How can you not, I ask you?

So yeah, you should go get some bees and raise them and shit.

FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!!111!!!1!!!!!!

2010-05-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

WE'RE GONNA LIVE!!!!!

Great news!

2010-05-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

Just kidding, assholes! The news is horrible (as usual). The results are in, and surprise, surprise, for the fourth year in a row, more than a third of all bees have died over the winter. Throw in some global warming and a record-breaking oil spill and you've got yourself one hell of an apocalypse coming up. But you know as well as I do that nobody gives a shit. No one cares. People go online, read newspapers, turn on their TVs, and they hear all the bad news and they say, "man, that sucks," and then they change the channel. At best they sign some stupid email petition. Well, I don't see any petitions saving the goddamn bees, and that means I don't see any petitions saving me, you or your grandma from the oncoming collapse of the ecosystem. Oh yeah, when you're living in Central Park, maybe then you'll say, wow, that guy with the bee blog was right. He wasn't just some crazy fuck typing away on his keyboard with two fingers while wearing a burlap sack and a diaper. And hey, even if I do that sometimes, what's the big deal? Is that any crazier than you not giving a shit about your own impending doom? No, I say. I say you are the mad one, and I am the sane one. I am the bee lover. You are the bee killer.
This is angry bee guy, reporting live from Fuckyouville, NY.

The bees are back bitches

2009-10-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

Oh, look who's back. It's the bee guy. No, that's not who's back. You want to know who's back. THE MOTHAFUCKIN BEES BITCH! Check this article right here that says "Honey bees are now fighting back aggressively against Varroa mites, thanks to Agricultural Research Service (ARS) efforts to develop bees with a genetic trait that allows them to more easily find the mites and toss them out of the broodnest."

Now I know what you're saying. You're saying, "But Bee Guy, I'm a stupid fuck who can't understand shit. What does that mean?" Well, let me break it down for you. Bees are little bugs. Awesome little bugs that run the world and make the things you eat by moving pollen around and helping plants bang, in essence. Varroa mites are even littler bugs. They're so little, bees consider them bugs. So they're bug bugs. And they suck dick. They grab onto bees and bite them and shit and give them diseases and totally fuck them up. And this is one of the things causing all the bees to die, and therefore leading to the end of all life on Earth except maybe for fishies.

So yeah, the bees are back, the bees are back, the bees are back in town — thanks to the help of a few smart-ass scientists who actually give a shit about the end of the world. Basically now we've got ass-kicking bees on steroids, who don't take shit from no mites. If only there was a video of these BEEtdowns in action. I don't know about you but it would be tantamount to porn for me.

I'd like to end this post by quoting Abraham Lincoln, who once said, "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves. And furthermore, fuck yeah bro, bees RULE!"

We are not amused.

2009-05-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Some people just get it. Take this kid. Strapped into some freakish spinning mockery by his parents and left to whiz through the air meaninglessly, he cries out at the absurdity of it all. His companion, she laughs, knowing nothing of the irony that is her existence. But the boy, you can see it in his face. He doesn't cry so much as rage out primally against what we have become. For what kind of race is man, that can turn the very instrument of his own destruction into a thrill ride for children? A race of douche bags, that's what we are.

Argentinian Bee Conspiracy Discovered (By Me)

2009-05-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, look at this - apparently there are more bees alive now than ever before. In case a lack of bee-pollinated fruit has left you in a state of weakness that prevents you from clicking that link, some researchers in Argentina say that despite a few years of massive bee death, worldwide bee populations are at an all time high. Oh well, I guess all along every single bee expert in the world has been wrong.

So forget everything you've read on this blog. The bees are fine. They're great. I just saw a bee in my backyard this morning sitting on a flower and just obliterating an expert level sudoku. Everything is wonderful. The world is great. Just continue your merry little lives and don't even think about the bees, because if anything, there are actually too many of them. In fact, forget saving them. We need to bump a few of the stinging bastards off.

Or maybe, just maybe, these Argentinians WANT the bees dead. Did you ever think of that? No, you didn't, because you're too busy Twittering. Well let me put two and two together for you. What's Argentina's major export? Soybeans and product made from soybeans (obviously). And do soybeans need bees to pollinate them? NO, they do not. Did you get the picture yet?

Argentina, we're on to you. You want the rest of the world to ignore the dying of the bees — to think it's not real. All the while, you'll steadily increase soybean production, and when suddenly the rest of the world has nothing left to eat because the entire food chain has collapsed, suddenly it's Argentina to the rescue with your stupid soybeans and all whole bunch of bullshit soy products! Well listen up Arg-holes: tofu sucks balls and your most famous soccer player is a cheater. So you can take your fake research and shove it up your Malbec growing culos! You can't pull the wool over our eyes — even if it's organic wool made from llamas raised in the beautiful Andean foothills. We will stop your plot, we will save the bees, and you nobody will cry for Argentina.

Hipster bees

2009-02-10T15:59:00.001-08:00

Oh, whoodeedoo - it says here that the hipsters in Brooklyn have caught on to the bees. Yeah, "Brooklyn Heights Councilman David Yassky wants to decriminalize beekeeping." A little too late, dickface. In case you haven't noticed it, the world has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Most people can't even read this blog entry because they were laid off and now they're living in an alley eating rocks because they can't even eat garbage because nobody can buy anything and that means nobody is throwing anything out. Oh sure, they tell you it was the housing market bubble busting. Well I'll tell you what bubble just busted: THE BEE BUBBLE! I've been saying it for years, but nobody listened, and now you're all saying, oh, the bee blog guy was right, let's build six beehives in Brooklyn and that should fix things. Yeah good luck, assholes.
Now, you may be asking, where the hell has bee blog boy been? Well, I'll tell you: none of your fat ugly business! Also, I've been building my hidden bunker to survive the coming apocalypse. Wanna know where it is? Up your ass, bee murderer! Will I be updating this blog again anytime soon? We'll see, but don't get your hopes up. I've already given up on the future of mankind.

HOLY SHIT

2008-09-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

The best book I've ever read

2008-08-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Why isn't this a best seller? Why isn't this No. 1 on the New York Times list? Why? Because nobody cares what Alison Benjamin and Brian McCallum have to say about A World Without Bees. People figure, eh, bees. Fuck em. They're small. They're bugs. I got bills to pay. I gotta bail myself out from this mortgage disaster I got myself into. I don't have any time to worry about some stupid bees. I don't even have the time to worry about other people. Nor do I want to. You know why? Because I'm a selfish fuck.
Yup, that's people for you. That's the way people think these days. So we'll just kill the bees, let em die off, and then once we're lined up at C-Town for a can of Spam since that's the only thing that will be left to eat anymore, then we'll cry. Once we're leaving the dead bodies of our starved relatives to rot in the street, then we'll say, oh, we should have listened to the bee blog! We should have listened to the bee book! But no... you don't read the blog, you don't buy the book. You don't do a damn thing until it's too late.
Laugh it up, you illiterate bastards. Go buy the new David Baldacci book. Go read the new Tom Clancy. Hey, maybe John Grisham has a good legal thriller for you. Hey, why stop there? Why not head straight to the pre-school section and get some pop-up books. Those should have just what you're looking for: a happy ending.
Asshole.

Eating to death

2008-07-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

You know, I just saw Wall-E this weekend, and in the movie, everyone in the future is a big stupid fat blob that can't move without the assistance of a motorized floating chair. When the movie was over, I got up and looked at the fat fucks sitting all around me and realized the movie wasn't too far off. 800 years into the future? Try maybe 1. All we need are the floating chairs and we're there. And if this picture isn't evidence of that, I don't know what is. I mean, the bees are dying and now we're eating them! What, there's nothing else to eat? You can eat fucking dandelions! Go to the park and picks those! It's free! Eat drywall — anything but bees! You might as well eat the Earth's core while you're at it. Or the sun. Eat the sun. It only fuels our existence, but that obviously doesn't concern you, you selfish fat fuck.
Oh, and happy 4th of July.

The Onion craves the apocalypse

2008-06-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Real funny Onion guys. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Look at this - The Onion did a little bee joke. And guess what happens at the end? A bee dies! Oh that's just brilliant! Hey, we're living through the final seconds of a countdown to armageddon and you know what we should do? Let's make some jokes! Should we put all of mankind's efforts into solving the bee death problem that will lead to the collapse of the entire foodchain? Nah, let's have a good laugh! Let's churn out some funnies! Some real knee-slappers! Yeah, forget saving all life on Earth. Let's write a few sarcastic, cynical little articles in our fake newspaper here, then go back home to our Park Slope apartments and play with our stupid babies and tend to our gardens full of flowers that aren't spreading because the fucking bees are dead! Sounds like a great plan assholes!

Bubble trouble

2008-05-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

Great. The bees are dying, the food chain is collapsing, we're all doomed, and what are we doing about it? Catching bees in bubbles. Unbelievable. Here, try it yourself. It's a little game. Good times. Really fun, if you enjoy the end of all life on earth set to a really pleasant piano ballad. Yup, it's the apocalypse and you're busy playing Tetris and listening to Josh Groban. Congratulations asshole.

The Beelocaust

2008-05-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hello bee fans. It's been a while since I've updated this site. I've mostly been preparing my underground bunker for the apocalypse. You know, hoarding food and ammunition, making sure my chemical toilet is in working order... that sort of thing. After all, not a damn thing has changed since this blog started up. The bees are still dying, the collapse of all life on the planet is in the works, a loaf of bread costs twice as much as it did a year ago, and nobody seems to give a shit.
So what's in the bee news today? Let's see... there's a story about how lots of German bees were killed by fruit fly pesticides last year. Thanks Germany! First the holocaust, now this.
In better news, Pennsylvania bees seem to be hanging on alright. I don't know what's sadder about this article: that good bee news consists of "only" 27% of bees dying over the winter, or that if you want to survive the end of life as we know it, you have to move to fucking Pennsyltucky. Yeah right. I think I'd rather die with the bees than spend my last moments alive surrounded by asshole Phillies fans.
And that's pretty much where we stand. The bees are still dying, the Germans are at it again, and nobody likes Pittsburgh. The future looks bright.

This just in: you're going to die

2008-03-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hey fuckers — guess what? That bee problem you may have heard me mention once or twice, you know that thing where all the bees die and the entire food chain collapses and we're left eating roaches and mold? Yeah that thing. It's getting worse. It says so in this article right here, you stupid assface. The article says that 37% of bees are now dead, up from 30% from just one year ago. At this rate, all the bees will be dead sometime between 2018 and lunch. Do you realize what that means? Of course you do, because you're reading this blog. It means death. It means Mad Max and Water World and Death Race 2000 and Children of Men and The Smurfs - all those apocalyptic stories we've made up over the years, all will be realized.
But do you care? No. You just stumbled upon this page by accident. Soon you'll be back over at Perez Hilton reading about how they just discovered a week-old peanut butter and banana sandwich inside Britney Spears' vag. Go, go now. Entertainment awaits you.

Bee chips

2008-03-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while but the world is still falling apart like I said it would so all is good. That is all is bad, but in terms of me being right about the bees dying and causing a chain reaction of misery and suffering for all of Earth, all is good. Anyway, the BBC says they're putting microchips on bees to track them now. This could be good because maybe this research could actually help solve the bee death problem that you've all forgotten about. But it could be bad because, if I was a bee and I was already dying from some weird disease then I probably wouldn't want some asshole stapling a mini computer to my back, especially considering that I only weigh one thousandth of an ounce or whatever.

Planet bee? Not for long at this rate.

2008-01-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

Out of sight out of mind, that's the American way right. You have a problem, it makes headlines for a few days or maybe even weeks, but eventually we get bored and then it goes away, even if the problem itself doesn't. Well guess what — the bee problem isn't going away, but the bees are. Just look at this: bee death problems and France and Italy. Oh, the problem isn't gone, even thought our attention spans are. You think we live on a bee planet? Well, we do. A planet run on bees. But they're not laughing. They're not smiling. They're dying! Dying, you stupid careless fucks! And the rest of us will follow soon along with the entire food chain if we don't do something about it! But nooooooo, what's on Entertainment Tonight? What's on E? What's on Perez Hilton? That's all you care about, you selfish fuckers. You don't deserve what the bees give you! They work hard all day, all night, all mid morning, while you're sitting on your fat fleshy ass surfing the web and planning your time share, and all they ask for is a little concern when they're experiencing a mystery holocaust that's probably your fault to begin with. But that's too much. One precious second of your shriveled brain's time is just not available, even if it means the death of all life on Earth. Enjoy your planet now while you still can, you bloody wankers.

These boots are made for the apocalypse

2008-01-24T10:15:00.000-08:00

Hey bee-lovers. It's been a while since the last update, but here's some major news for you: all the bees are going to die and we're still as fucked as ever. Yup, nothing much has changed. The world is going to end, the economy is collapsing, the food chain is being dismantled, and guess what - still no bees. And nobody cares. Yeah, sure, put on your little bee boots and run around! Do a little dance! HEY LOOK AT ME AND MY BEE BOOTS! THEY'VE GOT LITTLE EYES AND LITTLE WINGS, JUST LIKE REAL BEES!!! And just like the real bees of today, they're inanimate objects that can't do anything — like make apples or corn or other food products that stupid boot wearing bastards like us need. Laugh it up boot people. Stick your feet knee-deep in the pits of your own doom.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays! Hey, look what I got you! It's a disgusting bee ornament! Well, not really a bee. It's a person thing with a yellow dishrag on her head, wearing a bee dress, black and white stockings and elf shoes. She does have wings though, so maybe she is some sort of bee-themed fairy. She's also holding onto a bee-colored umbrella and making some weird puffing face. She's actually pretty frightening. Imagine if someone rang your doorbell and you opened the door and a life-size version of this was just standing there, silently puffing away. But anyway, Merry Christmas, fuckface.

Nice thorax

2007-12-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, this bee has a HUGE ass. I mean, if you're down with that kind of thing, this has to be just another reason to care about saving the bees. Of course nobody does. No one cares. People are happy to let the bees die. And this blog. One one reads it. It doesn't matter. The bees don't mean shit. Fine. Let it all go. Let it all rot. You don't want some fat hot sexy bee ass? Fine with me. You want to sit idly by reading Perez Hilton while the food chain breaks down? Go for it. Happy holidays, assholes.

Bee beats beetle

2007-12-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

As recently reported by the BBC, a bee was seen battling a beetle in Bristol. Apparently, the bee beat the beetle, but barely. Despite putting up a brave bit of boxing in the bout, the brunt of the beetle's blows were beaten back by the bee's brutal bites. The backwash of the bee-beetle brouhaha was beneficial to the bountiful bourgeois, for the big bee blight has been bringing bulletins of badnes and bereavement. Bonjour, bitches.

Let's bee friends

2007-12-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Hello bee lovers. It's been a while? Why? Because I have been distraught. I have been lying on the floor in a pile of my own filth and tears, wallowing in misery, because, despite coverage on 60 Minutes, nobody cares about the bees. Oh, woe is bee, woe is bee! Yet, at the moment of my greatest despair, someone knocked upon my virtual door, entered my sanctum of sadness, and lifted me up out of the doldrums. Who is this person? Janine. What does she do? Loves bees. LOVES BEES! You hear that bee lovers? We are not alone! For Janine runs the mighty blog Temple of Sting where she too wails about the dying bees, the inaccuracies of the mass beedia and other bee-related topics. Yes, she seems to occasionally post about Sufjan Stevens and other things that are not bees, but overall Janine is a bee-blogging hero. Gaze upon her glorious bee socks (actually not hers) and rejoice!

Happy Halloween

2007-11-12T13:46:00.000-08:00

Nice costume, asshole. It looks like a bra made of yarmulkes.
Die.
Die and rot in a beeless hell.

Keep laughing

2007-11-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

No one seems to take the bee death thing seriously. Despite two prime time specials on the matter airing this past Sunday, this is the response we get from the average American: "HEY! Bees sure am funny!" Well, that's just great. We're all gonna die, but "Look at me, I'm in a bee costume doin a funny bee dance with my spouse! HAW HAW HAW!" The only living thing in this photo that seems to get the direness of the situation is the dog in the bee costume. While his owners party like it's 1999 and his dog pal sits there like a drooling retard flower, he knows what's really going on. Even his little antennae are drooping sadly. Oh and the grass knows too. The grass knows all.

Primetime BV (beelevision)

2007-10-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

So they're finally listening to us. Tonight prime time telvision is all about the bees. First we've got 60 Minutes the No. 1 news program in America and possibly even the entire Earf covering Colony Collapse Disorder at 7:00. Then following that up at 8:00, on PBS Nature is airing a frightening special titled Silence of the Bees. Yeah, they all laughed at me when I said we were all going to die, but now look. NOW LOOK AT THEM!!! Running in fear! Fools! I know all! I am the bee master! The bee oracle! Look upon my bee knowledge and weep!
Really though, tune in tonight to see what the fuck we are doing about all this and whether we're going to die this year or next year.

Nothin buzzin

2007-10-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last update, bee-lovers. That's because little has changed. There are still plenty of reports of confused beekeepers and their dead hives, and yet no one seems to be doing anything about it. This apathy hasn't just killed the bees. It's killed me. I'm dead inside. And soon I'll be dead outside, when we run out of food. But who cares anymore? Who even reads this beeblog? Why even bother to wake up in the morning, come your hair and go to work? We're all going to die, even if the bees recover. There is no point to life, no reason to existence. Life is pain and suffering. The bees know. You can see it in their eyes. Their little, beady bee eyes. They know, nothing lasts forever, not even cold November rain.

Blind as a bee

2007-10-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

No wonder the bees can't find their ways back home. Just look at this picture of a bee's eye. It's got all kinds of stuff in it. I don't know if that's pollen or what but if that was me, I know I couldn't see shit bro.

Bees deserve better

2007-09-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

At first glance it seems that these very kind bees are happily giving children a ride. But let's look a bit closer. This bee up front, sure, he's smiling, but how about that look in his eyes? Staring back wearily at the children who devilishly laugh at his torment, he is barely able to conceal the revulsion, contempt and despair he feels toward mankind for enslaving him and his brethren. Those poor bees, forced to wear make-up and bow ties and impaled upon steel rods, carrying screaming brats in circles, day after day. It's a horror no one—man or bee—should be made to bear.
Bears on the other hand clearly deserve all that and worse.

He's just allergic

2007-09-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

It's really not as bad as it looks.

Freebees

2007-09-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

A truck carrying 13.7 million bees done gots into an accident today. The truck rolled over freeing millions of wonderful, sweet, innocent bees. Fly away my children, away from the disease spread to you by mankind. Fly away and heal, then make our food before we die. Then we will reward you by making soap in your likeness, which we will use to lotion up our women's boobies in the shower. That is the highest honor our society can give you, little buzzing friends, and you shall receive it in plenty if you succeed.

Bee war

2007-09-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

After recent bee findings, NY Senator Chuck Schumer wants to halt the importing of Australian bees since they seem to have the Israeli bee AIDS. Yeah, good job genius. Now that every bee in the U.S. is infected with Australian Israeli bee death syndrome, now we can stop importing them. Now is a great time for that. That's like putting on a bullet proof vest after you've been shot. That's like putting on a condom after you just had sex. That's just like protecting your bees from a virus they already have by waging economic warfare on Australian beekeepers. Well, all I can say for sure is that this will certainly have a boomerang effect when it comes to American beekeepers. Actually I just wanted to say boomerang since I'm talking about Australia. Koala bear kangaroo Foster's Crocodile Hunter stingray Dundee wallabee platypus dingo mate.

Woe is bee

2007-09-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

After all this good news now this: Eva Crane is dead. Who is Eva Crane, you heartless, ignorant bastard? Eva Crane was only the world's biggest bee expert. Now, she is gone, part of the big hive in the sky. She was 95. Now what will we do? Who will decide to bring Russian bees to Louisiana to fight off mites? Would you figure that one out? No, you would not. You would see a bee and run frantically around the room, crying and swatting at your head like a big giant stupid gay baby.
Anyway, if you're feeling beereaved, you can read more about her here.

Beelow fight!

2007-09-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

In light of the recent good news about the discovery of crazy bee wing disease, which will hopefully lead to a cure of the bee death mystery, the remaining, healthy bees have been going nuts lately. And if you think beelow fights are crazy, check this out to see how bees really party.

Mystery Bevealed!

2007-09-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

THIS IS IT BEE FANS!! The moment you've all been waiting for! They finally know what is killing all the bees! Okay, well they don't know for sure but they have a good theory. They think it's a something called Israeli Acute Paralysis Virus (IAPV). It fucks up the bees and makes their wings all crazy and shivery and paralyzes them and then they die. THEY DIE! It's not from Israel either by the way so don't go blaming the Jews like you always do, Osama Bee Laden. It was discovered by Israeli scientists. Anyway, people are saying this is at the very least a big reason why the bees are fucked right now, if not THE reason itself. And it's big news, it's everywhere! CNN, The New York Times, USA Today, ABC News, The Washington Post, Wired, The Seattle Times and a bazillion other news sources around the world! The world cares about the bees after all! Fear not little yellow and black striped friends who sometimes sting us and cause horrible pain—we are coming to save you all so we can use you as slaves to make honey and pollinate our crops! Love is here, love is coming and love is the answer for bees with Jewish Bee Virus!

You bee old

2007-09-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

You know why this whole bee death thing is crazy? Because we've been living with bees for so long. They've been our friends and helpers for literally thousands of years, and now all of a sudden, dead. All dead! Just look here, it says beekeeping has been going on for more than 3,000 years! They just found some beehive fossils or whatever down in Jerusalem! That means beekeeping is old! So old that beekeepers would ride dinosaurs to work. When they rode cars they had to run like in the Flintstones. I mean, I don't mean no disrespect, you know, all I'm sayin is that your beekeeper is so old, her memory is in black and white. Your beekeeper is so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Your beekeeper is so old, she hides her own Easter eggs. Yo beekeeper is so old, I told her to act her age and she died. Yo beekeeper is so old she has hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Her social security number is 1. Her yearbook picture is right next to Moses. Yo beekeeper is so old, when the police asked her for her ID she gave them a rock. When she was in school, there was no history class. When God said "let there be light," she flicked the switch. Yo beekeeper is so old, her birthday expired. She needs a 200-foot birthday cake just to fit the candles. Yo beekeeper is so old, she has been taking care of bees years and making a live off selling honey and renting out hives to pollinate crops and she's really good at and is considered a consummate professional by most people who know her.

It's a cold world

2007-08-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

Some heartless bastard has posted up instructions for what teachers should do if a bee gets into their classroom. Now, if you can remember being a kid, you'd always freak out if you saw a bee. So whoever put up this post figured they'd be doing teachers a favor and letting them know how to deal with such a situation. Which is all well and good until you get to step 3 — "If you want to keep the bee, stick it in the freezer." Yeah, great, I can't get blueberries for less than $4.50 but this douche thinks we should be creating beesicles just for the heck of it. Some poor bee is all fucked up from pesticides and accidentally flies into a classroom and what do we do? We freeze him to death. What a great world we live in. I wish I was a bee so I could be dead too.

Bees gone to pot

2007-08-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

What's cuter than a baby? A baby in a pot. What's cuter than that? A baby in a bee costume. Even cuter? A baby in a bee costume in a pot. More cutier? A baby in a bee costume in a pot with bees on it! If only the pot had baby bees in pots on it, or even better, baby bees in bee pots — then it would be the cutest thing ever: A black hole of cuteness that would allow no cuteness to escape, thereby being so cute it would actually not be cute at all.
By the way, the baby in the pot is a direct descendant of Hitler.
Not so funny now is it, you bee-murdering Nazi.

Andy Rooney stops by...

2007-08-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Everybody has been talking about the bees lately. I remember when I first started my career in the newsroom, many years ago, and bees were everywhere. Flower pots. What's happened? Have they all gone on vacations? I never was one for vacationing, I'd rather be in my own home. Maybe the bees are in their own home. Why do we consider a hive their home? Isn't it their office?There's a lot of talk about who is going to win the next election. In baseball batters get three strikes and are then considered out. Have the bees recieved their third strike? Pants. I've seen a lot of silly stuff in my life. But missing bees is pretty silly. Of course, we've all misplaced something once or twice. But three times... and you're out.

I'm Andy Rooney for the Holy Shit the Bees Are All Dead Blog.

Mail bee haiku

2007-08-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Honey, get the mail
What do you mean "Where is it?"
In the fucking bee!

Bossie Aussies

2007-08-20T11:28:00.001-07:00

Here's an article where some stupid Aussie blames all the bee problems on America. Apparently the bees in Austrailialand are fine but our bees are all fucked up. This article says it's because of all the chemicals we use because we have big giant factory farms and need to make money and kill bugs and destroy poor people and poison the oceans with AIDS ozone holes. Well, that may be the truth, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and let some boomerang-tosser rub my nose in it. I'm a dirty American and look at me, I run this blog, the only blog in the universe dedicated to solving the bee catastrophe. So you can shove it up your pouch you dirty kangaroo.

Oldsmobeel

2007-08-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten so bad for the bees that now they're reduced to selling cars to get by. Look at these two. They're so eager it's almost pathetic. I'd almost have to buy that car just out of pity. Maybe that's their strategy. Look at those puppy bee eyes. They probably get all teary, tell you about their bee kids—or larva. Maybe they're brothers and they have some sob story about how they lost their jobs pollinating and couldn't afford rent in their hive, spent some time behind bars after falling into a bad drug habit. Now their clean, and their uncle gave them this job at his dealership. Come on, buy the car. It's yellow. Like a bee. It's got passenger seat airbags and the glove compartment is full of honey. O% financing and no money down, plus 12-month wasp invasion protection. What do you say pal? Is it a deal?

E. Bee White

2007-08-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

Holy moly, even The New Yorker is reporting on the bee situation. Once you get this kind of hard-hitting, brainiac journalism on the case, you know it's serious. Check out some of the information given in just the second paragraph of this six-page article:

Honeybees are the only animals besides humans known to have a representational language: they convey to one another the location of food by dancing.

When the queen lays an egg, she is able to choose its sex.

Males, known as drones, perform no useful function except to mate. They are loutish and filthy, and the workers—sterile females—tolerate their presence for a few months a year, then systematically murder them.

A single pound of clover honey represents the distilled nectar of some 8.7 million flowers.

In a week, a productive hive can add seventy pounds of honey to its stores.

So be a good New Yorker and read up on your bees. And make sure to laugh at the comics even if you don't understand them (and you won't).

They mite be giants

2007-08-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

This is it. The thing causing all our problems. This sack of red shit, this tiny, hairy devil, this minuscule puffball of hatred, this is the Varroa mite—the thing many scientists claim is killing all the bees. How can you stop something like this? What can you do to fend of two-millimeter long mini-vampires that suck the blood of bees, the noblest of creatures—the unicorns of the insect world, if only unicorns still existed outside of Bermuda, where they can still be found in massive flocks, diving beneath coral reefs for food. I know that if I see a Varroa mite walking down the block, I will kick its ass. I don't care if it's a girl even. You know what they say in my hood? Varroa bitches get stitches. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Bee dog girl shoe

2007-08-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

A lesson to all little girls: don't let bees distract you. While you're not paying attention a small dog will steal your doll. And you won't be able to get it back with those enormous shoes on.

Feeling blue

2007-08-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

I told you so. I told you time and time again, this bee thing is no joke. And now look, it's starting. As the Sun Journal reports, Maine's Wilton Farm has stopped picking blueberries. Why? Because there are no blueberries left to pick. Why? BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE BEES!!!!!! You want blue, you'll be blue. Blue in the face from trying to find food when there is none. Blue like Miles Davis on heroin when he was all depressed and mean and skinny. Blue da ba dee, da ba BEE! Blue moon, I saw you standing alone, without a hotdog or an apple. Blue whales: they're really big—like your appetite will be when you haven't eaten in weeks. And you'll be flying on JetBlue to escape the riots in your city, but there won't be anywhere to fly to because there will be mayhem everywhere like in 28 days later or some other zombie apocalypse movie or like in The Yellow Submarine when the Blue Meanies took over. Blue blue blue! Sacre bleu! Get it? BLUE!!!

Buzzing here and there and everywhere

2007-08-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

Are the bees all gone because they're just plain delicious? I mean, who could resist a juicy, fruity, squishy gummy bee? I know I couldn't.

Kemtraillz Killah

2007-08-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

Are chemtrails from planes causing the bees to die off? That's the theory brilliantly dissected in this hip-hop forum right here. Bee fans, you don't want to miss out on this one. Just observe a couple of the insightful comments in this fascinating debate:

" yea i see them jets doin that, but wtf we supposed to do bout it?"

"I Seen A Bee Last Week In My House I Had To Get It Out.. And One The Week Before I Think.. And You People Dont See Em Cus U Dont Go Outside!! lol"

"what the fuck is wrong wit u son? ignorant is he who knows but shuts up, hold my hand let me know what u know instead of gooing all bla bla i know more than u aaaaaaaaa google monster u think u know everything bla bla bla"

Word is bond kid.

Beello

2007-08-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

Hello. Hello? Yes. Who is speaking? Mr. Bee? Why hello Mr. Bee! How are you? Not so good? Your entire family just died? Wow, that's horrible. What happened? You don't know? Well, my condolences. Awful, just awful. But on the bright side you seem pretty cheerful. Ah, yes, I agree. When the going gets tough, just smile, throw on your overalls and get back to work. How is work going, by the way? Not so good? It's hard to pollinate solo? I understand, although to be honest, I pollinate solo whenever I get the chance—if you know what I mean! Sometimes it's better than pollinating with my wife! HAHAHA! Hello? Mr. Bee? Hello?

The Wizard of Bzz

2007-07-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

There's no place like home, unless you're a bee and your home is California. In that case, there's no place like Kansas. So says some guy who has 32 million bees. He's moved his bees from Cali to Kansi two years running. Why? Because they like it better there. Why? Because it's nice. Why? because it's flat and has lots of crops and things bees like to pollinate. Why? Because shut up.

Wind-powered checkers-playing suction cup bee

2007-07-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here's this bee right, and what he does is, well, um, okay, you see, he's got wings on both sides, not on his back, and the wings are like propellers see, and, um, in the middle of his chest there's this huge hole and in the hole there's a tube attached to his propellers, and, like, there's this string wrapped around the tube and on each end of the string there are checkers, and instead of feet he has a giant suction cup. So what you do is, you stick this bee up on your window and then when the wind blows he plays checkers. And that's what's happening to the bees. Bet your fancy bee experts didn't predict that one.

Das bees

2007-07-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

The bees are gone. Missing. Dead. All over the world. But not in Germany. Not at uncle Engel's house. Read the happy story right here. It's a story about a man in a forest. An old man with bees. Bees that one day up and died or disappeared, leaving a sad old man to cry into his delicious German beer which he drinks at room temperature out of an ancient stein passed down through his family for ages. Then one day, something amazing happened. The bees came back. Just recently. The bees are back in town and right now there is an old man doing a ridiculous German dance to celebrate. Could this be a sign for all of us? Could the bees be making a comeback? Macht Ihre Mutter saugt Eier mit einem Wal? Mögen Sie zum Postamt nur treiben, einen einsamen Elch zu küssen? Gibt es Bienen in Ihrer Hose? Gibt es?

Child abeese

2007-07-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Good lord, why do people do this? The bees don't like it. The children don't like it. I mean, come on, look at this poor kid. Sucking on its pacifier, staring at the camera like a deer caught in headlights. I guess what can you expect from a dude whose idea for Halloween is to wear zany glasses and an afro wig. "Hey look at me! I'm CRAZY PARTY GUY! Woah-ho everybody, watch out! Oh and stop the war in Iraq, bro." Sigh... that poor bee child. Surrounded by disco douche, bloody-head nurse and the human chalk... How long before this kid flees the country along with the actual bees?

Bees like weed

2007-07-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

It says here in some British paper that bumblebees like unkempt gardens full of weeds. They also like it when people use the word "unkempt." Could it be that we are scaring off the bees with our lovely tidy gardens? Maybe bees aren't the fancy pants type. Maybe they're surly outdoorsy creatures who have little tiny beards and like hunting and NASCAR. Maybe they want to buzz around in little mini forests instead of pure clean bramble barts. Bramble barts? What the hell am I talking about?

BeeBQ

2007-07-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

Where are all the bees? Busy making puns instead of working. That's why these clever bees made their home in someone's grill. Get it? BBQ? BEE BQ? BEE BEE Q? HAHAHAHA! Oh you witty bees. No wonder they call you killer bees — cuz you're killin me with your zingers! If only there were people lined up to use the grill, then it would be a Bee Bee Queue!!!!! AAAAHHH!!! SO FUNNY!!!
Seriously though, listen bees: this isn't the Catskills. Go pollinate something before you get gonged.

Clusters of pain

2007-07-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

This is M44, the Beehive cluster. It is easily visible to the naked eye, and known to man since prehistoric times. The cluster is 577 light years distant and roughly 730 million years old. Are the bees here? Have they left our planet for their alien home from where they came millions of years ago in search of pollen? In search of a future? If so, how did they leave our atmosphere without burning up? Do they have little bee spaceships? Or can they bee teleport? Either way, last night I found a dead bee on a flower in my garden and I know his last thoughts were probably "Oh, for one more glance upon the sunny skies of my home—Magalaxnarp 12, the 18th planet circling the 442nd sun of M44, the Beehive Cluster," and if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye than your soul must be 577 light years away from your heart.

Bee con of hope

2007-07-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

Who would have thunk it: Ex-cons just might be the answer to the bee problem. It says here on CBS News that in Chicago, ex-gang members are getting out of jail and becoming beekeepers. So now they have jobs, the bees have jobs, everyone has honey, everyone has money, nobody has to commit crimes, and the food chain isn't going to collapse. It's a great plan. I say why stop with ex-cons? Let's fill our prisons with beehives and get some prison labor going on here. Why not? It works for China. I mean, sure, some people say prison labor is wrong, but hey, why not put criminals to use? Why should we just let them sit around and work on their pectoral muscles and rape each other? Right now jail is basically like criminal training camp. If we throw some bees in there, everyone benefits - the bees, the prisoners, mankind, your mom, hippos, donkeys, some guy sitting on a chair in Tennessee, Cowboy Curtis, Don, Pete, Cindy, Galapanzar X, Kakjshdkja324, and you.

Bee and fly: lovers or friends?

2007-07-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture some kid drew. What this child trying to tell us? Could it be that the bees are vanishing due to interspecies breeding? Is that what's going on here? It's hard to say. At first it seems like a friendly visit. Clearly we're not in the bee's home, a busy hive, so we must be looking in on the fly's humble dwelling. This little get-together must be a regular happening, considering that both participants sit in front of their own personalized mugs. There they are, Bee and Fly, sitting peacefully, not watching TV, but spending quality time together. Perhaps discussing what they did today. "Found some great new flowers today. Great pollen. HUGE stamens." "Oh, that's wonderful. Maybe you can show me later before I go lay some more eggs in that dead cat down the street." Or maybe they're not talking. Maybe they're just enjoying the silence in each other's company. But wait a second, what's this... photos on the wall... one of Fly, one of Bee. Could this be more than a friendship? Could this be love? Is this a Saturday morning in the home of a bee-fly couple? Did the two fall in love when they found out they each had such unfortunate, obvious, descriptive names—the equivalent of a person being named Human? Is it secret, forbidden love? Does this mean there's hope for all of us? That there's love out there no matter who you are or what you look like? Questions wrapped in riddles wrapped in bacon but not drenched in honey, for there is no more honey, for the bees are out with the flies, and all of us must pay the consequences.

Bees in the Middle East

2007-07-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, in its typical timely manner the New York Times has finally chimed in on the bee disaster that has been ruining our lives for almost a year now, but more importantly, they've let us know about a nefarious bee named Nahoul. That's right, Nahoul the bee is a member of Hamas, and he sure don't like the Jews! Really though, should we be teach our kids how to hate? Probably not. But the real question we should be asking is: Should we be using bees to teach our kids how to hate? And the answer is no with a capital N and then also a capital O because it would make a stronger statement to have the whole word capitalized. See, the bees need to be out there pollinating, not polli-hating. Come on Hamas, how are you going destroy Israel when the worldwide food chain is destroyed? Priorities people, priorities.

Iraqbees

2007-07-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Bush thought that upon invading Iraq, the Iraqis would turn into bees and make us all honey, according to this report right here. If this is true, you've got to hand it to Bush. Who wouldn't want an entire country of bees, especially these days. I wonder if there would be a little bee president who'd give little bee press conferences and get tiny bee hand jobs from mini bee interns. Could a bee even get a hand job? If they could I bet it would be awesome because bees have six hands. Although I don't know if six hands would really make a better hand job. What would all those hands do? Unless there's that much bee thing to go around, which would be impressive, although possibly a hindrance to flight. Or perhaps it could serve as some sort of stabilizer, like a natural tail fin. Yup, maybe Bush was right after all.

Meet the beetles

2007-07-13T06:41:00.000-07:00

Wish the bees were still alive? Blame the beetles. The African beetles that is. According to The Journal, whatever that is, American and European bees are just a bunch of pussies when it comes to defending themselves. See, "African bees have ways of dealing with the beetles, but European bees do not." Basically, African bees are like little tiny Tony Sopranos. They've got baseball bats in the trunks of their little bee cars and if they don't like the looks of you, you'll wind up wearing a cement thorax and sleeping with the fishes, who will probably eat you because you are a beetle. Meanwhile here in America, our bees just let these filthy beetles walk all over them. The beetles crawl into their hives and say "Hey bees. You know, this is a dangerous neighborhood. Things can happen. Robberies, fires, MURDER. You never know when it's your turn. We're offering a little protection service though. A little monthly payment and we'll make sure nothing bad happens to you. Know what we mean?" And while the African bees would be all like "Are you talkin to me? Franco, call Giuseppe and tell him we got a problem down here," the American bees are like "GUH... okay sir um maybe... um perhaps but I don't have anything to pay you with.... mur... we are just simple honey gatherers." And then what happens? Empty hives and no apples for any of us.

Bees hate pigs

2007-07-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

This is what a bee looks like right before it robs a liquor store (with a mouse). Not very pretty is it? But that's what they're reduced to these days. Sad, isn't it?

Unskinny bop just blows me away

2007-07-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

"The mysterious disappearance of bees around the world in the last year or two is an alarming indication that we have reached new levels of poisoning on a global scale." So says Darrel "The Brain" Crain in an article on Planet Chiropractic.com that says the bees are dying because of poisons and toxins in the world around us, and so are we. That's right: poison! Clearly Dr. Alice Cooper was right when he said, "Your cruel device, your blood, like ice. One look, could kill. My pain, your thrill. I want to love you but I better not touch (don't touch). I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop. I want to kiss you but I want it too much (too much). I want to taste you but your lips are venomous POISON! YOU'RE POISON RUNNIN THROUGH MY VEINS! YOU'RE POISON! I DON'T WANNA BREAK THESE CHAINS!"
And for further proof of Crain's theory, one needs only look to the attorneys at the law firm of Bell, Biv & Devoe, who said, in the case of Ron, Dave and Slick v. Schemer: "That girl is POISON! Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is POISON! POISON!"
And that's why we all need to recycle, drive hybrid cars and eat less mercury-laden fish — especially those of us who are bees.

She gave me hives

2007-07-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

Why are the bees all dead? Maybe because our beekeepers are a bunch of perverts. Maybe if they weren't so busy humping everything that moves and then writing about it, the rest of us wouldn't have to plan for the apocalypse. That's right, the bees are dying from neglect while their keeper sluts are out whoring it up — and using the bees to do their filthy business. Says one beekeeper: "You can spoon-feed your guest a fresh taste from your hive and wipe away the drip with your finger. Then you can sample it too, and lick your lips while moaning with delight." Yeah, great. Half the vegetation on Earth is about to go extinct while this beekeeper pornstar is out there putting the HO in HONEY.

Bee Pluribus Unum

2007-07-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

Many people believe the bee problem started in America, and judging by this patriotic piece of embroidery here, they could be right. Look, there's nothing wrong with being patriotic, but leave the bees out of it. They are non-partisan and non-nationalistic. They are citizens of the world. They don't want to be branded with the American flag, especially not these days. Why do you think most bees tell everyone they're Canadian when they're overseas?
And anyway, if you're going to "bee proud" at least do it right. Because I have no idea what country's flag that is. The Dominican Republic? That bee does have shapely legs though, I'll give her that.
Anyway, have a happy 4th of July and if you see any bees playing with fireworks, stop them immediately! The last thing we need is to have our remaining bees blow their little bee feet off.

Found em

2007-07-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Who knew it would be this easy? I just typed in bees on Google Maps and here you go. Found em. Now, I don't know why they're in California or what they're doing there, but the good news is that they're working. You know, it's really amazing that California tries to pride itself on its liberal politics, but meanwhile the state is taking advantage of illegal bee labor while the rest of the world enters a slow descent into death and despair. Listen California, just because your governor has a metal endoskeleton doesn't mean we won't invade your ass and take back our bees. You think this is the real Quaid? It is.

I can has apoccalips?

2007-06-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

Good lord, what is wrong with people? Why are people obsessed with dressing their pets up as bees? Look at this poor cat. He looks more miserable than one of those greasy otters they pull out of oil spills. And thanks to this stupid site, I Can Has Cheezburger, now more and more pets will be tortured.
Yes, first we disturb and scare off the bees, and now next in line are cats, dogs, hamsters, rabbits, birds and even walruses. See, readers of I Can Has Assburger send in photos of their pets being abused along with captions written in purposely stupid internet LOL-speak. To really understand what kind of frightening subculture we are dealing with here, just examine some of the comments on our sad bee cat here:
"ah luvz watchin teh kittiz drezz lyk beez an’ awl ah kan du iz sharpin mah klawz too an’ hak up harball stew not so grate, akshulie…”
Using my retard translator, I have deciphered this message:
"I love watching the kitties dress like bees and all I can do is sharpen my claws too and hack up hairball stew not so great actually."
Wonderful. Here's another one:
"OMF. Swarm’n'Fuzzy b moar competishun 4 Bunways. iz bee pussin for awl out warren ticket prysingz."
I'm not fluent enough in fuckface to understand that one. I guess all I can say is that the world has gone insane, and the bees are gonna die and then death shall reign.

Horribeel

2007-06-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I know it's wrong. Mom is wearing a shirt that says "Find a place that makes you happy and go there." Purple shirt baby is smiling vacantly, and possibly—no probably—has been drugged. Together they ride inside a giant racist bee wearing red gloves. The whole spectacle is so bizarre and obscene they had to fence it off so innocent passerbyers don't get hurt. Horrible. Maybe the world really does need to end.

Who's got the propolis?

2007-06-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

What's propolis? It's some tree shit. And some bee shit. See, this sticky stuff comes out of trees and bees take it and store it because they love it. What's the big deal? Funny you should ask. "Propolis is a medicinal product that can work as an antibiotic, soothe inflammations, speed up healing of wounds, ease rheumatic pains, combat fungal infections and strengthen the body's immune system." Yup. All that, and NOT a bag of chips. Why no chips? Because you can't have chips when you're lying on the floor in pain with an infected spleen and fungus up your ass.

Framed cow painting in the kitchen

2007-06-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

This has got to be the worst Halloween party ever. I mean, sure, they have all the Dr. Pepper you could ever want, but I'm still looking at Nerf bee here and thinking I wouldn't pollinate with her no matter how clean her kitchen is.

BEE WEEK RULES!!!!

2007-06-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

Holy shit! "The Pollinator Partnership is proud to announce that June 24-30, 2007 has been designated National Pollinator Week by the U.S. Senate and the U.S. Department of Agriculture." June 24-30! That's this week! That's right now! RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT! We are living in the week of the bees! Long live the bees! Finally! Finally steps are being taken! Plans are being made! Hope is on the horizon and it's dressed in yellow and black stripes! What do you want? BEES! When do you want them? BEES! BEES! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!

Swedish bees are scary

2007-06-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

Holy shit—get that thing away from me! Man, I've had my picnics ruined by bees before but this is just ridiculous. Man, maybe it's a good thing the bees are dying off if this is what they're looking like these days.
Just kidding, that's not a real bee, you stupid assface. That's Robyn, a Swedish popstar worshipped by dorky hipsters. She had some techno type song out last year. It was pretty good—if you're a giant walking vagina.
Anyway, good job Robyn. Thousands of years of progress have brought civilization to this point and now it's all going to end, and your solution is to make bad '80s house music and dress up like the very thing that's going to kill us all. Great job. I can't wait to hear your new song on KTU right after some Cher and Vengaboys.

Benjamin P. Oldroyd is a bee nerd

2007-06-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

Benjamin P. Oldroyd thinks he knows all the answers. He just put out an research paper on American bee death and you can read it right here. Who is Benjamin P. Oldroyd? He's a big fat nerd, obviously. But who knows more about bees and science and shit like that than big fat dirty nerds? Look, the dude even had a bee book published. Who read it? Other nerds. That's what they do. They do research stuff and write papers and invent things that are only appreciated by other nerds, as well as dorks and geeks. And what do we do? We mock them. We ridicule them and laugh at their lack of style, inability to get laid and penchant for wearing shorts in the winter. But they're the ones who are out there trying to save the world while we're sitting here doing diddly. Think about that next time you give someone a wedgie.

Happy Beethday

2007-06-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be a cake shaped like a beehive. It's meant to be delicious. Too bad it's made out of Play-Doh and poison and covered in miniature cows and if you eat it you get cancer and die.
Happy birthday, asshole.
Love,
The bees

13-year-olds, dude

2007-06-19T07:25:00.001-07:00

While you're sitting on your fat ass eating things and making said ass even fatter, 13-year-olds are out there solving the bee problem. Yes, some kid from the awesomely named town of Rogue Valley won some prize for writing an essay about bee death, and the essay is better than anything you've ever written or read. Yes, he's home-schooled. Yes, he's a beekeeper. Yes, he's probably a weirdo, but he knows the answers to our prayers, or at least to our prayers regarding bees. You know, I believe the children are the future. Teach them well, and make them fix the bee problem or we're all going to die and it's going to be worse than watching A-Rod bang a room full of grandmas.

Feeling Sl(b)eepy

2007-06-18T06:40:00.001-07:00

I'm tired this Monday morning. Tired of thinking about the apocalypse, yes, but also tired from not getting enough sleep. Perhaps I was lying in bed all night thinking about how to fortify my basement, where I plan to hoard canned goods and try to last out the coming missing-bee-fueled end of days. Perhaps. But whatever the reason, I am sleepy, and I shall now rest my head on this fantastic pillow and dream of bees... sweet, sweet bees...

In Japan, even the bees are weird

2007-06-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, what the hell is going on here? I can see that there's a girl attempting to be sexy in a pretty minimal bee slut costume. The arm bands are a little bizarre though, as is the giant fly swatter. Is she trying to swat herself? Is that hot? Is that some weird fettish? Well, whatever it is, it's not weirder than the model plane coming in for a landing on her bee ass. I can't say exactly what it is but there is clearly something wrong here, and if that's what I think, imagine how the bee community feels. Just another case of mankind being insensitive to bees via dirty skanks and model airplanes.

Nicholas Cage causes extinction of all life on earth

2007-06-14T12:01:00.001-07:00

I have figured it out. While all the experts are clueless as to why the bees are disappearing, I have singlehandedly discovered the reason. Why are they gone? Where are there? What happened? They are on strike after being forced to participate in possibly the worst movie ever to be made. It is called The Wickerman, it stars Nicholas Cage, it's a remake of a cult film from the '70s, and it is full of bees. Bees everywhere, in almost every scene, forced to witness hour after hour of agonizing acting, forced to play bit roles while buffoons bumble through dialogue worthy of bad porn, and forced to appear in a movie that doesn't include even one boob shot despite being set on an island run by hot chicks. How bad is it? See for yourself (and then blame Nicholas Cage for the murder of 6 billion people):

This is news

2007-06-13T07:16:00.001-07:00

Yup, nothing else going on in the world today involving bees. Nope, nothing at all. Oh wait a second, there was that thing about THE END OF ALL LIFE ON EARTH. But you know, this guy was wearing a bee beard! I mean, wow, that's not just news, that's entertainment. Bee beard! What will they think of next? Oh I know—the apocalypse! HAHAHA, I can't wait!

Release the dogs with bees in their mouths (when they bark they shoot bees at you)

2007-06-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

So this is what has happened to the once grand profession of beekeeping. How can we expect to get our crops pollinated when our beekeepers are more concerned with sniffing their own poop? And can't we at least get some stylish dog beekeepers? Look at those sweatpants... and those weird little bowling shoes. It's like a dog version of someone's crazy grandma who wanders off every now and then and is picked up by the police meandering through a C-Town parking lot talking about the Great Depression. And that's who we have in charge of the entire food chain. Not even a crazy old lady but a crazy old dog lady.

Ain't no party like a Midwest Beekeeper Symposium

2007-06-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

More than 200 beekeepers and other bee nuts recently gathered together somewhere in Illinois to discuss why we're all going to die. Sadly they spent most of their time together sniffing honeycombs. But what they didn't figure out is why the bees are disappearing. Still, nobody knows, except for the bees, but they're not telling. Why aren't they telling us? Because they're pissed. Maybe they're annoyed that Paris Hilton going to jail for driving with a suspended license gets more TV coverage than the deaths of billions of bees and the looming collapse of the global food chain. Yeah, laugh it up you stupid reality TV watching whores. Go check out Gawker. But a year from now when you're lying in the dusty remains of Lake Ochechobee, digging for mosquito larva to eat, then you'll say, "Hey, remember that blog about the bees that warned us? Man, that shit was pretty funny. And true. Too bad we didn't listen. Now we're going to die and it's going to suck big time."

Bee bee daddies

2007-06-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

Apparently bees can reproduce without any males involved. No wonder the bee colonies are collapsing. You've got all these young bees flying around without any father figures in their lives. And not to say anything bad about single bee mothers. but there's only so much a mother can do. She's got to go out there and bring home the pollen. She doesn't have time to raise her bee kids. And who's going to teach these bees all the things that only a father bee can? Who's going to beat them with a wrench when they come home 15 minutes past curfew? Who's going to call them pussies if they can't make the varsity football team? Who? WHO DAMMIT? Why dad, why don't you love me? oh god make the pain go away...

Who's that? Browwwwwwnnnn.

2007-06-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

Sherrod Brown to the resuce! Yeah Ohio! You're about to have some safe mothafuckin bees, bitch! Brown is supporting the Pollinator Protection Act of 2007, which could allocate $3 billion to Ohio's bees. Yeah you stupid fucks. You didn't think it was real. You thought it was all a big joke. Well now you know it's real, and now you're going to pay about 15 of your tax dollars to save bees in Ohio. And you know what else? Ohio is round on the sides and hi in the middle, and you suck all over.

Einstein didn't know shit about bees

2007-06-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

Every colony collapse disorder bee death article these days contains this quote attributed to Einstein:
"If the bee disappears from the surface of the Earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination; no more pollination, no more plants; no more plants, no more animals; no more animals, no more man."
Well guess what suckers? That quote is total bullshit. I mean, it's true and we are all going to die, but Einstein didn't say it. Made up. Total farce. Fake. Wrong. A lie. Boulderdash. Aspersion. A falsified forgery of fiction and fibbery. Myth, misstatement and misrepresentation. Terminological inexactitude, if I may be so bold. Basically, it's wrong, and believing it is like eating a shit sandwich without the bread.

Blah blah blah... bees.

2007-06-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

This is Beehive Island. It's in New Zealand. Are the bees there? Maybe. Perhaps the bees there have tattoos all over their faces and fly around doing angry chanting rituals where they stomp around and beat their little bee chests. Maybe... maybe. But who cares the fuck cares either way? I spend most of my days waiting around for the icy embrace of death. Let the bees go to their own private island and stay there for all I care. Kill me now. Kill me with stings of a thousand lonely bees.

Bees make money

2007-06-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

There's money in them missing bees. At least in Canada, where "the federal government is providing $136,582 in funding for two projects that will help the honey bee industry address unexplained losses in the bee populations." That's a pretty specific number right there. I wonder what the last $2 are for. But yeah man, with money like that flying around, it makes you wonder who benefits from the bees dying. Could there be some Canadian research scientists to blame? Ay?

Fuck a skunk

2007-06-04T07:27:00.001-07:00

They eat bees.

Don't believe me? Look it up, asshole.

P.S. So do mice.

Asshole makes horrible bee balloon

2007-06-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

What the hell is that supposed to be? Is that a bee? Yeah, great job you stupid tool. Most bees have wings attached to their head. See, this is why the bees are mad. They're just trying to do their job, pollinate stuff and help make food for everyone, but nooooo... not a day can go by without some loser with a fake Rolex and crappy carpeting making a mockery of everything the bees stand for. And then take a picture of it, and then put that picture online. It's a travesty, that's what it is, and when you don't have anymore watermelon for your barbecue, you can blame this guy and his retard balloon.